


Travelin Soldier

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-12
Updated: 2008-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:26:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8717422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Inspired by a song I love. Jensen is going away and Jared is the small town boy watching him fade from view.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** [](http://s35.photobucket.com/albums/d196/nocturniquette/?action=view%C2%A4t=StawberyNVanila-forCrys.jpg)

  
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier

Our love will never end

Waitin' for the soldier to come back again

Never more to be alone when the letter said

A soldier's coming home

(Travelin Soldier- The Dixie Chicks)  
  
 **On a crisp fall day like this one, there wasn’t a cell in his being that didn’t tell him he should be outside. Even hanging out at the empty playground of the elementary school would not be all bad. Jared was looking out the front glass windows of the diner, wishing there weren’t so many buildings blocking the view of the lake. The lake was so beautiful right now, surrounded by blazes of colors. The trees seemed to be competing with each other to be the prettiest, the brightest. Saffron, crimson, evergreen, gold and tangerine leaves in their prime, burning over the placid slate of Lake Jasper. It was beautiful and sure smelt better than the fryer.**

**Jared worked at his father’s diner any day there wasn’t school. Which was all of fall break and that sucked so hard. His friends would be out making Molotov cocktails to throw in a vacant lot or exchanging well-thumbed skin-mags. Interesting things to do. A far cry from refilling salt and pepper shakers, taking orders from patrons that ordered the same thing everyday anyway. He blew out an exasperated breath, his dark hair stirring around his face as he put the lids back on all the crystal shakers, getting them extra tight.**

**He was a tall boy, no one would dispute that. Hence his nicknames around the town of Gatlin, Texas. Stretch. Legs. Beanpole. He had heard them all for about as long as he could remember. He shot up early and kept going. He just wished he had packed on muscle. Some real bulk. So far he was all framework. He liked to imagine if he just found the exact right diet or sport he would soon have a body less rangy and more impressive. With his slanted hazel eyes, mop of dark hair and elfish face, Jared felt like an unfinished project. Also known as an adolescent. Forced into servitude in the most boring place in the most tedious town on the longest day ever.**

**The chime of a bell caught Jared’s attention and he was reaching for the laminated menu and specials placard before seeing it was a young G.I. coming in. Looking so serious. Jared watched the young man for a moment as the stranger adjusted the heavy pack to his shoulder and walked to a table in the corner that faced the door. The guy was not from around here. Not from Gatlin, or Jared would know him. He knew everyone. The soldier was dressed in a deep green uniform, all buttoned up and tense looking. Even wearing the little hat until he took it off to reveal buzz-cut dark blonde hair. Jared picked up his notepad and walked over to the sole customer in the place, putting down the menu and specials list.**

**“Welcome to the Shanty. I’m the only one working the tables so I’ll be takin your order. Name’s Jared.”**

**The soldier looked at the t-shirt clad belly in front of him and then up, having already taken note of lean denim-ed hips. Shoot. The place might not look that great from the front, just another plate glass and gingham checked tablecloth diner in Texas- but the staff made up for it. Not that Jensen Ackles had *seen* the ‘staff’ yet, but nice scenery. He smiled and then dropped his eyes, shy despite the heated review in his mind.**

**“Thanks. What’s good here?”**

**Jensen pretended to look at the menu, which was better than staring at some corn-fed pretty boy he would never slap eyes on again.**

**Jared smiled easily, glad for the distraction the stranger provided. He saw the intense emerald eyes before the soldier was looking back down at a menu Jared had memorized.**

**“Depends on what you want. How hungry you are. Ain’t nothin *bad* though. My grams started the place, it’s all her cookin. Daddy runs it now. You like chili?”**

**“Goin to be on a bus with a ton of guys, for a long time.”**

**Jensen grimaced a little.**

**“Club sandwich?” Jared suggested. “It won’t be spicy or roll around on you. Where you headed?”**

**“Fort Hood.”**

**Jensen answered with a resigned tone, not showing any of the exuberance Jared had seen in other recruits coming through Gatlin. Jared hovered a second , torn between asking a personal question or getting the guy some damned food already. His hesitation made the soldier look back up. Jared blinked dark lashes over hazel eyes grown darker with interest.**

**“Anything to drink?”**

**Jensen nodded somberly, wondering why the tall beautiful boy was stuck inside on a day so pretty if you were free.**

**“Got sweet tea?”**

**“It’s Texas.”**

**Jared smiled, leaving the stranger to go put in the order. He brought a large glass of iced sweet tea to the table, sitting it on a coaster. Which was special treatment since his daddy was always reminding him to use the coasters and he never did. He started to turn and leave the other young man alone, not wanting to have to be told not to be weird. He could stop being weird on his own, but then that rough whisper voice came again.**

**“Hey. If you’re not too busy… Jared… could you talk to me while I eat?”**

**Jared looked surprised. “You want me to sit with you?”**

**Even as he asked, he saw a station wagon pull up out front. Packed full of little monsters sure to drop food to the floor and grind it to mush all they could. Damn it. Jensen followed the line of Jared’s gaze and sighed, turning his glass slowly to the tabletop.**

**“I guess I just wanted someone to talk to. But you’re busy…-”**

**To Jensen’s surprise, Jared leaned in, whispering by his ear.**

**“Only for another hour. Then I’m off. You got that long?”**

**The feel of Jared’s whisper to his ear made Jensen wish he was just another local coming in to get lunch. Like he could just pick up this hot boy , share too many beers with him and learn what sounds the kid made when he was being taken advantage of. He nodded shortly to Jared, not trusting himself to talk.**

**It was enough.**

**Jared grinned to him. “You got a name?”**

**“Jensen.”**

**“Jensen. I like that.”**

**Jared went back to working his tables, having to get water and milk for a table of fourteen, suspecting his tip would be a joke. He managed to get Jensen’s sandwich and fries to him, refill his tea and ask about dessert- but he had to hustle to take care of more customers trickling in. When his relief came in, Jared smiled in open relief to the older boy, handing Tom his last order.**

**Tom Welling was as tall as his cousin, and a good deal more sensible. But then he was a bit older than Jared. Not as trusting. He watched how quick Jared was eschewing his apron and smiled, tying on his own.**

**“Where’s the fire?”**

**Jared’s blush made Tom curious, curious enough to glance around the interior of the restaurant.**

**“Jared?”**

**The younger man pulled on his blue jean jacket and waved off his older cousin’s tone.**

**“Just a friend. Goin to talk. For Pete’s Sake, he’s bein shipped out shortly.”**

**Tom noticed the solemn faced soldier boy then. A disapproving sound left Tom. “You tell him you’re fourteen years old?”**

**“Why the hell would that matter?” Jared asked in all innocence. “There a legal age limit for talkin too? God, Tom. You’re so like grams with bigger shoulders. Don’t tell Daddy neither. I worked my shift. I’ll be home doin homework same as always. Would you stop pesterin me?”**

**Tom made a new pot of coffee, seeing the other second shift server coming in. He nodded in greeting to Sophia, waiting til she was in the back hanging up her purse before he was whispering back to his kid cousin.**

**“You just go somewhere public for your talk. I mean it. You better be home right soon. I’ll call to check. I *mean* it…”**

**Tom was saying the last to Jared’s back as his younger cousin was already around the counter and sauntering over to the soldier.**

**Jared smiled to Jensen, nodding towards the door. “I’m good to go…”**

**They walked out together, Jensen wondering if he was asking too much of someone he barely knew. He carried his army issue pack on his shoulder, feeling the weight of so many things.**

**“So there’s a place down by the lake. The pier.” Jared filled the silence with his suggestion. “It’s nice down there. You want to see it?”**

**“I’m leaving in a couple hours.”**

**Jensen felt like he had to say it, because the long-legged boy was offering to take him to the pier and it sounded like the best thing he had ever heard. But to be fair, he was nothing to pin your hopes on. No one should be trying. He didn’t want Jared thinking that whatever happened was going to be meaningful. All Jensen had right now was sample-size moments.**

**“I guessed. By the outfit. Otherwise you’re really into green.” Jared had his hands in his pockets, walking beside Jensen, their long legs finding a matching stride. “You want me to carry your pack for you? Looks heavy.”**

**“It weighs a ton, but no. I got it. The pier sounds nice, Jared. Lead the way.”**

**Jensen followed after Jared, watching the fading sunlight picking out the deepest black-red in Jared’s hair, like a gem hidden inside the tumbled darkness. He wished he had the nerve to touch Jared’s hair, there was so much of it. He saw the boardwalk as they neared it and soon they were walking to the end of the planks, sitting side by side. They looked out over the water, Jared taking in the view and Jensen taking in Jared. Both were thinking how beautiful the sight was.**

**Jared was the one to break the comfortable silence. “So how old are you, Jensen? I mean… you doin this for college or somethin?”**

**Jensen held his breath a moment, wondering if he should even try to lie. Would it matter? He would never see this boy again so chances were, whatever fiction he passed along to Jared would be good enough. Still some part of Jensen wanted to tell this earnest eyed kid the truth.**

**“For school sure. The G.I. Bill isn’t all bad. Mostly though, I’m training to be a combat medic. This is my first tour. Just turned eighteen. I was a ward of the state so… this was like another place to go. Only place to go. I didn’t want to wake up and realize I didn’t have food to eat. No money for rent. I was having trouble finding a job because of getting into trouble when I was younger. Well, more recently too. I have burned some bridges but, you know, Uncle Sam still took me.”**

**Jared’s eyes widened . He had never gone without food or shelter in all his life. He clasped his long fingered hands tightly together, staring at Jensen.**

**“I’m real sorry to hear that. I mean, about you worryin over goin without. How long’re you goin to…Iraq? Is it Iraq?”**

**Jensen nodded at the question. “To start. I don’t know where I’ll end up but… I know I’ll learn plenty. It’ll help me be ready for more once I’m back. Like I can get a job that no one can take away from me. I’ll have something real. I’ll have done something to be proud of.” He paused in what he was saying because of the stricken look from Jared. It looked like the kid might be close to almost crying or something. “Jared? Are you alright?”**

**“That’s so damned sad. I never heard something so sad. I’m sorry. I know it’s important to you. I just wish you didn’t have to go so far away to find whatever you’re lookin for. I wish you could be stayin here. Not riskin your life…”**

**Jared bowed his head, surprised when Jensen cupped his chin. His face was carefully turned towards Jensen’s and the other male seemed so still. Carefully, thoughtfully still. Jared gazed in fascination to Jensen, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip nervously. Jensen dropped his eyes to that hint of tongue.**

**“How old are you, Jared?”**

**“Sixteen.” Jared lied swiftly, but easily. His height got him past the truth from time to time. If he was talking to someone that didn’t know his whole family. Like Jensen.**

**“That’s…not too bad.”**

**“Too bad for what?”**

**Jared’s question was answered by Jensen’s lips sealing over his own. Oh. Jared parted his lips for the older boy, shocked deep down. His first kiss. He was getting his first kiss. Grown up kiss. He had kissed before, all girls and nothing like this. Nothing that made his body ache for something indefinable. He had never lost his breath before. He made a happy sound and moved closer to Jensen, widening his mouth as Jensen’s tongue touched his own.**

**Sexual sugar. Jensen thought Jared tasted like candy that you could easily have too much of without ever slowing down. He smiled as he drew back from the eager lips that had met his own.**

**“Good technique, Jared. You kiss like you’re doing it for the first time but so eager to learn. It’s sexy. Don’t lose that.”**

**“Hmm.” Jared touched his lips, dazed. He had just had a tongue-besides his own- in his mouth. Moving around. Making him hard in his jeans. Jensen had stuck his tongue in his mouth.**

**“Jared?”**

**“Yeah?”**

**Jensen chuckled softly over the amazed tone from Jared. It was a good kiss. If he had the time and less morals holding him back, Jensen would lay Jared out on the dock and kiss him all over. But he didn’t have time. He briefly touched Jared’s long hair, seeing how Jared leaned to his hand.**

**“Can I have your address? I know it sounds like a really lame pick-up line. Be my pen-pal. That’s smooth, huh? It’s just…I bet you got a boyfriend already… and I couldn’t be that. I’m no threat. I’ll be an ocean away. If I had you to write to, it’d be somebody. I ain’t got anybody. Never mind. It’s dumb.”**

**Jared rifled in his pocket, leaning back to dig deeper until he pulled out a receipt from the gas station near the diner. He took the ink pen from his other pocket and carefully wrote his address, his handwriting neat and boxy.**

**“I don’t think it’s dumb. I don’t have a boyfriend either. Or a girlfriend. I have friends. Just friends.”**

**He handed Jensen the piece of paper, noting how Jensen tucked the receipt into his bible in his pack. Jared was touched. He reached over to hold Jensen’s hand in his, timid about making the first move, but Jensen needed some contact.**

**“I’d love every letter you sent, Jensen. I’ll answer too. I promise.”**

**“Yeah?”**

**“Yeah. You won’t know what to do with all I can write back about. I can get to ramblin.”**

**“I’d like that. To have a lot to read, from you, Jared.”**

**Jensen looked at Jared, trying to memorize his face. The backdrop of the trees and peaceful lake. The scent of wood from the pier and best of all, the mixed smells of boy, sugar and fries coming off of Jared. He saw the lazy wind rifling Jared’s hair, the sound of his watch alarm seeming too loud and harsh in his ears.**

**“I have to go, Jared.”**

**“You want me to walk you down to the bus station?” Jared asked softly, a kindness underlying his words.**

**“No. I want to remember you here. Right here. Like this…” Jensen rose and then picked up his bag. “I’ll write.”**

**“Be careful. Be safe.” Jared whispered, looking intently at Jensen.**

**Jensen nodded once before he was walking away, not looking back. If he thought too much about it, he might really start to feel the weight of what he left behind and what he was heading into.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

  
"Don't forget that I'm alone when you're away."

(Kristin Hersh, The Letter)  
 **It would be more than three weeks before Jared received a letter from Jensen. He checked the mailbox every day, running down the dirt road to poke into the day’s mail. If there was nothing for him, Jared had the annoying habit of leaving all the mail behind before morosely loping away. He wondered if Jensen had realized he didn’t need some dumb kid back home to talk to. He was off in another country with other soldiers from all over the States. He probably saw Jared as a weird pit stop. A blip.**

**Jared switched from feeling forgotten to actually wondering why he cared so much. It was such a small moment. It really was. Took less than an hour. He sat on the front porch of his family home, bare feet to the grass. His chin was in his palm as he kept a lookout for the lately very disappointing mailman to come driving by. He cut a real picture, long body curved in hopeful anticipation, toes curling to the grass he was supposed to be cutting. It was Saturday, which meant if there was nothing today he would have to endure all of Sunday with no chance for a word until Monday- after school.**

**Jared hated being at school around noon, knowing the mail had arrived by then and he had to wait until around four-thirty to check it, if he hurried. If he skipped swimming practice. Since he planned on joining the swim team in his freshman year, he couldn’t afford to slack off too much. That didn’t make it easier to do when he wanted to go home and check the mail.**

**What a weirdo. He needed to get over this. He needed to stop stalling other plans to dash to the mailbox. He sure didn’t need to keep meeting his friends later to double-check the mailbox because there had been that *one* time the mailman had dropped off mail, left and then circled back to drop off a certified letter for Jared’s Daddy, which meant it could happen. Jared heard an engine and craned his neck to peer down the gentle curve of the lonely road. He tensed and sat up, seeing the slow drive- pause of the mail truck. Jared clambered to his feet and tried to walk casually down to the mailbox.**

**The mail carrier’s truck idled by the Padalecki’s drive, the elderly man inside wearing the cap and jacket of his uniform and denim overalls underneath, for comfort‘s sake. Mr. Roberts smiled to Jared , kindly eyes the worn out baby blue of a good pair of jeans.**

**“Hey there now, Jared. How you doin, son?”**

**“Good. Good. You, Mr. Roberts?”**

**Jared slid his hands to his pockets and rocked back on his heels. Usually it didn’t matter that Mr. Roberts was slow as frozen pond water but it was painful right now. Watching those wrinkled hands drift over the mystery of the mail bag, selecting what went where. It musta been this exciting when the glaciers first passed through.**

**Mr. Roberts was unaware of Jared’s impatience as he took the Fingerhut catalog for Sherri Padalecki, adding the phone and electric bills, the consumer report newspaper, a late birthday card for their eldest boy Jeff.**

**“Oh I’m fair to middling. Long day today. I got stuck behind a tractor. Ole Reeves never keeps that thing anywhere but smack dab in the center of the road…”**

**“Uh huh.” Jared was starting to deflate. Unless he wanted to order some leopard print bedding or see a new recipe for banana pudding, he might be stone cold outta luck today. Then he saw two official looking envelopes and one slightly battered, smaller envelope. He surged with renewed faith in the postal system as the handful of mail was given to him.**

**“You take care now, Jared. Tell your daddy I said hi…”**

**“Will do. You take care too, Mr. Roberts.”**

**Jared made himself walk back to the porch before he was dropping everyone else’s mail to the boards to hold his own. The holy grail. The envelope looked three kinds of bent, and the postmark said it had been in circulation for over a week. It was very important for something so small, because on the front was Jared’s name and in the top left corner a whole paragraph of a return address for Jensen.**

**Jared was careful opening the letter, sitting on the steps to prize open the envelope with his pocket knife, not tearing the folded precious treasure inside. He took a deep breath of excitement, reading over the words nice and slow.**

**“Jared.**

**I guess you might have given up on me writing. I was thinking about it this whole time but they really put us through the wringer. You get here and there’s no telling yourself you’re just visiting some place new. It’s different, it’s hot and not a Texas kind of hot. You know good and well you shouldn’t be here. You would not believe the heat. When you’re out doing drills and exercises, the sun beats down over the sand and reflects back up. You can get your face toasted even if you look down the whole damned day. We drink a lot of water. Bottled water. Constantly. I dream about a really big Styrofoam cup, like a Big Gulp, full of ice and Pepsi. I know you’d die of dehydration if that was all you had out here. Sugar and all. But I’d die happy.**

**We are allowed to get mail now too, but they read everything. They’re reading this before it gets to you. X-Files, huh? Kinda weird. If it takes me long to write back, it’s just on it’s way. I don’t know how quick this will get to you but it’s not the Pony Express, right? Surely Uncle Sam can get the mail right. I am learning a lot too. Have to. It never stops. Soon as I got here I was separated out. Being a medic, I mean. I have to get my shit together and learn fast because pretty soon I’ll be assigned my own unit to go with on missions or for emergencies. It’s not the worst thing. I thought it would be worse than this, being away from what I know. Basic training seems like it happened a long time ago. You go to basic and then at the end you’re still safe in the U.S. Here, you aren’t safe. Always have to watch everyone. It’s a good thing I had some experience around bad types. I have eyes in the back of my head and it helps. Strange how much ‘home’ gets in your head over here. I think I didn’t have anything I’d miss til you. Take care. Write soon?**

**Your friend,**

**Jensen.”**

**Jared stared at the letter. Re-read it twice more. Jensen didn’t say a word about their kiss. Or about wanting another one, which Jared thought might go without saying but shouldn’t have. He sighed. Your friend. That sounded like a gentle let down easy kinda thing. Jared glumly turned the letter in his hands, about to despair but his brain wasn’t having it. He was a smart kid, for all that he let some things slide from lack of interest. If Jensen didn’t want to talk to him anymore, he could have just not written. Jensen was plenty far away enough not to have to worry about playing it cool. There was also that one line.**

**‘I think I didn’t have anything I’d miss til you.’**

**Jared made an ‘oh’ sound over being such a dumb ass. Jensen couldn’t just write him a love note. Not with people reading it both ways, like he said. X-Files style. Jared distractedly picked up the rest of the mail, taking it with him inside to drop on the table by the door. He was starting up the stairs to his room when he remembered the lawn. Dang it. His father would have a cow if he came home and the grass was a few inches over his expectations. Jared dashed upstairs to put Jensen’s letter under his pillow before going out to do his chores. The yard was mown in record time, the mower shoved in the shed with the gas can and rake. Jared decided since he had mown, he would skip the raking. It gave his Daddy something to get on him about which saved Gerald the time of having to *look* for anything to complain about. A kindness, Jared felt, from himself to his father.**

**In his room, the door closed, Jared stripped down for his shower, making sure he was scrubbed clean before flopping back to his bed with a notebook of paper. He read Jensen’s letter again and started writing his own, trying to contain himself and be as casually cool as Jensen could be.**

**“Dear Jensen-**

**So great to hear from you, man! I wondered if you got ate by some giant sandworm like in Dune. You ever read Dune? Seen the movie? Sting was in it. From the Police? Movie kind of sucked but the books weren’t bad. Some good ideas. My mama had them and told me not to read them. Sort of like Heinlein’s Stranger In A Strange Land. I read ALL those bitches. Even the parts I didn’t get. There was this one other book with a werewolf and this lady. They were out in the desert. The author came right out and said there wasn’t no vegetation or anything but him and the lady for as far as he could see. No tree. No water. No grass or nothing. Then he starts making it with the lady and mentions her ‘flower’. I was like, what? Where the hell’d a flower come from? He was ’discovering’ her flower and she was happy about it? I flipped back to the start of the chapter, re-reading it to see if I missed something. But there it was. Just him and the lady and nothing else but sand. I was so damned confused I had to break down and ask my mama. I took her the book and showed her what I needed to know. She turned so red! You never saw a woman so red. Explained to me the flower was the female character’s lady bits. That’s what mama called it. Lady bits. Then I was the one hiding as she said ‘And I TOLD you not to read off the top shelf, Jared Tristan!’ What was I talking about? LOL. Sand worms. I got distracted. So you weren’t eaten alive. That’s good. I bet they’d leave that outta the brochure. Come to lovely Iraq. Only four in five visitors are fed to sand worms, so bring a friend! How’s the food? You probably don’t want chili NOW either, I’m betting. Didn’t they give you any sunscreen? You should use sunscreen. You got freckles. Aw, I bet your burn like toast! Use sunscreen. Seriously. You don’t want to look like luggage when you’re old.**

**School’s going good. I get good grades but it’s so boring. It takes forever. I’ve got high hopes for college though, coz you can study what you want. You don’t have to do the same stuff over and over while people have to be ‘refreshed’ from summer vacation. It’s three months. How can you forget everything in three months? I can understand not wanting to study all summer but some stuff should just be locked in a body’s head by now.**

**The fair is coming to town soon. Well we share it with two other towns but it’s mostly ours because it’s here in Gatlin. I can’t wait this year because there’s going to be a mix in the music. Country, yeah, but real late they have - you ready for this? Rob Zombie. He’s here because they’re filming some movie not far from here. Guess it creeps people out to see the ghost town out by Milner. I used to go there all the time when I was little. I want to see Rob Zombie though. I have listened to his music forever. It’s what I listen to when I’m good and pissed off. What do you listen to? Give me the Jensen soundtrack. I promise not to bust your balls if you dig some Janet Jackson.**

**When you get back, I’ll buy you a Big Gulp. You could get free drinks at the diner, but the cups are real so we have to go to 7-11 to get it right. Hey, the receipt I wrote my address on was from 7-11. Funny, huh? You know you mentioned the Pony Express. I would have loved that job. Traveling all the time, riding and delivering the mail? That would have been cool. Except for being shot at or robbed.**

**I wish you were here, for the fair. I bet you’d have a good time. Did I tell you my mom’s an English teacher? She’d have red marks all over this letter. I’ll just be mailing it before she makes me rewrite anything. I’m mailing this tonight. Putting it in the box soon as I’m done. I better go, I have to help do supper tonight. We take turns.**

**Miss you.**

**Take care.**

**Jared**

**P.S. I totally get the ‘flower’ thing now. I just think the author should have said her lady bits. Because it’s funnier in my head. ‘Oooh touch my lady bits’. How can you not laugh at that?”**

**Jared re-read his letter and winced over some parts since writing a letter was like having a captive audience to catch every thing that came out of you without any editing or pauses. Least letters from him seemed to go that way. Hopefully Jensen would just assume he had too much sugar. He put the letter in a carefully addressed envelope and ran it out to the mailbox before he was in the kitchen washing up to make pork chops.**

****


	3. Chapter 3

  
I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

 

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

 

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

 

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

 

And if you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

 

(Somewhere Only We Know- Keane)  
  
 **Lying on a scratchy blanket over stiff starched sheets, Jensen felt like he had hit the lottery. A letter from Jared. Jensen’s first and only letter from the daily call out for mail. He had not even believed his ears at first when his last name was yelled, but he was there in a flash to get his letter. There was no shame in how excited any soldier got over mail. It was expected, shared. They all starved for words from loved ones, a piece of life from places they held dear in their hearts. Jensen skipped chow to go to his temporary barracks and read. He opened Jared’s letter and was glad to have the room to himself for now. Usually there were eleven other soldiers in the room with him, making peace and quiet a true luxury. He brought the paper to his face and inhaled, doing so before he even thought about it. There was a hint of Irish Spring, he would almost swear to God. He started reading. His eyes scanned over the words, hearing Jared’s voice in his head like a breathlessly excited kid rattling off everything that popped into their head. Jensen was smiling and then he was laughing. Sand worms. Lady bits. He rubbed over his nape, brows raising as he thoroughly enjoyed the entire letter. He read it again, picturing Jared saying all this to him. Some parts made Jensen think Jared might be the sweetest kid he had ever met in his life. Offering to buy Jensen a Big Gulp. Mentioning the fair and the late night concert. God, how great would it be to slip away in the dark and sit by Jared in the grass, listening to music so loud their bodies hummed with it? Jensen thought that might be the best thing in the world.**

**Jared mentioning his freckles made Jensen blush. He had burnt when he first arrived. Now he was darkly tanned, but the sun block was sound advice. Jensen used it on any skin he was showing. The desert was nothing to mess around with. It meant to kill you and bury you in sand as quick as it could. Erase anyone that crossed the dunes. Jensen was steadily growing less fond of being hot and surrounded by giant spiders and scorpions. He had shot a spider just the other day. Anything big enough to just look at you when you kicked it? Deserved shooting.**

**He smiled seeing Jared talking about college. Jared would thrive someplace like that where a smart kid could really make his way. Meet other people as driven. Jensen wondered how soon Jared might tire of *him* because he sure didn’t have an education. He didn’t have anyone that would say, ‘Jensen? Oh yeah, he’s a great guy.’ Jared had a family. Connections in a town where everyone knew him and, Jensen bet, liked him too.**

**The ‘miss you’ made Jensen really smile though. It was thrown in there, tacked on like an afterthought but it was telling to him. Everything else Jared said, no matter how random was like a mini-novella. But the ‘miss you’ was left curiously unadorned by anecdotes or hyperbole. Jensen was no code-breaker, but he liked to think it meant Jared felt it was a big enough statement all on it’s own.**

**He laughed out loud over the P.S. about the flower and said ‘Lady bits’ aloud, seeing Jared was right. It was funny to say.**

**Getting out his Army issued stationary, Jensen started his letter back with enthusiasm. For a time he could pretend Jared was right there, close enough to touch.**

**“Jared-**

**Good to hear from you too. I never read Dune but I don’t get into Sci-Fi as much. I like history. Horror. Some older books. I read a lot when I was younger but dropped off some when I got into trouble. Just too busy, I guess. But I still like reading. I think the last book I read was about the Hellfire Club. It was pretty good but I got the feeling the author was really HOPING people did bad secret things. To the point of sort of spinning yarns in the blank spaces between proof and maybes. That turned me off some. I like things to be concrete unless the writer comes right out and says it’s fiction. I just don’t see Ben Franklin in fishnet spanking anyone. I’m glad I don’t see that.**

**The flower thing is funny but weird. Don’t tell anyone else that story. Ever. For your sake. I’m just kidding. It was fucking funny. Tristan, huh? My middle name’s Ross. So I can’t make fun of Tristan. You lucked out.**

**I do use sun-block but refuse to comment on freckles. I think you were seeing things. Which is amazing considering all that hair. I have hair envy. Over here we’re all shorn like sheep. Buzzed. At least I don’t have a funny shaped head or ears. Some of these guys have real complexes now that they can see their lumpy skulls.**

**I never went to a fair before. I’ve seen them on t.v. I hope you have a good time. Rob Zombie is a god. Hands down. Know I am now over here protecting your ass and jealous as hell. Get trashed for my sake, Jared. I’m counting on you.**

**Music. Now a soundtrack for me, that’s tricky. I like a lot of music. I understand having the angry music. Got to have that but the come down stuff is essential too. I guess I’d have to narrow it down by saying who would I hate to have never heard in my life? That might be a shorter list than every artist or song I like. We only got so much time to write here.**

**Stevie Ray Vaughn (listen to Texas Flood, listen loud so you aren‘t hearing anything else, go where it‘s taking you.). Led Zeppelin (Black Dog? Come ON. That song is an eargasm.). Concrete Blonde (first time I ever felt like someone out there might be writing a song for me. Joey.) . Van Morrison (The drunken uncle I never had. Tupelo Honey will always get you laid. ) Neil Young (other drunk uncle, but not the one that does weird hugs. Harvest Moon. Keep on rockin in the free world. Don’t Let It Bring You Down. Southern Man.). Bright Eyes (his president song. Probably not supposed to recommend it. At the Bottom of Everything. Easy, Lucky, Free.) . Morrissey (I have forgiven Jesus. But you don‘t really think he did. Great song.). Lynyrd Skynyrd (It’s obvious. It’s Lynyrd Skynyrd.) Then Patti Smith, the Boss, Pretenders. Hank Williams Jr., Blind Willie McTell, Robert Johnson, Nina Simone and any Metallica before they got pissy over Napster. I like a lot of metal and classic rock. But the ones I listed are the heavy hitters.**

**That said. Janet Jackson’s not all bad. A lot of people have gotten lucky because of her. Show some respect.**

**I think I went into a music rant. If you really love pop music, sorry. I won’t make fun of you or anything, just, if we go anywhere, you can’t pick the music. Period.**

**Hey, I hope you never let anyone correct or change your letters. I liked the one you sent just the way it was. Keep them like that. Say whatever you want and write anything. I like you, not the edited version, okay? So now you need to give up what music you like so I don’t think you’re shakin it to Britney over there. What do you do for fun? What was your first kiss like? Give me something entertaining to read. I get out of my mind bored. Hang with it on school, Jared. You’ll be out of high school before you know it. It goes pretty fast. Especially if you go for all the classes. I was kind of in and out. I have to get to the mess hall, clear and wash. You take care. I miss you.**

**Jensen.”**

**Jensen read over his letter and then got it ready to mail, hoping it got to Jared sooner than later. Some of the soldiers had internet, their own laptops. But you had to be approved both and be able to afford it. Jensen was not coming into the Army independently wealthy. Now he wished he *did* have a computer. To be able to write Jared and read a response the same day or later that night? It would be private too as opposed to having to word everything like he was talking to a buddy. He wanted badly to tell Jared that their kiss had been amazing and he wanted some more. He could close his eyes and think back to that day on the pier and ‘be there’ for a little while before he came down.**

**He had not put anything in his letter about the horrors of a war zone. He wasn’t going too either. To Jensen’s way of thinking, as long as he did not spread what he had seen or shared it with Jared, he was keeping something bad away from something good. There was a wall of control, left to Jensen to keep Jared safe from knowing what was before him every day. He would rather write six pages about action movies he wanted to watch again rather than tell Jared what bodies looked like after they had been left a few days. Or how children would stare at him in passing and he felt like a monster. Jensen wanted to be in the Army to take care of other American kids caught in the line of fire and duty. He didn’t care much for politics, didn’t trust old men to make all his decisions- but he did think he could do some good by training hard and tending the wounded. He had given medical assistance to Americans and others, Shiites, Kuwaitis, anyone that came to the clinic. It was just how it was. If he was asked to go out into the dark to see who was screaming? Jensen went.**

**Thinking about Jared changed some things though. Before that brief encounter, Jensen thought he was walking away into whatever hand Fate dealt him. Bring it on. Like he didn’t care. However? Having a long legged brunette out there catching his interest? Jensen wanted to make it back. He wanted to see Jared and get past kissing. He could get himself to sleep by picturing just hanging out with Jared, not dressed in his regulation uniform. T-shirts and jeans, bare feet. Lots of waving long grass. Giant blue sky with puffed out clouds impossibly bright. Jensen wanted that. He was not accustomed to having an ache and thinking another person could assuage it.**

**For as long as he could remember, Jensen had been on his own.**

**Foster homes didn’t count. He had gone through a long line of strange beds, hand-me-downs and strangers looming over him. Jensen had been born to a single parent, his mother, a teenaged junkie. He remembered seeing her some when he was really young. She was twitchy. Laughed a little too loud. Always wanted him to say he loved her, call her mommy and remember some toy she had allegedly gotten him when he was first born. Her hugs hurt. Track marked arms would wrap around him knowing he wanted loose and she would hang on like the social workers might give her extra gold stars for time. Having a living mother meant Jensen could not be adopted. One young couple tried but his mother refused them. She was not seeing Jensen at the time, in another halfway house- but she was not giving him up either. That couple, Scott and Marian, had put Jensen back in the boy’s home. They told him it was ‘too hard’ not to be able to make it official. They wanted a boy they could love and keep. The seven year old Jensen had been baffled but never argued with them. Even then he realized that the language of children was lost to most adults. Any helpless voice could be lost in translation. Someone had to care to hear it.**

**Going between the different ‘brand new families’ educated Jensen. He learned not to touch things, to never believe what he was told. Sleep light in case anyone tried to come into his room or touch him. Lock any doors he could especially in bathrooms. Don’t eat too much at the table, he was always the one that didn’t belong there. Try not to make the adults angry or irritated. Have no opinion on what he wore, ate or heard.**

**Looking back on it all now, Jensen wondered if he, himself, the person that he was integrally had been suspended and hidden during those years. His childhood. Once he hit adolescence his carefully laid rules went to hell. He started to hit back. Speak his mind. Call out the adults around him that were making money off how many unfortunates they could pack under one roof. Jensen started to notice girls. Boys. He was noticed in return. Sex became a basic outlet, a freedom and power. Something he could give or withhold at his discretion and it felt good. It was a tool to get what he wanted. Heady and addictive, being able to manipulate others. He found his looks were no longer suggesting he was breakable and innocent. He appeared anything but once his face became more angular, his body stretching and developing. Of course his rebellious streak led to him being deemed unmanageable by the social workers and psychiatrists assigned to him. He wasn’t worried. He stole cars, got into fights, sold drugs, generally having a good time until he was arrested again. Becoming a ward of the state meant juvenile detention from the age of fourteen to eighteen. He was urged to use that time to think of what he wanted to do with his life. As if he was immersed in a plethora of options. He could have opted for living on the street. Maybe mooching off other people until they got fed up. His police record was not conducive to landing a good job. Even if his record was expunged, everyone knew his reputation. He was ‘that Ackles boy’ and nothing good was expected of him.**

**But Jared didn’t know any of his past. Jared didn’t know Jensen’s name was synonymous with alienation and trouble. Jared had looked at him like he was just anyone. Actually, like he was SOMEONE and that felt so good it was like being reborn. You could be anyone you wanted to a stranger, but Jensen had been himself , finding Jared to like him. Jared wanted to know him. It was even on that score. Jensen thought about Jared long after the day had finally ended. When he hit his blanket that night, Jensen closed his eyes, fantasizing about Jared running to him across a moving emerald carpet of grass, slamming that long body to Jensen’s and taking him down to hold.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

  
You don't know how far you've gone 

Or recognize who you've become 

When'd you grow to be so hard...sick of playing my part

 

(I Spy- Guster)  
  
 **Growing up in a small town, some outsiders might assume you didn’t know so much. You were missing the glitz and artifice other people felt the need to clutter up their lives with. Maybe you took a little bit longer walking to where you were going instead of driving a fast car you didn’t really need. You knew your neighbors, their history and who not to sit side by side at any event or occasion. The thing was, you were an expert in a limited field if you paid attention. The town that surrounded you was your world and everything outside of city limits was ‘other’. What you *did* know about, you knew in-depth. A million tiny details that coalesced into a clear picture of life and the intricacies of everyday people living out loud. Or so Tom saw it and after twenty one years, he was almost positive he was right. At the risk of arrogance, which he tried to avoid, Tom felt he knew his town and the people inside it better than any paleontologists studying an ancient race and their habits. Tom knew those mosaic tiles that fit together to a cohesive whole in Gatlin and not a lot escaped his quiet blue eyes.**

**Like his cousin, for instance.**

**Jared was all boundless energy. Impertinence. Always seemed to be chomping at the bit as everyone else around it slowed him down. Tom was used to that side of Jared. But the boy that stared out the window or jogged home to check the mail? Jared suddenly having a rabid interest in watching CNN? Reading the newspapers and talking to the old men that frequented the diner to ask them about their service in the military? That was sending up red flags to Tom. He recalled the young soldier Jared had felt the need to see off. Jared had not given Tom any details past saying the G.I. was gone. On a bus and off across to the other side of the world. Which made Tom feel a little bit better. Tom had his suspicions about Jared but…proof?**

**Tom did not know for certain his impressionable young cousin was gay, but sometimes Tom felt like he was overlooking the obvious. Then he would see Jared with girls fawning over him and switch gears, chastising himself for being presumptuous. It would not anger Tom or make him treat his cousin differently. No. he loved Jared like a brother. He just never wanted to see Jared hurt. Not emotionally or physically. People could become so mindlessly hateful and take down trusting beautiful boys with open hearts. Tom never wanted Jared at risk.**

**He did not want Jared hurt by any soldier boy either. Who had to be of age to be shipping out and Jared was a baby, damn it. Tom’s eyes sought out Jared across the diner, seeing the coltish boy sitting in the corner booth. Jared’s head was bent over what was supposed to be homework but Jared’s intense scrutiny made Tom doubt the kid was getting into his Shakespeare.**

**After wiping down the counter, Tom softly tread to where Jared was reading, seeing the quick jerk of hazel eyes to him before Jared was folding up the paper in his hands. Tom smiled comfortingly and reached out to tousle Jared’s hair.**

**“You getting notes in school? Don’t worry. Not like I’d tell on you. I just wondered how you were doing over here.”**

**Jared gave Tom a dubious look, sliding Jensen’s latest letter into his composition notebook and closing it. He rested one arm over the notebook and squared his shoulders.**

**“I’m okay, Tommy. I already did my homework but Daddy said I’m too sit tight here while he’s gettin the truck looked at. So I’m bein still. How’s your night been?”**

**Tom was not convinced Jared was being an angel. Not until the endless donut was invented would Tom ever believe his cousin to be perfectly innocent in any given situation.**

**“So you ever hear from the soldier again? The one that came by a couple months ago?”**

**Why was Tom asking that? Jared narrowed his slanted eyes. Tom couldn’t know anything. Jared had been careful about getting all his own mail and sending his letters from the big blue post office box near the diner.**

**“Why do you ask?”**

**He had to smile at Jared’s hedging tone. It was kind of cute.**

**“Because it seemed to me, you being as sociable as you are, you’d have a hard time letting anyone just go off without another word. You always have plenty to say. Then there’s your sudden interest in the war.”**

**Jared sighed, meeting Tom’s all-seeing eyes in defeat. He smiled a little, dipping his head. Could be he just wanted to tell someone already. Say something to another person about how much he liked Jensen Ross Ackles. How he prayed every night Jensen would be safe. Jared had upped his going pray rate, saying prayers right after thinking of Jensen, almost every time he thought of him. Which meant a ton of prayers going Jensen’s way.**

**“I write him. He didn’t have anyone to write to. At school some of the kids were given soldier’s addresses to keep them company. It’s like that, just I know mine a little better is all.”**

**“He know you’re fourteen?”**

**Tom was so blunt. Jared looked up to his cousin under the shield of his hair.**

**“He doesn’t write anything bad. I’d let you see his letters but they’re mine and my business. Sides that… I am pretty sure he’d have a hard time feelin me up from where he’s at. I ain’t plannin to hike over there either so maybe it’s not as perverted as you’re thinkin. Guess you think I cain’t just have a friend, right?”**

**Tom held Jared’s gaze and then relented. He could not help it. Jared looked so hurt, like he was learning all over again there was no Santa. Tom had seriously felt bad making his baby cousin cry over that.**

**“No, you can have a friend. I just want to look out for you, Jared. Because I love you. It matters to me that you’re not ever being taken advantage of.”**

**Jared felt a little guilty for making Tom feel bad but he didn’t need Tom mother-henning him either. Pecking him to an early grave.**

**“I ain’t dumb, Tom. I know to stay away from weird old men and never to drop the soap in a prison shower. Got it.”**

**“Yeah, you’re a boy genius. What was I thinking?” Tom chuckled and sighed. He was not fully convinced by Jared’s ‘how COULD you think that’ act, but he could let it rest for the moment. Besides, if anyone messed with his cousin? Tom would put a hurting on them that they never walked off. He gave Jared another long look before going back to work.**

**Jared winced after his cousin was back to waiting tables. That was a close one. Tom had those ‘tell me all your deep dark secrets’ eyes and Jared- despite his best efforts- was not the best liar or deflector. He wished he had a poker face, but it was a work in process. He took Jensen’s letter back out and worked on his reply.**

**“Dear Jensen-**

**I don’t HATE Britney Spears. There’s a lot to love. But she isn’t one of my favorites. After reading your list, I went and got some of the people you mentioned. I think I need to be older and drunk to get into Morrisey. He’s a little dark, you know? Makes me think I talk too much. Van Morrison is good though. Brown--eyed girl. You can’t resist that song. I like SRV too. My daddy played his records since I was little. I hadn’t heard Concrete Blonde before but it’s spooky. Good, but spooky. I don’t know how to explain it. Kinda like you’re reading someone’s diary over their shoulder or something. Personal. I think that’s a better word for it. I do like Bright Eyes too! I would love to see Conor O’Berst live sometime. Patti Smith scares me some. I think she might bite. But just to listen to, she’s good. When she sang Don’t Smoke In Bed I was feeling it. The music. Nina Simone though. Shit! I never heard her before and I sat down to listen and wow. I think she’s so incredible. I won’t hear her without thinking about you and saying thanks for telling me about her. She’s spectacular. She should be on the radio all the time but she never is. What’s wrong with the world? Neil Young, Lynyrd Skynyrd, all the rest I like too but not so much Metallica. I think Metallica are their own biggest fans and I get turned off by that. Hank Williams Jr. RULES!!!**

**My music is what my friend Chad calls Emo-Rock. Because he doesn’t get it. Chad doesn’t like music you can’t screw to. My favorite band is Guster. Two points for honesty is one of my favorite songs by them. I love My Chemical Romance, a lot. Bright Eyes. The Killers. White Stripes. The Beatles. Alison Krauss. Ben Harper. Jack Johnson. Sublime. The Counting Crows. Tool. Marilyn Manson. NIN. Velvet Revolver. Rob Zombie. Otep.**

**So I guess I go all over the place with what I like, it zigzags depending on what mood I’m in.**

**What do I do for fun? Hang out with my friends. See movies. Go to work naked. Ha. There’s not a lot to do here. I go riding quite a bit, swimming. I swim at school so in my free time it’s like work but fun. Lake water beats chlorinated, no contest. Plus, at the lake- I don’t have to deal with Ronnie Dillard. He is such a dick. He is always acting like anything anybody does well they’re just doing to make him look bad or something. We got into it the other day and had after school detention. I tripped him on the way out of detention and now I’ve got to go back Saturday, which blows. I should have kicked his ass. Instead I have to ‘think about what I’ve done’. Which only leads me back to I should have kicked his ass. Anyhow… detention’s not so bad since I won’t have to work so much at the diner. My family owns it and all but it’s not like it’s fun to be there making not a lot since it’s ‘family’. I guess you don’t have to guess that I won’t be running a restaurant when I’m older. I’m thinking about ranching. It sounds a lot better to me than screaming kids and people that drip gravy all over the place. I swear they must have seizures reaching for the gravy boat. It’s that bad.**

**My first real kiss? I met this really hot blonde and we walked down to the pier. I thought nothing was going to happen and then we had this kiss. I wasn’t sure what to do with my hands. Like I wanted to go further. Touch. Rub. But I was not wanting to move and break the moment, have it stop on me. I won’t forget how sweet it was. There was just the right kind of sounds, so I knew we were both into it. I can still feel that tongue on mine. It was awesome. I can’t wait for more. Guess I sound like I’m still missing somebody but I don’t think you forget kisses like that.**

**What about you?**

**Where did you grow up? What do you like for breakfast? Do you like dogs? How tall are you exactly? Is your hair naturally blonde or was that just to be pretty? I won’t tell a soul. You can trust me.**

**Take care.**

**Miss you.**

**I pray for you.**

**Jared.**

**P.S. You have freckles. Accept it.”**

**Jared mailed his letter off and then waited. He waited with a calm for the first week, since he could imagine his letter floating across the way to Jensen. Going by truck and plane then camel for all he knew. He paced when he checked the mailbox, anxious by the second week. Week three yielded up a short letter from Jensen, the letters seeming cramped as if written hurriedly. Jared unfolded the latest and read it standing by the mailbox under the beating down sun.**

**“Jared-**

**Sorry about how long it took me writing back. We had a blackout. It means someone was missing and when that happens, no one gets to write home. No one gets to call or go online. All communication is stopped because the military doesn’t want anyone to say anything that gets to the media, until it’s known for sure where the missing soldier is. I read your letter over and over, I think I read it twice for every day I couldn’t write back yet. I hope you’re doing okay. That Ronnie kid sounds like he needs punched in the throat. Do that ONCE and he’ll be off your jock in a hurry.**

**I like your music. I think Jack White is amazing. I’ve never heard Guster but now I want to. Maybe you could send me the lyrics of the Honesty song? If you have time. I’d like to see it. It sucks not having a computer. I can’t Google anything.**

**The first real kiss you had sounds like you need more like it. I think you’re right. No one forgets something like that. I think you were both into it. Nobody makes ‘sounds’ if they’re not seriously thinking to do more than they are. I shouldn’t talk about kissing though. I’m stuck around some grungy ass motherfuckers, let me tell you. That’s both male and female. Showers are not as regular here as you’d like.**

**I don’t have much time tonight but I think you’ll do anything you set your mind to. Ranching, kicking ass, all of it. Let me answer quick what I can.**

**I grew up all over Texas.**

**Breakfast? If it’s early just coffee and cigarettes. If it’s later and I’ve slept, I like pancakes.**

**I like dogs, just not little dogs.**

**6’2**

**Nothing on me is real.**

**Write more soon-**

**Jensen.”**

**Jared memorized the letter before folding it and sliding it into his pocket. Jensen sounded so rushed and not just a little tired, but exhausted. Jared was not going to let it adversely effect his letter back though. Jensen needed the distracting and Jared had the time.**

**Thinking of starting on his letter back, he walked up the front steps and heard clanging in the house. Something breaking. Jared flinched back and then realized what was going on. Lately his parents had not been talking. Stony silences pervaded the house until everyone was relieved to have to leave to do other things. It was like living in a mine-field. One minute all was silent and then either his mother or father would pick a fight with each other or take it out on their kids that they were so damned unhappy. Jared heard his mother crying before his father came out the door, nearly bowling him over. Seeing Jared’s stricken face, Gerry shook his head.**

**“Why don’t you go on in there and tell her what a bastard I am? It’s all she wants to hear anyway!”**

**Jared turned his face aside and his father went past him, to his truck. Gerry drove away in a flurry of sand and gravel. Jared walked inside feeling cut up inside over witnessing his parents’ relationship falling apart. He was so upset for them that it did not occur to him to worry about the stability of having a home or foundation. He found his mother in the kitchen, Sherri cleaning up the floor. Glass shards were everywhere and so was the salad she had been making. Wordlessly, Jared brought over the trashcan and started helping to mop up the wilted lettuce and bowl fragments.**

**Sherri paused in her work and looked at her son, seeing how pale he was under his summer tan. She could not stop the tears leaking from her eyes.**

**“I’m sorry about this, baby. Sorry you had to hear any of that.”**

**Jared grimaced, his heart hurting for his mother.**

**“Mama, I can get this all cleaned up. Why don’t you go up and have a shower? Relax? We can have sandwiches for dinner. It’s no big deal.”**

**Sherri wiped her eyes on her sleeve, feeling frazzled and taken to a breaking point. Her baby was telling her to go get herself together and leave him to pick up the mess. She just couldn’t do it. So far? Staying together ‘for the kids’ was not doing their children any good. Now she felt like she and Gerry were two wolves in a small box, locked up together. Meant to end each other or die trying. The inevitable was coming but she could hardly find the words to say so.**

**“Sandwiches are fine. I just… I shouldn’t have thrown this at him. Never makes anything better…fightin…yellin…”**

**Jared nodded somberly, using the broom to get the last of the glass before he mopped up the floor. He wanted to do anything but hear his mother talk in that lost tone. She was his MOM. She was supposed to know what to do. Always. She wasn’t supposed to stare around the room like she had never been there before.**

**“Mama…what’d he do? Cain’t you tell me that? All we do is pretend you two ain’t fightin but you are. You said the other night ‘How could you do that to me’. Can you tell me what’s goin on? Please?”**

**She hesitated, pulling bread, meat and cheese from the refrigerator. Sherri had never confided in her kids. But she knew Jared was going to learn eventually. There was no holding it off forever. Without turning to face him, she placed the food carefully to the counter.**

**“Your father slept with someone else. He says he loves her.”**

**A punch in the face would have hurt less. Jared stared at his mother’s back, seeing those fine shakes that meant she was trying to cry without him knowing it. He walked over to her and pulled her into his arms. He held her tight, like she had held him when he was small and cried like she was now. His mother seemed so fragile to him and he wanted to make it better. How could his daddy do such a thing? Jared trembled with upset, going so many places all at once inside of him.**

**“I hate him.”**

**“No, honey…no you don’t. He’s a good father to you. To your brother and sister. It’s just we ain’t able to go back to what we were before this happened. I cain’t forgive him and he don’t want …me… no more… there’s no fixin it.”**

**He closed his eyes so hard they hurt. This was not getting any better.**

**“Are you and daddy goin to get divorced?”**

**He whispered the words, tight inside over the answer because he felt he knew.**

**When she whispered ‘yes’, Jared found out he was right.**

****


	5. Chapter 5

  
Margery's wingspan's all feathers and coke cans, and

TV dinners and letters she won't send, and

Every race night is shot through with sunlight

Trying to hit the big one one last time tonight for...

Drunken fathers and stupid mothers and

Boys who can't tell one girl from another

So she takes her pills

Careful and round

One of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down

But she's trying to be a good girl

And give 'em what they want

But Margery's dreaming of...

Trying to be a good girl

And give 'em what they want

But Margery's dreaming of horses .

 

(Another Horsedreamer's Blues- Counting Crows)  
  
 **“Dear Jensen-”**

**Jared stopped and stared at the paper for a long time. He felt so choked up that he wanted to scream. He wanted to stand up and leave study hall. Say fuck it and if they called his parents then fine. Let the school try to talk to them. Jared sure didn’t have any luck doing so. Ever since his mama told him that she and his daddy were divorcing, Sherri seemed more resolute than ever to have it out with Gerry. Jared and his siblings tried to stay out of the way, even when they were mentioned in the fights, their parents using their children’s’ names like weapons. Jared ran his shaking hand through his hair, glancing at the clock that seemed determined to lock in at 3:05.**

**He bit his lower lip until he tasted copper, tenderness stinging to his tongue. Jared bent his head back over his notebook and thought of Jensen. God, he wished he had a picture of Jensen right now. He only had his memory and he worried about that fading. What if he forgot the long lashed green eyes or the impossibly pink lips? He started writing again, wanting to write the letter he had put off for a week. A whole week. Because he was scared of what he might write. What might come out. He didn’t want to give Jensen any bad news or depressing topics. But every time he sat down to write, his head hurt from everything he tried not to say until he gave up.**

**“How are you doing? I am sorry this took as long as it did coming back to you. Don’t give up on me, I just had a really bad… month. I guess. I know I’m preaching to the choir on having a bad time. Sorry for that. I wanted to write you and tell you about things that might make you laugh. Keep your mind off where you are for a little while. I just feel like I don’t have anything good in me right this minute. Every time I try to fake it, my letter sucks. It really does. I tried. I am going to write what’s in me and just hope for the best. Maybe if I get it down on paper it won’t hurt as much.**

**My parents are getting divorced. Only thing is, they can’t just do it. They’re fighting first. Calling each other everything they can think of. Breaking things. We all try to act fine in public but it’s not going to last. Not with Daddy saying he might want to move in with this lady he met. Which makes Mama crazy. She took his rifle collection and ran over every one of them with her car before putting them back in the display case for him to find. Then he burnt her photo albums- which made her cry for days. It was our baby pictures. Birthdays. All kinds of things she can’t replace, which Daddy said was the point. It’s just twisted. I am so tired of sitting with my brother and sister and listening to them. We get out of the house all we can but eventually we have to come back. I think my brother Jeff is just going to stay in town with his friend Otis- but I can’t leave my little sister there. That wouldn’t be fair. Not that my parents would let me go- but even if they would. Megan can’t be left with them.**

**Great letter so far. I know.**

**I talked to my grams the other day and she said I could come stay with her but Megan wants to be with mama- so. I don’t know what to do. I keep going to school, going to work- then home. It’s not getting better and I know it will get worse. I wish whatever is building up would just happen already. I can’t stand the wait.**

**My parents used to be great. I guess I should remember that. It could have been bad all along instead of just now. I don’t understand how one person can just decide not to love someone else any more. My daddy said that. To mama. He just doesn’t love her any more. We all heard it. He said it like it made sense that he would cheat on her. His get out of jail pass. You can just say you don’t love someone and then whatever you did to them is fine- because you just hadn’t TOLD them yet that you were done. That they weren’t good enough any more. Someone else is better. I wanted to punch him in the face. Sometimes, when he talks to me I feel like my belly is full of snakes.**

**Mama is not doing good. She sits around a lot and talks about how if she just took better care of herself or was prettier. Crap like that. Then she breaks things. Cries. Drinks. It’s gotten to the point she doesn’t hide it now. She did at first. Leaving the room to have a drink. Now she leaves the bottles on the counter. Jeff and I empty them and throw them away as quick as we can but I know Megan’s not dumb. She has to see them sometimes. Smell it on mama. I’m sorry, Jensen. I wish I had a better letter. This one is horrible. It’s just I don’t know what else to say. How to talk about anything else. I guess I had to have someone to say this to that wouldn’t say anything back until I was done. I can’t hear any more clichés. That’s the worst. I just want to wake up and have my family the way it was. I swear if I have a single good idea this week or something interesting happens, I’ll write you another letter. To make up for this one. I miss you. Hope you write back soon even if you’re just telling me to stop being depressing.**

**Take care.**

**Be careful.**

**-Jared.**

**P.S. The lyrics to the song. ‘Two Points For Honesty- Guster’**

**If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time**

**You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind**

**Two points for honesty**

**It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all**

**I want to be where I've never been before**

**I want to be there and then I'd understand**

**Know I'm right and do it right, could I get to be like that**

**I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain**

**Will I get better or stay the same**

**I find I always move to slowly**

**Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind**

**I never knew till someone told me that...**

**If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time**

**You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind**

**Two points for honesty**

**It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all**

**And all the people who've seen it all before**

**And all the people who really understand**

**Know they're right, and have done it right, could I get to be like that**

**I'll know what I don't know, it's harder everyday**

**Can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly**

**I've found I always move too slowly**

**One things for certain, I'm insecure**

**I never knew till someone told me that....**

**If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time**

**You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind**

**Two points for honesty**

**It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all**

**Nobody cares at all**

**They never care at all .”**

**@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@**

**Jensen sat reading Jared’s letter and felt like his heart was dropping, bottoming out. Poor kid. He could feel Jared from so far away. It made Jensen wish like hell he could close the space between them and just go see Jared. Take him for a drive. Give him a shoulder and listening ear. Damn it.**

**It wasn’t like Jensen had ever had the white picket fence set-up or even the hint of two parents that loved him. But Jared obviously never knew anything*but* that and a whole world of bad surprises was in store. Jared was just so innocent . Wanting to stick with the bad homelife for his kid sister. Not knowing people said ‘I love you’ to cover a multitude of sins. Just like people would say ‘I’m sorry’ the same way. As if ‘sorry’ made it better. The band-aid of right. Jensen wiped sleep and dirt from his eyes, looking to a far off fire. The oil well was burning against the horizon, making heat waves roll to the pitiless sky. He hated the smell. Jensen wished he could be clean, able to sleep. Mostly though, he wished for Jared. He wanted to say the best things to Jared. Really help him. Show him he was not cracking up. You could be IN a crazy situation without being the crazy one. Sometimes things just went berserk around you. It happened. As evidenced by his current settings, Jensen mused with a spark of gallows’ humor. This place was not funny. The atrocities and degradations, violent deaths and tragedies were not the stuff of comedy. But soldiers knew a certain grim camaraderie and sometimes you just had to laugh. Even if you sounded unhinged, you had to laugh.**

**Jensen put a piece of paper to his M.R.E. box, (Meal Ready to Eat), the cardboard making a fair surface. He took a deep breath before he wrote.**

**“Jared-**

**I am so sorry about your parents. I wish I knew what to say. It’s making me really wish I was there so I could be around for you more than I am. I’m no expert but I’d say maybe you should think about living with your grandma. I don’t know. I can tell you don’t want to leave your sister. That’s good of you. I just worry. People can turn selfish. When they think everything is going wrong for them and no one else? They get this whole ‘me against the world’ b.s. theme going on in their heads. Alcohol never helps that. Not to sound like I’ve been through what you’re going through- but I know about alcoholics and drug addicts. Maybe you could talk to your counselor at school. Or someone you trust? I just want someone THERE to help you. I feel like my hands are tied way over here. Don’t let your grades slip. I definitely have a tone now, even if you can’t hear it. You need to keep your head straight and remember college. It’s important. Your parents are adults and even if they do crazy things and make bad choices, soon you have choices to make too. Like where to go to school, a major, shit like that. So don’t let it drag you down until you don’t know you’ve got a bright future. You do. There’s a lot going for you. Don’t sell yourself short. I sound like I’m lecturing. Jared- you just have to remember- and this is a hard one- you can’t fix everything. Or everybody. There are no magic words that can make others see what’s right in front of them. Sometimes even when it hurts you have to remember your parents are people too and they can fuck up. They can forget what they’re doing and what’s important. Who they’re hurting. I wish I had some better words. I hate that you’re hurting. Look, when I get back, we can go get some beer and go for a long drive. Go swim. Hang out under the stars. I want to see water, stars, grass and you. We don’t even have to worry about the time then. I have to get some sleep, we’re moving tomorrow. I am thinking about you. Miss you. Take care of yourself.**

**-Jensen.”**

**Jensen really wished he could dare to say more in his letter. He wanted to. After he had gotten Jared’s letter where Jared talked about his ‘first real kiss’? Jensen had been so tempted to write exactly what he did after reading the careful but sexily sweet words. Jared knew how far he could go, apparently. Just enough to tease Jensen into ramrod hardness that lasted until his hand could take care of it. Jared was so… adept at arousing Jensen. Bringing up reactions and feelings inside of him that he had doubted the existence of. He could love Jared. He really could. He glanced around and upwards, trying to will himself to sleep. In his dreams he could touch that beautiful boy that haunted him.**

**“Be alright, Jared…”**

**Jensen whispered to the night, hearing the stirring of men around him. Boys, really. They were all so damned young and he was no exception.**

**“Be alright…be there soon…”**

**He drifted off, wishing in his heart a hand was holding his in the dark.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

  
If it was any other year or any other life

But this one's mine to carry on now, yes, it's mine to carry on now

'Cause I will always disappoint you, is it vengeance or your pride

'Til you lose me like that trinket on your bracelet

Charming, charming

 

In the dream it's all a test that I face by myself

Lose the briefcase, lie at the airport, swallow the inky code

We'll all answer in the end in our temporary tongue

But for now, don't say anything, don't say anything

Charming, charming, charming charming

 

'Cause there, at the garden verge

I will pull you up in hope again

No more second thought

Will crowd you out of your desire

To be loved, not touched, to be

Blameless and ecstatic again

This is all there is, no knowledge is too much to bear in the end

 

And I want this more than anything and I want the damned red shoes

And I want to lead Dorothy back home

Here today, here tomorrow, here's the lay of the land

Here's my heart, here's my sorrow, I surrender

Charming, charming, charming, charming

 

'Cause there, at the garden verge

I will pull you up in hope again

No more second thought

Will crowd you out of your desire

To be loved, not touched, to be

Blameless and ecstatic again

This is all there is, no knowledge is too much to bear in the end.

(Charming- Jonatha Brooke)  
  
 **It was not his first time in detention, but it was the first time he had to sit through it bleeding. Jared was too stubborn to go to the nurse, so he just put his head to his arms and waited it out. He looked like five miles of bad road, he knew, but not all of it was from his after-school run-in with Ronnie Dillard, head terror of the school. Ronnie was just a way to let some of the rage out. When the other kid pushed him half down the stairs, Jared had stumbled. He hit the bottom step and then turned, reaching up- and he had a lot of reach to him. Jared just wrapped his hands around the descending Ronnie’s ankles and jerked hard. Pulling Ronnie down the wide stone steps with the bully’s head making a satisfying thunking along the way. Once he got Ronnie to the base of the stairs? Jared jumped on top of him and wailed with his fists. It took two football players and one brave math teacher to pull Jared off Ronnie Dillard.**

**Jared didn’t even pretend to be sorry.**

**Ronnie was rushed to the hospital and Jared was marched to detention. He only knew it meant he did not have to go home right away. He flexed his damaged hands, his knuckles hurting. He could sit here quietly. He had never been so reconciled to sitting like this before. He felt a stab of guilt over Megan getting home before him. There would not be any dinner made. His parents had made a game of telling Jared and Megan to ask the other parent for anything they needed. It was to the point Jared took the money he and Megan needed from the till at the restaurant. Tom never said anything about it. It was all Padalecki money, after all. Jared could not stand asking his grams for money because then she would be asking questions and he would not know when to stop talking.**

**He pulled out Jensen’s last letter from his backpack, blood smeared hands carefully smoothing down the crackly paper. He could smell fire on the paper even now. Jared ran his eyes over the words, thinking of Jensen’s voice saying the words to him. With a ‘tone’. He would love to hear Jensen’s husky murmur, curl close to the other boy’s strong body. Just to be away from all of this for even a moment. Jared decided to make the most of his time in detention and started to write Jensen a new letter. Even if he could not make it sunshiney, Jensen was writing back and waiting. Jared would never feel right leaving him hanging over there.**

**“Dear Jensen-**

**After I got your last letter I started to think real hard. I mean, you’re right about college. All the prep I need to do isn’t going to do itself . It’s never too early because everyone says it comes way faster than you expect. I went ahead and talked to my guidance counselor, Mr. Fields, and he took me out of two of my regular classes. I’m in Honors now for English and Science. I don’t make Fs, so relax. I get good grades it’s just hard to really think about it right now and care. I mean, it’s like sitting in my house while it burns down, drawing blue prints for some dream place I want to live in someday. I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen but our parents are definitely splitting. Which means they want to decide who has to take me and Megan. My mama asked me the other day which one of them I’d want to live with and I said ‘What’s the difference?” I was being mean but I meant it too. I can’t understand why they can’t act like my parents. Fake it. Unless they were faking it before and just ran out of steam.**

**I wish you were here. I know it’s awful for you. I can’t even imagine how scary it is over there. The news doesn’t tell the truth. They show the crappiest stuff. Like soldiers playing with a puppy or handing out candy. You know, I was reading the other day about Ares. God of War. A lot of historians think that the stories where the gods and goddesses had young people love them or get hurt trying to impress them were actually prettied up ways of saying they liked human sacrifice. There’s a lot of it in the myths but it’s said differently like Hyacinth died playing around with Apollo, this young hunter was chased after by Artemis. Things like that. It just got me to thinking. Nowadays people act like the old religions were full of crazy heathens and barbarians. Because they gave up their young people. Their best and brightest. If you read the minotaur story it’s there too. The pretty youths. I guess I don’t see that we’re so different now. We still sacrifice to the god of war, we just call it patriotism or whatever. But it’s the same thing. Our best, our strong being given up for war.**

**Is that morbid? I hope it doesn’t piss you off. I don’t think you’re like a pig with an apple in it’s mouth. I just think people are worth more than being bullet catchers. I don’t want to lose my friends, people I love. It makes me wish that I had a five minute window power I was given at birth so that if you ever needed me, really needed me, I’d be able to be there. Use my five minute power and make sure you’re safe. I pray though. I hope you know that you got a lot of prayers coming to you. I say your whole name when I pray not that I know a lot of Jensens. Chances are HE knows which one I mean. But still. Better safe than sorry.**

**I saw a new horror movie I love, by the way. There’s three I want to watch with you when you get back. Dog Soldiers, it’s about werewolves. Feast, it’s about never going anywhere without a buncha weapons and a flamethrower and the Changeling. The Changeling isn’t new but it was new to ME and scared me half to death. I was up late watching cable and found it. So we are watching it when you get back and then you tell me that kids aren’t creepy.**

**I will write back soon, I promise. Right now I’m being released from detention. I punched Ronnie in the throat. The face. Between the pockets and over most of his stomach. I do feel better. I didn’t know I could do that but once you get started it’s kinda awesome.**

**Take care.**

**Be safe.**

**Remember you have plans so you have to be sure to keep em.**

**-Jared.”**

**A week passed and Jared came to know that his parents were not going to yell at him for fighting at school. They did not even mention it. He wondered what they said when the school called? Probably referred the office secretary to talk to the ‘other’ parent that thought ‘they knew everything anyway’. Jared kept his head above water, working hard at school as a distraction. He was making better grades than ever through sheer stubbornness and an eagerness to do something good to tell Jensen about. He put in a late night shift at the diner, which was usually a big no-no on a school night. But Tom had called and asked Jared to come in for a little while. Gerry had not shown up so Tom would have to work the kitchen and they needed an extra set of hands in the dining room. Jared didn’t mind. He could use the money. He did not worry about Megan since she was at a friend’s sleepover. After he finished for the night, Jared caught a ride home with Tom, waving goodbye to his cousin before going to the mailbox. There was a letter inside from Jensen and Jared felt his heart leap high into his throat. The house was dark when he let himself inside. He sighed, listening for his mother and not hearing anything. He walked down the hallway to the kitchen, thinking to get a glass of milk and a ham sandwich. He could eat and do his extra-credit homework after reading Jensen’s letter over and over. Amazing how each letter became his favorite one.**

**Pushing open the kitchen door, Jared felt it was obstructed and then heard a soft grunt. There was movement as he was pushing into the room, reaching for the light switch. Before he could get the light turned on, his mother was drunkenly screaming at him.**

**“You came back NOW? After all you’ve done, you come back NOW? You can burn in hell! You hear me? Burn in hell! I hate you…I HATE you…”**

**Jared was suddenly rushed, his mother lurching at him, wildly swinging the empty bottle in her hand. She busted the side of the bottle to his temple and he fell back, teeth painfully clicking together as his head whipped to the side. Instinctually he reached out and gripped her wrist, catching her before she could hit him again. He had trouble focusing as his vision blurred with blood from the blow.**

**“MAMA! MAMA! It’s me…it’s me…It’s Jared…stop. Please stop…!!!”**

**Sherri teetered back, confusion plainly writ on her face. She was wild-haired, her eyes bugging out as she tugged at the robe she was wearing, pulling it closer to her neck.**

**“Jared? Baby? Are you okay? I think you’re bleedin. Go clean up. You’re getting blood on the floor. Go on now…I can’t do …everything…’round here. Your father just …thinks I’m the maid…”**

**Jared stared at her, holding the empty Wild Turkey bottle in his hand. His blood was ruining his shirt and jacket, messing up the floor that was already needing mopped up from the booze spilt all over it. He felt so exhausted, like whatever choice he made would be the wrong one. His head hurt so badly he wondered if he should call Tom. Ask to go to the hospital. Maybe. He turned to throw the bottle away and his knees gave out on him. He sank to the floor and dimly realized he was passing out. Grey flowers bloomed over his vision their expansive petals blotting out his mother’s face leaning over him.**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Tom sat beside Jared’s bed and had his head in his hands. His Aunt Sherri and Uncle Gerry had been led down the hall about two hours ago, taken into a private conference room with Dr. Mason who had some questions. Tom had been about to get into the shower when his aunt called him in a panic, saying drunkenly that Jared had passed out and hit his head. Except she was blurry on the details and told Tom she had hit GERRY with her bottle, Jared was just tired. Or hurt. Tom had called Gerry and then drove like a bullet to the house. He had found Jared in the kitchen, a towel pressed to the side of his blood-tacky head. Jared had not stirred when Tom slapped his face, said his name. It more than scared Tom. He was afraid to move Jared but thought an ambulance might take too long. He got Jared into his backseat, tearing through town to get Jared to the E.R.**

**Gerry and Sherri showed up separately but started fighting like banshees in the outside room. Gerry accusing Sherri of beating Jared, ruining the ‘best thing SHE had ever had part of’ and Sherri screamed back that Jared hated Gerry and Gerry was the one she was going to kill, not her baby.**

**It should have been embarrassing, Tom mused, but he wasn’t shamed. He was more worried for Jared than the spectacle Jared’s parents were being. The doctor and a social worker had the Padaleckis in the closed room now, asking softly hushed questions that Tom knew were dead serious. Jared had a concussion. Needed several stitches. Had been hit hard enough that a bottle broke to his head, splitting skin. Tom had felt the nausea hit him when the doctor was checking Jared’s pupils. Thank God Jared’s pupils reacted and he had stirred briefly, asking in a mumble for his pants. Tom told Jared that he was fine, just needed to rest. The nurses woke Jared every now and again, making sure he came to before leaving him alone again.**

**It should have been a shock, but Tom barely blinked when Sherri was arrested. Tom was glad Gerald decided to sit out in the waiting room. He really did not want to hear his uncle’s voice right at the moment.**

**@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@**

**Hurt. Jared slowly moved his head and lifted a hand, feeling a thick bandage on the side of his brow. He pressed his fingers over the bandage searchingly and hissed over his teeth. Someone stirred in the chair next to his bed and Jared came to enough to see he was in the hospital. He swallowed and crackled out, “Water?”**

**A cup was pressed to his lips while Tom spoke softly. “Slow, Jared. Drink slow. There you go…”**

**Jared licked over his lips and moved away from the cup’s rim when he was done. “What happened?”**

**Tom sat aside the cup and pitcher. He was glad to see Jared’s color was coming back. Jared looked like hell, especially where his hair had been cut away to allow for the bandage over his stitches.**

**“You don’t remember anything?”**

**Memory filled Jared’s eyes, bringing tears with it. He blinked rapidly and lifted a shaking hand to cover the lower part of his face.**

**“Don’t look at me, Tommy. Don’t make me cry, damn it. Don’t look.”**

**Tommy held Jared’s other hand, giving a light squeeze.**

**“I’m so sorry, Jared. I wish things were different. It was your mama…?”**

**Jared understood the tiny questioning lilt to Tom’s question. He did not want to believe it either. His mama wasn’t like that. He closed his swimming hazel eyes.**

**“She didn’t mean it. Thought I was Daddy. She was real messed up, Tommy. Why’re you lookin at me like that? She’s alright, isn’t she? She’s here? Where’s Daddy?”**

**“Shhh, Jared…calm down…please calm down. Your dad is down in the cafeteria having coffee. Your mom is at home.”**

**Tom was glad Gerry had gone down to the station for Sherri. If only to rub it in, Gerry had talked to the police and managed to get Sherri released. She got to sleep it off at home, at least. He watched Jared sag back to the hospital bed and sighed.**

**“Are you hungry, Jared?”**

**“No.”**

**Jared plucked at the thin blankets over him and closed his eyes, needing a second to get his mind together.**

**“I had a letter. Before I got whacked in the damn kitchen. Did you see my letter?”**

**Tom could hardly believe Jared was worried about some letter at the moment but he had been the one to pry the thing out of Jared’s hand in the E.R. There was a second when Tom considered saying he wasn’t sure what happened to any letter, but he couldn’t do it. Jared didn’t have much to look forward to right now and it was just a letter.**

**“I have it.”**

**Jared reached out as Tom was handing over the mangled and slightly bloodstained envelope. Jared was quiet while his eyes moved over the piece of paper. A single piece of paper.**

**Tom was worried until he saw a wild light of joy suffuse his cousin’s wan face.**

**“He’s comin HOME… He’s comin home. He’s got leave comin up. Jensen’s…”**

**Jared heard himself crowing and stopped, seeing Tom’s not so happy look. He could not help being exuberant. Getting to see Jensen would remake his world. Jared read the letter again, nice and slow.**

**“Jared-**

**Not a lot of time to write. Wish there was. We are having to go around and check houses for things they aren’t supposed to have. It’s what we spent all week doing and let me tell you we’re not popular right now. The thing about Ares got me thinking and I wasn’t pissed off or insulted. I don’t feel real valued right now so it’s a good time to tell me about barbarians throwing me on rocks. I get it. Probably more now than I would’ve before. I’m glad you pounded Ronnie. Give him something to think about when he pees blood for a week. Good news though. Got LEAVE coming up. I’ll be home for a week and a half. It’d be longer but we have to spend part of it at Fort Hood being re-taught how to act human before they let us go. Like the cool down after a fucked up workout. Can’t wait to see you. Save me a Big Gulp.**

**Take care-**

**Jensen**

**P.S. Thanks for praying for me. I feel it when you do.”**

**Jared smiled tremulously as he lifted his eyes to his cousin’s disapproving look.**

**“Tom…please…for five minutes…please don’t say nothin’ bad about it, okay? Give me five whole minutes…then you can say whatever you want.”**

**Tom nodded, a set to his lips as he went over and shut the door firmly, leaning to it. He checked the digital clock on the wall and waited out his promise. Once the five minutes was up, Tom let out a harsh breath.**

**“You have to tell him you’re a baby. You can’t see him on your own and you sure as hell can’t be thinking of him like a boyfriend. He could get arrested, Jared. Court-martialed, actually. Which, by the way, is worse.”**

**Jared folded up the note and carefully put it back in its envelope. He bowed his head as Tom unleashed, hearing the worry encasing his older cousin’s words, making them sink in deep.**

**“I’ll tell him then. Will you take me to see him, so I can tell him?”**

**“Hell no. You can tell him over the phone. Or I’ll go tell him. Jared, you don’t know this guy. You think you do, but you don’t. Nothing he tells you makes it okay, do you hear me? It’s illegal. It’s not going to do you any good..-”**

**“AND WHAT IS, TOM?” Jared yelled the words, a world of hurt coming up. He knew Tom was right. He knew it, but Jensen was about all Jared had to feel good about right now and he was not able to even hold onto him. “Tell me…what…I’ve got…because I don’t know.”**

**Tom sat beside Jared and hugged him, holding on and sighing when Jared tried to push him away. Tom held fast until Jared relaxed. He kissed the top of Jared’s head.**

**“You’ve got grams. Me. Megan and Jeff. Chad. People that care about you. Tell you what. When he gets here, we’ll go…meet him somewhere public. Then you can tell him. Get it all out in the open. If he’s really your friend, Jared, he won’t hold it against you.”**

**Jared closed his eyes, wishing hard he could just believe Tom, but he was having a hard time believing these days.**

****


	7. Chapter 7

  
I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear

to see you walking down the road

 

we meet at the lights

I stare for a while

the world around disappears

 

just you and me

on this island of hope

a breath between us could be miles

 

let me surround you

my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek

 

oh and every time I'm close to you

there's too much I can't say

and you just walk away

 

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night's

too long

and cold here

without you 

I grieve in my condition

for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

 

oh and every time I'm close to you

there's too much I can't say

and you just walk away

 

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night's

too long

(I Love You- Sarah McLachlan)  
  
 **There’s a saying people like to tell you when they think you’re having a hard time. ‘Take life one day at a time’. The people that say that do not know about conniving and hungry days that form an alliance and sneak up on the unsuspecting, taking you down en masse. Under a pile of days that slam so fast and fierce that you have no say in the matter. You are officially tag-teamed by a week and some days, no fair play involved. Such was the case for Jared. He was no sooner relieved that his mother was not in jail than he was being told he was going to live with either his father or grandmother. There was no conversation about it or query as to whether or not Jared *wanted* to leave his mother, just the understanding that yes, he would be doing so. Megan was already going to stay with their Aunt Doreen , and now Jared’s father acted as if only one thing remained to be cleared from his soon to be ex-wife’s house, and that item of note was Jared.**

**Jared was not misled into believing his father wanted what was best for him. Gerry was thinking of a new chance to be with a woman he fancied himself to be in love with. Since the girlfriend had no children, they would be a much more compatible couple should they both be sans offspring. But then Joanie? The girlfriend? Thought Jared was *just adorable* and wouldn’t it be nice to give him a real home and mother not likely to bludgeon him in a drunken fit? Jared really hated Joanie. He hated the lipstick on her teeth and the way she used liner to draw on a mouth bigger than God gave her. Her caked on eye-shadow was deep blue in the creases of her tanned face, really offsetting close set eyes under tall Texas cloud hair in platinum blonde. She was not, in Jared’s opinion, adorable at all.**

**He found himself with the option of Joanie and his Dad or going to his Gram Darcy’s. So he chose Gram Darcy. It meant moving to the town next to Gatlin, Springburg, and that involved changing his high school as well as his work schedule. Now he could only work tables at the Shanty on the weekends. Not that he was complaining. Jared was trying his damnedest to focus on the positive. That elusive firefly flicker on the edge of everything that was Jensen coming home. Jensen was coming home and if Jared could just make it to that moment? The rest would surely fall in line.**

**Valiantly, Jared tried not to worry that he had not heard from Jensen since that last letter saying he was looking forward to leave. If Jared thought about it too much he would get sick and glue himself to the television, watching grainy footage that just reinforced how far away Jensen was. How helpless Jared was to do anything to help him. Jared read everything he could about the situation Jensen was facing. The possible dangers to not just a hostile war zone but also an oppressed people that could erupt into riots, mobs. The occupation made the entire area like a spring being compressed between two big hands, if it ever got free it was wildly escaping all control. In the midst of the risk of exposure or dehydration, infections or landmines, there was Jensen and even at his height and strength, Jared felt Jensen was delicate and far too vulnerable to be where he was. Delicate in the sense that Jensen was skin and bones, blood, all wrapped around and holding in his precious life. It seemed a greater risk than Jared liked to contemplate. Realistically, every person in the armed forces was endangered and Jared knew that, but seeing the ads on television that made joining up look like going to camp or being in a video game drove him crazy. It would not be easy to let Jensen go back. To step away and not beg him to stay or run off. Jared wondered how anyone managed to not make it harder on themselves and those they loved in those moments before the soldier was just gone again.**

**Sitting in the empty parking lot of his new high school, Jared had his head bent over his history book, half-reading it. He was considering calling Tom and asking for a ride into Gatlin to see Megan. Check on his Mama. See Chad so he can be distracted for awhile by his best friend’s crazy antics. Chad was good at that. Especially now, with all Jared was shouldering, Chad really rose to the task and managed to be there for him without making it seem like an effort. Jared needed that.**

**Grams Darcy was good to him, yes, but she was elderly and liked things quiet. She liked to be in bed no later than seven thirty and was up at five a.m. sharp. Up and wanting Jared up too, so they could talk over breakfast before he was off to school. Jared was a good sport about it but he felt like a stranger burgling the place once she was in bed for the night. He was too tall to be as quiet as he wanted to be, walking around the chintz and china bedecked interior of her house. Even her cats gave him dirty looks for needing to move around after seven thirty. Her eight cats. Sixteen disparaging eyes in total. Jared missed his dogs so much but Jeff took them, promising Jared could see them all the time. That had not really panned out. Jeff was always taking trips with Otis and their girlfriends, which meant the dogs were gone too.**

**He sighed blackly and shut his textbook, deciding to go ahead and hoof it home. To Gram’s. He could not avoid the talcum powder and lavender scented air and plastic covered living room furniture forever. The place practically screamed ‘not meant for a teenaged boy’. As he was walking, Jared opened his phone and called his mother all the same. He kept it pretty brief, mostly asking after his mail. He didn’t have any. He tried to be kind and ask how she was doing, listening to her talk about her progress in her time of transition. Her shrink cost a lot of money, at least she was listening to the guy enough to quote the man verbatim to anyone that listened. She was taking up a pottery class and planning to get a haircut. He made sounds to show he was paying attention and then Sherri had to go, she needed to have ‘me time’ before making dinner. Which was also just for herself but he didn’t say as much. Best to just let it go. Jared closed his phone and was almost home when he was bathed in headlights.**

**Tense, he squared his shoulders and kept walking, even when the car creeped closer and closer. Being obnoxious about it. Jared set his jaw and tried to stay out of the way. He was the new kid in this school, even if he thought it was the least of his troubles. It was annoying but he could handle it. He was a social guy. Tall, not ugly. He was on the swim team. He could go out for basketball. He had a lot more going for him than some new kids would have. In fact if the assholes in the car weren’t careful they would be finding out some of what Jared had in his favor. He didn’t mind a good fist fight one bit. He glared over his shoulder menacingly and then decided to HELL with this. He spun on his heel and walked to the car, the driver’s side to be exact. He just had not been expecting to see Chad’s Joker grin.**

**“Chad? What the hell? I was about to come kick your ass!”**

**“I know and ain’t you pretty when you’re mad. Get in the car, Jared. I stole it from my mom to come see you…so make it worth it when I get busted.”**

**Chad smiled widely and nodded to the side.**

**“Move it , daddy longlegs, ain’t got all night.”**

**Jared got in and shut his door as Chad was peeling off down the road. Tossing his bag to the backseat, Jared stretched out, letting one long arm go out the window. He loved the wind in his hair and over his face, tipping his head back as he drawled, “So you stole your mom’s car just to see me. I’m touched.”**

**“Tell me about it.”**

**Chad grinned, his eyes gleaming under hair that was blonde as cornsilk and managing to fly in every direction all at once. He looked like a demonic Christmas elf with his cap pulled down as it was.**

**“I just missed you, Jared and thought… I should go see Jared. Mom would want me to be happy and seeing my friend makes me happy. Plus there’s a game tonight. Cheerleaders. Football too but…whatever… mostly cheeeerleeeeaders.”**

**A soft laugh left Jared before he rubbed over his belly. “Hot dogs and popcorn. That’s what I’m thinkin about. My grams has soup pretty much constantly. My hunger pangs have hunger pangs. I need food that you have to chew.”**

**“Do you think coz your grandma’s so old she probably dreams in black and white?”**

**Chad’s brow crinkled as he asked, looking so serious.**

**Jared laughed and shot his friend a disbelieving stare before he guffawed. “NO…”**

**“You don’t know. She might. It’s all grainy and grey…wait that’s her…”**

**“CHAD!” Jared punched his friend in the side. “Don’t even go there…”**

**Jared ignored Chad the best he could as he called his grams to tell her he was with Chad, reassuring her he would not be out too late. He looked over as Chad was doing his standard disclaimer.**

**“Sorry. It was just so horrible that it came to me. It’s my gift, Jared. I see and think repulsive things and share them with people that otherwise would have to go without. Like a saint of dirty no-no bad things.”**

**Chad laughed at his own humorous words, not minding if Jared joined in or not. When they reached the school parking lot, Chad noticed Jared’s wistful sigh. He shared it. He missed Jared so much. They had only gone to school together since they were in Pre-K. Chad was glad of his sound investment in befriending Jared on day one. Jared was a big teddy bear that would smack a bitch for Chad, even if Chad got himself into trouble. It was not a bad set up for the shorter friend.**

**The game was not under way yet. There was still time to walk around talking and sharing snacks brought from home or getting some from the vendors. Jared was in his element. He knew everyone here and that felt fucking fantastic. Refreshing. Sometimes Gatlin had felt stifling , too insular. Now it was like his bubble he had been missing. He was hugged and back-pounded by the guys he had grown up with, kissed and hugged by the girls. A bit more enthusiastically greeted by the girls who were loathe to ever see him go. Jared was such a sweetheart and the body on him turned heads. He was still filling out but long lanky cowboy was always in season. Not to mention everyone knew what trouble his family was having. It was common knowledge. Jared got attacked by his own mother, after all. The stuff of town scandals that would be shared and rehashed often with just the slightest embellishments to keep it fresh.**

**It was with relief that Jared found a place higher up in the bleachers to sit, using the blanket Chad had brought from home. Once the sun went down it got pretty cold and he was looking forward to wrapping up in the blanket and watching the game. If only they made bigger blankets. If he had to share with Chad it was going to get dangerous. Jared was trying to sort the blanket over his shoulders and across his knees when he heard a soft voice ask, “Cold, Jared?”**

**Jared feared he might have given himself whiplash with how fast his head lifted and he was staring up into eyes that had filled his dreams. Jensen was standing in front of him wearing a black t-shirt under a matching hooded sweatshirt, looking amazing in his tight jeans and boots. Unless Jared was full-on hallucinating from inhaling too much cat hair or something. It was Jensen. Here. Now. Within touching distance. Jared croaked blankly and coughed, trying again. “Jensen?”**

**Jensen had been looking for Jared for a few days now, not finding any sign of him. At the diner, ‘Tom’ had told Jensen Jared had moved. Depressed as hell, Jensen had gone back to his hotel room at the nearby Day’s Inn. He had tried the game tonight remembering how there was so little to do in Gatlin. There was a chance. A hope of seeing Jared there. Maybe he would have come back to see his friends play, to hang out. Jensen had told himself to quit being so fantastical , to stop looking for someone that had slipped away as a good memory. He wanted to believe Jared would not just forget him, but if Jared wrote Jensen’s old address then Jensen would most likely never get the letters. The Army did not mess around trying to make sure lost letters found good homes. The letters incorrectly marked or unclaimed were not a high priority. Even if they meant the world the ones waiting on them.**

**Having come out to the football game, Jensen had walked around the bleacher stands, seeing that he was the only one there by himself. Everyone else had…somebody or a few somebodies. They all knew one another. He was the outsider. Then a few jerky motions had caught his eye and he was looking up to see what should have been comical but was instead heart-clenchingly charming. Jared. Up there wrestling a blanket like it was rocket science. Without a somebody. Jensen ascended the bleachers and finally, like a dream unraveling, he was standing in front of the object of his affections. Jared just stared right back at him, like he didn’t believe it either.**

**“Can I sit with you?”**

**Jensen nodded to Jared’s side, not feeling as brave now. Jared could be here with his girlfriend or some lucky boy. He might be here with family and not want to have to explain the stranger to them. Jared surprised him by reaching out and taking his wrist, pulling Jensen down beside him. Jensen had a flash of pure pleasure in his heart as he sat next to Jared, smiling.**

**“Surprised?”**

**Jared smiled and it transformed his face from pretty to beautiful. His hazel eyes were darting over Jensen’s face like fireflies at first dark.**

**“I think I’ve become speechless for the first time ever. I thought maybe you… forgot me. Then I had to move. Livin with my grams now. My parents officially untied their knot. I don’t work as much. I kept thinkin of every way you might miss me.”**

**“I missed you every way possible.” Jensen whispered, seeing how Jared blushed and ducked his head. Jensen wanted to kiss him so badly it felt cruel not to, but he waited. Not here, with so many people around. This was still Texas and you didn’t go advertising you weren’t the family kind. Jensen saw a scar on Jared’s temple and his fingers went to Jared’s chin, gently turning his face to see the mark better. Jensen frowned. That was new. The scar was still pink and healing.**

**“Who hit you? That Ronnie kid? I am kicking his ASS.”**

**Jared flushed and touched the scar, feeling where it stopped just under his the spot where his dark hair was growing back in. He smiled painfully. He had Jensen touching him, beside him but he had to talk about ‘this’ first.**

**“It wasn’t him. I took care of him. He’s not too bad off but he hasn’t been as much of a fucker, accordin to Chad. Anyway, it’s no big deal. Doesn’t hurt any more.”**

**“Who hit you?”**

**Since deflecting had not worked well, Jared sighed. There was no nice way to say it or explain it. At least around town everyone already knew and he was spared having to spell it out. The game was starting up, the noise level growing enough that Jared did not have to whisper when he answered Jensen.**

**“It was my mama, alright? She got liquored up and swung on me, thinkin I was my Daddy. She’s rehabbin now, gettin therapy. She didn’t know it was me, Jensen. All she knew was she was hurtin and seein things.”**

**Jensen stared at Jared, his full lips pursed as he thought over Jared being hurt like he was and then automatically defending his mother. Jared was obviously uncomfortable with the entire situation but Jensen could not have just pretended not to see the mark. He reached under the blanket and took Jared’s hand.**

**“I’m so sorry. For all of that. Are you really okay?”**

**“Right now, holdin your hand? I feel like the most okay I’ve ever been. I wish you could stay or we could run away to Canada. Swear, I’d learn to deal with the cold. I worry so bad about you.”**

**Jared said the words in a quiet rush, thinking emotions were a lot like raindrops. Feelings could fall so fast and full that you felt their passing but could not possibly know each one in their escape. He had to be honest with Jensen though. Jared knew he was not being fair to Jensen to hide the truth from him. Even if he could just be with Jensen, it would only be a matter of time before it slipped that he was fourteen. That he didn’t have a license. These things would be red flags and Jensen wasn’t stupid.**

**Jensen noticed how little Jared looked at the game and his eyes dropped to the lips he wanted under his own.**

**“Hey, you want to get out of here? Go for a walk?”**

**Hazel eyes melded to green before Jared nodded. “Just…let me tell Chad first.”**

**Jared stood and walked down the bleachers with an agility that was lovely to watch. Jensen admired the lines of Jared’s body, seeing an almost childish lack of self-consciousness. Jared was leaning over to whisper to a blonde boy’s ear and Jensen realized that had to be THE Chad. Chad turned fully to look back at Jensen, even as he was nodding to Jared. Jared patted the top of Chad’s head , and then he was on his way back. Jensen met him halfway, walking with Jared to exit the stands. They were quiet as they left the game behind, the tall bright field lights making the rest of the night seem all the darker.**

**“Jensen-…”**

**Jensen looked over to Jared, seeing he was carrying the blanket over one arm.**

**“You know, Jared…I have bigger blankets at the hotel I’m stayin at. If you’re a blanket man. You want to come see them??”**

**Jared turned so red he tripped over his own feet and would have hit the pavement but Jensen was quick to catch and steady him. “Ahh….um…”**

**Jensen laughed softly, patting Jared’s chest through his shirt and jacket. “Hey, I was just asking. We don’t have to do anything. Seeing you is enough. Are you alright? Was I misreading things saying what I just said?”**

**Jared was shocked people actually said things like that without stuttering or falling down themselves. He could never offer anyone a tour of his blankets, especially since one was the homemade quilt his grams had made for him when he was born. He made himself talk without making dial-tone sounds.**

**“No. I mean, I do like you. A lot. Obviously, right? I mean… yeah. Of course I’d like your blankets. It’s just I wasn’t expectin to be asked over to see them and it caught me off guard. How long are you here for?”**

**“Two more days.” Jensen answered sadly. He saw Jared’s face fall and nodded. “Part of my leave was eaten up when they thought they might be sending us back early, so they held us over at Fort Hood. By the time we got out we had five days left. We leave late Saturday night. Eightish.”**

**“That blows so hard.” Jared felt petulant and cheated. “Because they wasted your time you get less days?”**

**“It’s the Army.” Jensen said as if that explained everything. To him, it did. The Army did not have to apologize or explain and that’s just how it was. He ran his eyes over Jared and saw how Jared could manage to fidget as he walked. Multitasker. “So…do you want… to go to my room? Don’t fall down. We can just sit and talk. I won’t jump you, I promise.”**

**Jared knew he was being as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. He swallowed hard and nodded. “I’d like that. I do want to talk to you. I cain’t believe you only got two days. It’s not even right.”**

**“Yeah, well, I’ve just been happy to take showers by myself and sleeping without anyone snoring around me. No scorpions in my boots. It’s like the Garden of Eden.”**

**Jensen led Jared to the nearby hotel and saw how Jared was all eyes, walking up the stairs to the second level of rooms. Jensen hid a smile. Jared was jump-worthy. Especially when he acted like a shy violet. They entered Jensen’s hotel room and it was comical how swiftly Jared turned on the lights by the door and sat in the room’s lone chair.**

**Jensen lifted a brow, closing the door behind him. He shrugged off his hoodie and draped it over the end of the bed. The maid had put the bed back in order since, when Jensen had left the room, all of the blankets had been on the floor. He slept better on the floor, ending up there even if he tried to stay in the bed. Jensen sat to the edge of the bed, giving Jared his full attention.**

**“So what’s up?”**

**Jared had a new blush to top the last. He was looking at Jensen on the bed and wanting to just go to him. Kiss that beautiful mouth. Start learning everything Jensen liked. He took a deep breath.**

**“There’s something I need to tell you. I… wasn’t exactly honest about something.”**

**Jensen did not look angry or shocked. He just looked curious.**

**“And?”**

**Jared looked down at the pale cream carpet, closing his hands around the arms of his chair like he was strapped into it. Waiting for volts.**

**“And…I need to tell you the truth. I just don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want you to never speak to me again.”**

**“Jared?”**

**“Yeah?”**

**“I am going to say something to you I never thought I’d say.”**

**Jared looked perplexed, beautifully confused. “What’s that?”**

**“Spit it out.”**

**Suffused with color, Jared sighed deeply. “Alright. Okay. Ah… I lied to you. Because I didn’t want you to not talk to me. Or like me.”**

**“You have a boyfriend? A girlfriend? Both? You’re a swinger?”**

**“I don’t know what a swinger is, so I probably ain’t THAT. I am…though… ah, younger than I told you. I’m sorry. I couldn’t put it in a letter. I was afraid it’d look bad. Real bad. It’s not bad. And you don’t know…”**

**“Jared.” Jensen narrowed his eyes, just about to go over and shake the long-limbed tempter sitting there looking like dessert so good it dripped as you considered it. “How old are you?”**

**“Fourteen.”**

**“Fourteen.” Jensen repeated softly and then threw his head back. “Sweet fucking Christ.”**

**Jared’s lips curved down into a moue of such sadness that Jensen wanted to kiss it away but could not. Absolutely could not. Jensen gripped over the back of his neck and squeezed, staring at the best looking jailbait he had ever seen.**

**“Jared. Fourteen. That’s a pretty big difference from sixteen. It’s…”**

**“I know.” Jared replied softly, feeling utterly miserable and thinking telling the truth was grossly overrated. “Don’t hate me.”**

**“I don’t hate you. God. Of course I don’t hate you. It just changes things. I mean…” Jensen touched his own chest and then gestured towards Jared. “It changes things.”**

**Jared dipped his head down, his dark hair cascading forward to almost cover the pain writ over his features, but not quite. He took a shaky breath.**

**“You want me to go.”**

**“No, I don’t want you to go, but, that doesn’t mean you can stay. I’m sorry. We just can’t be alone like this. Jared… God.” Jensen could not believe this. He was seeing how Jared was taking it. He wanted to draw Jared into his arms and hold him so hard it hurt. But it would be risky. Jared was untouchable. Fourteen. Jensen wished he had heard ‘fourteen’ and thusly Jared no longer effected him. That was not the case. But he could keep from acting on it. “You want me to walk you back to the game?”**

**Jared rose from his chair, feeling shaky and not wanting to cry. He shook his head and walked to the door. He was surprised when Jensen hugged him from behind. Jared took a tremulous breath and turned the knob in his hand, that close to being out the door. Jensen whispered to him.**

**“Call me tomorrow. We can have lunch. Talk.”**

**Jared half-turned his head, aching inside.**

**“So you can explain to me why you don’t want to see me or hear from me?”**

**Jensen gently released Jared from his awkward hug.**

**“No, so I can see you without touching you the way I want to. We can still be friends, Jared.”**

**Walking out of the room, Jared shook his head.**

**“I’m about sick to death of how things can be good and then they get changed into something else. Some other version that is watered down and ain’t worth the time to even explain how it’s supposed to be BETTER.”**

**Jensen grimaced and stood in the doorway, seeing the phosphorous like parking lot lights casting a gleam over Jared’s burnished hair and tall figure.**

**“Jared, it’s not like that. You asked me not to hate you. Should I have asked the same thing?”**

**The boy shook his head and walked away from Jensen, going for the stairs. He was not going to break down in front of Jensen. Couldn’t handle that too.**

**“Just stop. I don’t want to hear any more. Cain’t.”**

**Jensen leaned his head to the doorframe, hearing every step Jared took and then how the boy hesitated at the base of the stairs. Jensen cleared his throat and called down gently.**

**“Room’s 305.”**

**There was no response, but he knew Jared had heard him. It was all he could do not to follow after Jared and try to explain all over again. He would explain a lot better if he trusted himself to fully understand first.**

****


	8. Chapter 8

  
Tie yourself to me

No one else 

No, you're not rid of me

Hmm you're not rid of me

 

Night and day I breathe

Ah hah ay 

Hey, you're not rid of me

Yeah, you're not rid of me

 

I beg you, my darling

Don't leave me, I'm hurting

 

Lick my legs I'm on fire

Lick my legs of desire

 

I'll tie your legs

Keep you against my chest

Oh, you're not rid of me

Yeah, you're not rid of me

I'll make you lick my injuries

I'm gonna twist your head off, see

 

I beg you my darling

Don't leave me, I'm hurting

Big lonely above everything

Above everyday, I'm hurting

 

(Rid Of Me- PJ HARVEY)  
  
 **Jared’s face was buried in his pillow and he didn’t want to leave it. He had stayed the night at Chad’s house. It made things easier. He could have Chad to take his mind off things, also, if he decided to see Jensen…**

**Who was he kidding? Jared asked himself.**

**IF he decided to see Jensen.**

**Like he had not wanted to run back to Jensen’s room all the way back to the game. He had imagined the way Jensen would open the door, let him in, kiss him. Jared had the fantasy so strong in his mind that he had to duck into the men’s room when he got back to the football field. He jerked off as quiet and fast as he could, needing to have something after seeing Jensen for even a few minutes, and if it sent him over the edge imagining Jensen doing the same thing? He could not help that.**

**Jared sat through the rest of the game, ignoring the girls that Chad had eating from his hand. Chad was doing well, pulling as many girls as he wanted. Jared felt like a vegan at a steakhouse. He suffered through people cheering and being happy around him while he was his own little morose universe. At least Chad was so excited over getting a date with some blonde chick that he was not asking Jared much about his ‘friend’. Chad might get around to asking about Jensen, he might not. Jared just knew he could not tell his friend about Jensen without it coming out loud and clear that he was not ‘just friends’ with Jensen. At least, he did not want to be. If Jensen tried to tell him about being friends, Jared was not sure what he would say. He fell asleep miserable and woke up to remember the feel of Jensen hugging him from behind. So careful. Jensen had not pressed against him or pulled Jared back. No, just a light hug that Jared wanted to feel again, even if it wasn’t enough.**

**He skipped school that day, hearing Chad bemoaning his fate as he had to get up and go. Chad’s mother was yelling at her son all through breakfast and out the front door, telling him he better NOT think he was smart enough to take her car without her knowing. It was loud, the lecture, and some might find it uncomfortable to hear. To Jared, though, it was kinda nice. It meant Chad’s mom cared. She was willing to screech at her kid. Not just trying to be Chad’s friend and telling him that she needed ‘me time’.**

**Jared got out of bed at about eleven, after laying there for hours watching the ceiling. Thinking to himself. He had no plan whatsoever. Even after intensive thought on his situation. He wanted to see Jensen though. No matter what happened, he needed to see Jensen.**

**Also, of note, he had no change of clothes here. He rifled through Chad’s closet and found a t-shirt he thought might work. It hugged him tightly but he figured he could just keep his jacket on. It wouldn’t matter. Jared took a shower and then tried to make his hair look like he had combed it. Lost cause. He was scrutinizing himself like he never had before, wishing he had to shave. Or that his voice was deeper. Anything to help his case in the slightest. God, why did he have to tell the truth? Before he told Jensen he was underage? Jensen had looked at him like he was sexy. Like he wanted to really kiss him, put hands to Jared’s very interested body. Instead? Jensen sent him packing.**

**Jared took his phone in hand and checked the phonebook in the kitchen of the Murray house, getting the number to the Day’s Inn. He asked the front desk for room 305 and waited with a tight chest as he was cheerfully told to hold. Jared was so keyed up that Jensen’s soft ‘hello’ made him jump. He cleared his throat to the side and told himself he could do this. He had talked on the phone before.**

**“It’s me. Jared.”**

**“I’m glad you called.” Jensen sounded careful. “Are you alright?”**

**“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jared returned and winced over his own acidic tone. “Yeah, I’m fine. Did you want to have lunch?”**

**“Yeah, yes. I do. Do you want to meet me somewhere?”**

**Looking at the clock on the wall, Jared saw it was just after noon. He bowed his head in thought.**

**“Well there’s two places open in town. I’d rather not go to my family’s place.”**

**“I understand.” Jensen was being so gentle, his words seeming buffered from all sides.**

**“No, you don’t. It don’t have anything to do with YOU. I don’t want to see my daddy if I can help it. I try to avoid him and he does me the same favor. The other place in town is Chinese food. I ain’t in the mood for that. How about we stay in and order pizza? We can talk.”**

**Jared heard Jensen’s breath catch.**

**On the other end of the line, Jensen was gripping the phone in his hand and thinking Eve probably said ‘Have some apple’ about the way Jared said ‘How about we stay in and order pizza?’ It wasn’t even fair. He did not trust himself to be alone with Jared. He could not touch Jared. He kept telling himself that. He could resist the urge to touch the beautiful boy. Had he not sent Jared away the night before? He had. Jensen warned himself he was rationalizing as fast as he could. Tempting Fate and himself, neither of which was trustworthy.**

**“Alright. For a little while. We can talk. Then we’re going to take a walk. You can show me your town. Before I have to take off. I should see more of Gatlin, right?”**

**“Whatever you want.” Jared murmured, a hint of his smile in his voice. “I can give you my new address too, at my gram’s place. You want it, right?”**

**Jensen closed his eyes. He might be losing some of his footing here. A very slippery slope. Okay, better not to think of Jared in terms of anything being slippery. Jesus.**

**“I’ll see you when you get here.”**

**Jensen hung up the phone, pretty sure he heard Jared chuckle as the connection was severed.**

**^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^**

**He took the stairs in a stride that might have made a gazelle envious. Jared was in a hurry and his legs were great for eating up distance, especially on staircases. He was at Jensen’s door before long, rapping his knuckles there. He smiled widely when Jensen answered the door, seeing a curtained leeriness to Jensen’s eyes when they were face to face again in the light of day. Jared tried to look innocent, eyes going wide as he asked, “Can I come in? Before the tour of Gatlin, I mean.”**

**Jensen stepped back from the door and waved Jared into the room. He was wearing camo pants and a light brown tshirt, his dogtags hanging down to rattle to his chest distractingly. Jared found himself wanted to pull those tags into his mouth. Jensen put space between them, going to turn down the television.**

**“I wanted to talk to you about last night. I was pretty abrupt.”**

**When Jared didn’t say anything, Jensen looked over to him and saw Jared was looking at the bed and then the floor where the bedding was. By the flush riding Jared’s cheeks, Jensen was sure the boy was getting the wrong idea.**

**“Jared?”**

**“Who messed up your bed?” Jared asked, looking crushed. “Did you invite someone else over? Get it outta your system so it wouldn’t bother you to see me?”**

**“Whoa…whoa. Hell no…” Jensen bunched up blankets in his hands and threw them on the bed. He tried to make it look halfway decent. “I slept on the floor. I can’t get to sleep otherwise. I’m used to the ground under me.”**

**“Oh.” Jared’s blush ramped up. “Sorry. I guess I’ve just been a little crazy. You’re not mine to get all jealous over. I know we aren’t boyfriends. I guess we’re not even close to that, huh?” He lifted his hazel eyes and looked at Jensen, saddened. “I’m sorry I asked like that.”**

**“No, Jay, please. You can quit being sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong by asking. Why don’t you sit down? I’ll order some pizza. How do you like it?”**

**Jared took off his sneakers and sat in the chair that faced the bed. He saw how Jensen did not quite know what to do with himself and wondered if that was a good thing.**

**“Lots of cheese. Pepperoni.”**

**Jensen called the local Pizza Hut, not looking at Jared as he did so. Jared was looking too speculative for Jensen’s comfort level. He wanted to kick himself. This was a fourteen year old kid. Not a ninja or secret agent. He could handle this. Jared was not an evil genius. Jensen paid over the phone with his credit card and then had to get off the phone. No more prop to hold, nothing ‘else’ to do besides talking to Jared. Jensen sat on the edge of the bed and looked to Jared, meeting those thoughtful hazel eyes. Jensen might have squirmed a little.**

**“How’s school going?”**

**Well-formed brows lifted and Jared smiled a very little smile. He wondered why Jensen was nervous. Jared had anticipated being the awkward one, but Jensen seemed like he was about to come out of his skin here.**

**“School’s good. I had to switch to a new high school but it doesn’t matter much. I mean, grades wise.”**

**“But you miss your friends.” From Jensen it wasn’t a question,**

**“I miss a lot of people.” Jared agreed, sitting back in his chair, legs stretched before him. He rested his hands over his belly. “I miss you the most.”**

**Jensen blushed faintly and gritted his teeth. His eyes slitted but he was not going out so easy. “You still swimming?”**

**Jared patted his belly like that was the answer. “Yeah. I do pretty good. We can go to the pier later if you want. Do some divin. You like to swim?”**

**Officially no, never again. Jensen wanted to say he did not like to swim, but that wasn’t true. He just did not feel it was safe to go in the water with a wet Jared. He felt a real headache coming on, the first one he had ever experienced that moved from his lap upwards.**

**“Stop it, Jared.”**

**“Stop what?” Jared sat up a little, looking surprised.**

**“You know ‘what’.” Jensen sighed gustily but could not help recognizing the confusion on Jared’s face. Great. The kid was putting out ‘vibe’ but not quite knowing what he was doing. Just knowing enough to be dangerous. “Sorry. Jared… sorry for snapping. It’s just a lot to get used to. I don’t want us to be…wrong. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. I feel fucking crazy right now.”**

**“Because you like me?” It was asked with shakiness, Jared not wanting to hear that it was hard or unbelievable to like him. He had taken too many shots to the chest lately emotionally and doubted it would be easier taking it from Jensen. Especially Jensen.**

**“Something like that.” Seeing Jared start to move, Jensen held up a staying hand. “No…you don’t need to go anywhere.”**

**Jared smiled, feeling reassured by one thing. Jensen was not thinking he wasn’t cute any more. Jensen still thought he was *plenty* cute. That was something at least.**

**“Are you still goin to write me?”**

**“We can do that.”**

**“Don’t sound so scared. I can keep my letters the same. Just talkin. There’s nothin wrong with talkin, is there?”**

**“I’m not scared.” Jensen wondered what was taking the pizza so long. He glanced at his watch but less than ten minutes had passed. How was that possible? He felt like he had been holding his breath for an hour at least. He frowned darkly at Jared for all the good it did, just made Jared smile like it was Christmas morning. “I just want to be on the level. I want you to understand what is not going to happen. What we can be and what we won’t be.”**

**“You mean…” Jared replied, sitting forward, feeling a little reckless. “…you aren’t goin to do anything with me. Nothin…sexual, right?”**

**Jensen looked to the landscape reprint hanging on the wall, staring at it as he formed a reply. Jared was being a damned tease whether he meant it or not.**

**“That’s right. Nothing sexual. Just friends.”**

**“Like…brothers?”**

**Jensen’s eyes sharpened and cut to Jared. “No, not like ‘brothers’. You are so asking for it, Jared.”**

**“Askin for what?”**

**“To be shown right out. Because I know you’re trying to rile me up. I can tell. It’s written all over you.”**

**“You haven’t see all over me.”**

**Jensen bit down on a curse and saw Jared do that plugged in Lite-Brite smile again. “You’re a mean fucker, Padalecki. I guess I’m a little to blame for that encouraging you to get into fights- but you could cut me some slack here. For doing the right thing. We have to have boundaries. You don’t want me arrested, right? It’s not a really slow plan of yours to have me incarcerated?”**

**“I don’t want you goin to jail.” Jared murmured softly, “That’d make you someone *else’s* boyfriend. Not a good plan for me.”**

**“I…you…” Jensen had to have a cigarette. He lit up and stood by the partially opened doorway, letting the smoke mostly leave the room. “Just try not to make it harder than it is, Jared.”**

**Those impish hazel eyes fell to Jensen’s fly and Jared chuckled knowingly. “Maybe I am just tryin to understand. So I can behave better. Don’t you want to learn me?”**

**“I think you learn yourself plenty. Give me your grandma’s address.”**

**Jared stripped off his jacket and missed the sound Jensen made as the thin cotton t-shirt outlined muscles gained from swimming. Jared went through his jacket pocket and found the paper he had written Gram Darcy’s address on, handing it over to Jensen. When their fingers touched, Jared blushed, letting the paper slide to Jensen’s hold. “I wrote down the phone number too… just in case. My email is there. My myspace.”**

**“No blood type?” Jensen asked amusedly, trying not to see streamlined belly and chest under cocktease cotton. “If I am anywhere near a phone and I have a calling card…”**

**“You could call collect.”**

**“Jared…that’d be so expensive. But if I have money or a card, I’ll try to call.” Jensen gentled his tone. “Your letters really got me through. I read them so many times. I don’t know if I ever told you but you made me laugh when I didn’t think I could. I worried about you. All you were going through.”**

**“Yeah?” Jared asked softly. “And when you worried…what did you want to do for me? What was the first thing you wanted to do? Be honest.”**

**Jensen went tense again, lowering his lashes over his eyes. “You know.”**

**“Tell me.”**

**“I wanted to hug you.”**

**The younger man nodded, biting his lower lip as he sat back again.**

**“Thought so. Now I’m right here…and you’re scared to even do that.”**

**“Hugging can lead to trouble.” Jensen said it very matter-of-fact.**

**“Like a gateway drug?”**

**“Yes, smart-ass. Just like that.”**

**Jared was rewarded, getting a little smile from Jensen for badgering him.**

**“What if I promise to *just* hug you? What then?”**

**“What is taking the pizza guy so long?” Jensen opened the door more and peered out, checking over the parking lot.**

**Feeling accomplished, Jared watched Jensen. “You think walkin around town will make it so public you won’t notice me any more? Is that the master plan?”**

**“I think once I gag you it should work out.”**

**Jensen glanced to Jared’s beginning of a smug smile. It should have put him off Jared but it didn’t.**

**“You’re a brat, Jared.”**

**“You’re the one talkin about gaggin me.” Jared was being infinitely helpful pointing out what Jensen had said. “I think that might make people stare though. You out walkin me and all. But you can tell them you’re just bein my friend. I think that’ll clear up any wonderin.”**

**Jared stood up and slid his hands to the backpockets of his jeans, seeing how Jensen looked at his body when he did so. Interesting.**

**Jensen started to say something and then turned back to the door. He let loose a relieved sigh.**

**“Pizza.”**

**Jared waited as Jensen went out to get the pizza and tip the delivery guy. While Jared looked out the window, Jensen was chatting with the pizza guy, drawing it out. Jared wondered if he was supposed to be taking this time to remember to behave. Or maybe Jensen thought the pizza guy was cute and of age. After all, Jensen had little time left here, especially if he wanted to have sex. Did Jensen want that? Want it enough to solicit the pizza guy? Ask him to come back later? Jared scowled and was tempted to yell out the door for Jensen to get his ass inside. Like a boyfriend might do.**

**“What’s got you looking so pissy?”**

**Jensen asked the question as he shut the door, walking over to the table with the pizza.**

**“Nothin.” Jared let it simmer for all of six seconds. “Are you upset you aren’t havin sex?”**

**Jensen blinked and looked at Jared before opening the pizza box. He sat down on the bed and pulled out a slice, folding it longwise before taking a bite. He made Jared wait until he had chewed and swallowed before answering.**

**“No.”**

**“That’s it? No?”**

**“I didn’t keep writing you because I knew it’d be a definite hookup when I got back. I wasn’t sure you’d even keep writing. Or you’d meet someone. I am not sitting here wishing I was somewhere with a stranger getting off. I want to see you. I’m seeing you. Eat some damned pizza.”**

**Taking a slice, Jared sat on the bed, despite the narrow look from Jensen as their knees bumped. “Get over it. Pizza’s on the bed. I get to be on the bed. I skipped school for you, you know.”**

**“Rebel rebel.” Jensen did smile though. “But you need to be…”**

**“Takin it seriously. It’s important. Rememberin my options. I remember all you said.” He gave Jensen a significant look. “I pay attention.”**

**They ate in relative silence for a few moments before Jared felt he had let enough time pass to ask what was on his mind.**

**“So are you goin to start lookin for someone else? Now that I’m bust?”**

**“You aren’t bust.”**

**“Oh.”**

**“I mean…” Jensen flushed, not having thought out his reply before letting words fall out of his mouth. “I’m not looking. I don’t have to have ‘someone’. I can be happy with you as my friend.”**

**“Liar.”**

**“I am not lying.”**

**“You so are.” Jared countered. “I’m just lettin you so you don’t feel too bad about it. But since you haven’t asked or nothin, I’ll just tell you. I’m goin to wait for you.” He turned the full power of his puppy eyes to Jensen, long dark curled lashes doing their work to the utmost. “When you get back, I’ll be right here… and we can see then how well you still lie.”**

**That sounded like a goddamned dare if Jensen had ever heard one. He eyed Jared, not seeing a hint of waver in those multicolored eyes. He forced himself to finish his slice of pizza.**

**“Are you going to eat or talk?”**

**Jared took his time eating his one slice of pizza as Jensen had a second. He was kinda having a good time. It was strange. Tense. New. But definitely educational. The oddest things made Jensen get all tetchy. There was hope.**

**“You want to see the pier?”**

**Jensen heard the soft question and wished it didn’t effect him. That he did not feel a tightness in his heart. A yearning to go there- innocent of the facts- and just ‘be’ with Jared. Touch him. He hardened the set of his jaw.**

**“Maybe later.”**

**“When it’s dark?”**

**“Maybe now is better.”**

**Jared smiled. “Thought you might see it my way.”  
**


	9. Chapter 9

  
  
I won't worry my life away.

 

 

When I fall in love I take my time

There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind

You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why

 

Because

 

The remedy is the experience. 

This is a dangerous liaison

I say the comedy is that it's serious. 

This is a strange enough new play on words

I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend 

The rest of your nights with the light on

So shine the light on all of your friends 

When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

 

I won't worry my life away.

(The Remedy- Jason Mraz)  
  
 **They walked together down the sidewalks that were cracked and uneven, the town showing its comfort in old age. The buildings were no longer gleaming or competitive in the least, rather they had settled in side by side like old men dotting a courthouse lawn playing checkers. Gatlin was a nice town, not trying to be a tourist trap or huge real estate draw. It was happy with itself, the town square unassuming but proud, stalwart in complacency. Jensen had never lived in a town this small, and it seem idyllic to him. Everyone knowing your name. Being able to walk across your whole town in less than an hour. He was fascinated to hear Jared’s mini biographies on anyone Jensen might point out. He kept hoping there would be one Jared did not know, just to tease him- but Jared knew them all. Their pets too. Jensen went through the ‘tour’ with a mix of ‘I need to get the hell out of here’ and ‘I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world’. They were not touching, not even mildly as friends might do, but he was so aware of Jared. Jensen tried to keep saying in his head ‘fourteen’. It helped a little. There was a wealth of difference between Jared at fourteen and how he himself had been at the same age. Jensen was glad to see Jared still had a certain innocence to him, like frickin Bambi when he first learned to stand up. Jared had that. Eyes that had not been filled up yet with all the bad things he would see. Jared was sweet, the way a new day was sweet, the air just after a storm. More than that though, Jared carried himself well, giving back to those around him that kindness inside of him. Why did it make Jensen wish fiercely to stay and protect Jared? He wanted to keep the world from discovering the light of Jared and exploiting it. Pulling it out of the starry-eyed boy and leaving him a husk. Jensen had to wonder if he had *ever* had such a glow to him. There was no way to know.**

**“You doin long division in your head or something?”**

**Jared smiled to Jensen, walking with him towards the waiting pier. The smell of the lake was light in the air, that curious mix of life and death. Pleasant in its element, the lake gave off the smells of rotting wood, freshwater, green grass and that base of vegetation submerged. Jared would know that smell anywhere. He noticed Jensen’s deep frown and bumped a shoulder to the older boy’s.**

**“You okay?”**

**Jensen summoned up a smile even if he felt a little sick. He was swamped with guilt and longing. It was not a joyous experience. He kept telling himself to cut it short and go now, but found himself staying close to Jared as long as he could.**

**“I’m fine. Just looking around. Thinking about you growing up here. I never much stayed in just one place. It’s different. You can think of home as … a place. A town.”**

**Sadness pervaded Jared’s fey face and he saw how Jensen looked guarded and vulnerable at the same time, saying what he said. Jensen did not like to go into details about himself but Jared could tell there was a lot there, just under the surface. Jagged edged secrets and truths that twisted in on themselves, painful to carry. He looked ahead to give Jensen an illusion of privacy.**

**“What do you think of home as, Jensen?”**

**“You.”**

**Jensen said the single word on an exhalation, the answer just ‘there’ before he could stop it.**

**Jared looked sharply to Jensen and smiled, a relatively tame smile for him.**

**“I like that.”**

**He saw Jensen starting to frown- maybe protest- and Jared amended.**

**“I like bein part of you, Jensen. Whatever you want to call it. Friend. Investment? Whatever. It’s makin me something to you and I cain’t say I don’t want it. You want to come home to me, huh?”**

**When Jensen didn’t say anything, Jared stopped walking down the path and stood in front of Jensen, glad to be taller than the other male. He might be a stripling Jensen could knock aside, but the height was nice for staring down Jensen Ross Ackles when he was being stubborn.**

**“You can TELL me, you know. It ain’t goin to break you, Jensen. I am breakin myself askin. Hangin around, comin back worried you’re goin to be hatchin up some way to tell me to go and stay away. That you’ll leave and go over there… find some reason in yourself to never find me again. Because you could. You can just disappear. You can go anywhere and never see me again. What would I do, huh? Write you a letter and underline all the words three times so you know I really, really mean it? That’s all I got, Jen. That’s all I *could* do… and I’m still here because even the hurtin is better than nothin. Better than not havin every minute with you I can.”**

**Jensen found it hard to breathe. Jared could make him forget everything. He wanted to embrace Jared, pull him close and rock those painful thoughts away. His muscles hurt from being held back. He looked at the blindingly pretty face of the boy he could not have and saw the haunted eyes, the lips pressed tight to hold back the trembling.**

**“Jared, I am not trying to think of ways to never see you again. I’m going to come back. I just don’t feel right making you wait. You have a whole life ahead of you, people your own age…-”**

**“People. Because just anyone would do?” Jared shook his head and wanted to let the tears fall but he didn’t. “I want you. You. I know you want me too. You think if I was older it’d be *easier* to let you go? Because I doubt it. I really do. I said I was waitin. I’m waitin. You can decide whether or not you want the boy you left behind once you’re out… but it won’t change that I’m thinkin about you. Wantin you. Waitin.”**

**Stepping back a few steps, Jensen gave ground. Jared saw the victory for what it was. Jensen wanted to touch him and needed to keep from doing so. Jared closed the distance again and lashed his hand out, catching the front of Jensen’s jacket. While Jensen yelped, of all things, Jared started dragging him down the path.**

**“Came to see the pier. Let’s see it already…”**

**“Let go before you make me fall, damn it.”**

**Jensen heard the double-meaning to his own words and hoped it was not as evident to Jared. Something told him not to bet on it. The kid was too sharp by half.**

**“You keep your ass movin I won’t HAVE to haul you.” Jared replied, but it was tender. He released the front of Jensen’s jacket, glad they were moving again. If they stopped too long then everything festering between them was boiling up to the surface demanding attention. It was not one-sided. Jensen would not react as he did if it wasn’t mutual. Jared bowed his head, eyes nearly closed in consideration. He was going to get a kiss from Jensen. He just was. He didn’t ask for much from life and had gotten plenty of crap lately, but he was getting a damned kiss and that was final. He looked over to Jensen, their eyes locking before Jensen looked away first. Ah HAH. Friends my Aunt Fanny, Jared was thinking. “You goin to do a cheer for me?”**

**“What?” Jensen did not have to fake being caught off-guard. “Cheers?”**

**“You know. Those ones that teach you when y’all are runnin around. Doin the little songs and all…-”**

**Jensen choked, seeing Jared cracking up. “Cadences. Not cheers. Cadences.”**

**“Let’s hear one. Pick a macho one. Do spirit fingers.”**

**“I’ll spirit finger you..” Jensen cut off the threat when Jared gasped and laughed like that. He shook his head, laughing. “You’re a brat.”**

**“Aw come on… just one? One? I won’t ask you to run while you do it. No handsprings. Just a… cadence.”**

**Sighing, Jensen shot Jared a look. “I’ll do…part … of one. That’s it. Then you can’t ask again. Or call it a cheer.”**

**“Promise.”**

**Jensen cleared his throat and felt like a damned idiot as he rang out, “Momma, momma, can't you see what the Army's done to me- Momma, momma, can't you see**

**what the Army's done to me ? I used to date a beauty queen, now I hug my M-16.**

**I used to date a beauty queen , now I hug my M-16 ! Momma, momma, can't you see**

**what the Army's done to me . Momma, momma, can't you see what the Army's done to me . I used to drive a Chevrolet , now I'm walking all the way . I used to drive a Chevrolet**

**now I'm walking all the way …” He looked back to Jared, shrugging. “That’s it.”**

**“Sounds like a cheer to me.” Jared was laughing when Jensen pushed him, keeping his balance as the older boy grumbled. “Sorry. You did a good job. You’ve got spirit, yes you do.”**

**“Boy, I swear to God…”**

**Jared’s endless giggles made it hard to yell at him even if he was whooping it up at your expense. Jensen settled for pushing him again. It was an excuse to touch Jared without things being too intimate, but he made himself shove his hands back in his pockets. His eyes moved over the lake as it filled up the view, smiling in open relief. To get to be here with Jared again, that was a dream coming true. He felt like a weight rolled off of him just standing on the pier. They walked to the end, curiously silent and taking in the moment. Jared looked out over the lake, the horizon ethereally soothing, sky meeting water. Reflecting one another, so close and always part of each other, the elements. He went to sit at the end of the pier, knowing Jensen would join him, and he did. They sat that way for some time, Jensen having a cigarette while they wanted the glinting sun over teal waves.**

**“You ever fish here?” Jensen asked softly, not wanting to break the silence but curious.**

**“Me? Naw. I’ve watched my family do it but I hate sittin and waitin for what you can get at Burger King in less than five minutes…WITH bread.”**

**Jensen smiled, shaking his head. “Nature boy.”**

**“I like nature, just don’t have to forget that we *naturally* have a BK too.” Jared grinned, his hands going to the boards behind him as he leaned back to them. He tipped his head back, letting the cool air move over his skin. “You ever go fishin?”**

**“No.”**

**“Never?” Jared was surprised.**

**“Never.” Jensen shrugged. “Just seen it on t.v. I always wondered if it’s true, when they say fish don’t feel it. Being hooked and then thrown back. You think that’s true?”**

**“Don’t rightly know. I guess I never thought about it. I hope not. That would suck, wouldn’t it?” Jared laid back to the pier, looking up at Jensen. “Are you worried about goin back? Does it… scare you any?”**

**No one really asked that sort of thing, Jensen mused. He was mostly patted on the back in passing and hearing the same phrases over and over. Not that it meant nothing to him to have peoples’ thanks, it did, but he felt a lot of the time it was rote. Expected. Like saying a baby was cute even if it really wasn’t. He half shrugged.**

**“Sometimes it’s harder than other times. Coming home, you definitely know you’re on leave. Still chained to something else, having to go back. You know you aren’t staying so it’s a little weird. Like seeing everybody else around you and you’re in a moving car. You might stop for a light but never really getting out.”**

**Jensen did not raise his eyes as he was talking, lost in thought.**

**“I wasn’t usually scared over there. There were moments. I hated going into dark places, not being able to see around the corners. I hated scaring people too. For nothing. Because we’re told this house might have a cache of guns or there might be some Taliban or Al Qaeda in someone’s cellar. Bust into homes and rooting them apart. Finding mortars and sometimes just…you know… literature. It’s called terrorists contraband. I don’t know. There’s nothing clean about it. You never stand there and think…’Now that’s why I came’. Not really. Mostly you hope everyone comes back and there’s nothing falling from the sky when you sleep. The checkpoints, God… if you yell out for someone to stop or they just pass a certain point? You could have a car full of bombs driven right into you where cars are already waiting, full of people being checked. It’s hard to put into words. Seeing people turned inside out. A soldier crying because he can’t be there when his mom is losing her job and he’s sending home all he can, but it’s not enough. Fathers away from their kids, hearing everything second hand. It’s tough all over.”**

**Jared reached over and took Jensen’s hand, holding it with both of his own. He leaned in and brushed a kiss to Jensen’s cheek, seeing the flicker of dark-gold lashes. Jared ached inside and wished he could keep Jensen. Take care of him. Jensen didn’t seem to know what that was like.**

**“I love you.”**

**“Jared.” Jensen whispered Jared’s name on a hard gasp. He was staring at Jared, his head spinning even if he was sitting still. “Don’t…”**

**“You don’t have to say it back.” Jared was quick to reassure Jensen, and winced from his own lack of sophistication. He botched up the simplest things. “Just know it. Like a present. You don’t give a gift to get one. It’s just a gift. Take it.”**

**Jensen closed his eyes, but there were no answers readily coming to him besides the worst one. The one he shouldn’t say because he did not need to bind Jared closer to him. Make it forever when it never should have started and why did it hurt to let seconds collect between Jared’s ‘gift’ and whatever the hell Jensen was supposed to say back? He looked at Jared.**

**“Aw HELL.”**

**He closed that scant space between them and kissed Jared. Not the light tap to the cheek either. Jensen met Jared’s lips with his own and pressed until he tasted Jared’s shining glow for himself, over his tongue. He felt Jared’s hand grip his shoulder, pulling hard to hold him close and it made Jensen come back to himself. He could not do this. Not to Jared. He moved back and saw the bruised plumpness of Jared’s lips. Jensen trembled as he got to his feet, needing to move away. Back. Not touch.**

**Jared just looked at him, eyes searching as he watched Jensen. Jared had trouble thinking past the pounding of his heart in his ears. The world had shrunk down to just Jensen and that kiss? The world was a new place.**

**“It’s okay, Jensen. I wanted…”**

**“It’s not okay. It’s not. It won’t happen again.”**

**Jared scrambled to his feet, hugging himself and knowing Jensen was teetering here. Wanting to yell at him but not doing it.**

**“People kiss when they’re in love.”**

**Jensen turned away, putting his back to Jared as he started walking back to the path, thinking this whole damned pier was not going to help him remember his control. He heard Jared following him, but did not look at the boy. They were soon back on the main sidewalk, the silence thickening between them. Seeing everyone walking around Jensen was more aware now that they could have been seen. They were lucky not to be. Luck Jensen did not feel he deserved after kissing Jared like that.**

**“You aren’t in love, Jay. You think you are because it’s new and exciting. Something you shouldn’t be doing, but you are not in love with me.”**

**“Tell me you don’t love me.”**

**Jared asked it of Jensen like it did not mean everything.**

**Jensen just bent his head, walking faster as he headed back to the hotel.**

**“I’m leaving tomorrow night, Jared. You’re staying here. Think about your life, damn it. Your future. Be realistic.”**

**“I get it. I am thinkin. I am not a dumb ass. I work hard at school. I am doin that. But it won’t be my life. I want you …-”**

**“You can’t have me.” Jensen growled, unlocking the door to his room. “And I can’t have you- so we need to get the fuck over it. You hear me? No more.”**

**“No more what?”**

**“Anything.”**

**Jensen let himself into the room and slammed the door behind him. He had to. There was no way he could say another word to Jared without kissing him. God. He was so going to hell.**

**Jared stared at the door that had he had nearly ran into and pressed his hands to it. He leaned his brow to the surface and knew Jensen was right there on the other side. Jared decided he couldn’t let Jensen have the last word.**

**“Fine. You stay in there. I ain’t kickin the door down. Not on my salary. So you go ahead and hide out. I’ll see you tomorrow before you go, alright?”**

**When Jensen was quiet, Jared kicked the base of the door, hard.**

**“ALRIGHT?”**

**Jensen’s muffled response was still clear to Jared. “Alright.”**

**Satisfied, Jared turned and walked away from the door. He had no way of knowing how much he would regret *not* kicking that door in when he had the chance.  
**


	10. Chapter 10

  
  
It's been a long time coming 

As you shed a lonesome tear 

And now you're in a wonderama 

I wonder what you're doing here 

The flame no longer flickers 

You're feeling just like a fool 

You keep staring into your liquor 

Wondering what to do 

 

I don't hardly know you 

But I'd be willing to show you 

I know a way to make you smile 

Let me touch you for a while 

 

I'm gonna ruin my black mascara 

You're drinking whisky when it should be wine 

You keep looking into that mirror 

But to me you're looking really fine 

 

(Let Me Touch You For Awhile- Alison Krauss)  
 **Maybe Jensen was sleeping. Or just being stubborn. Jared knocked on the hotel door again, waiting and then really pounding it. Nothing. He felt angry tears prick his eyes as he realized Jensen was not there. Jensen had left. Ran away like a thief in the night. God. Jared felt his breath hitch and turned away, gripping the railing in front of him as he tried not to flip out. He just had to go and push Jensen. Had to make it even worse than it was. Show he couldn’t behave himself even enough to play friends. Jared stood there for almost an hour before he just…gave up. He was already late for work and this new development promised to make for a great night. He spent the rest of the evening glancing up every time to door opened until the clock hit eight p.m. and he knew for a fact, Jensen was not coming back tonight. Jensen was going back overseas and no amount of wishing would make him walk through the door of the café. Jared’s mood was black the rest of the night. His tips suffered but he did his job, stonily silent, wrapped up in thoughts of Jensen’s laugh or feeling those hands on him. He hoped like hell Jensen was not sleeping comfortably, leaving like he did. Making that choice for both of them to cut things off without cauterizing the wound that resulted.**

**________________________________________________________________**

**Jensen was not sleeping. He was resting his brow to the window of a bus that rattled and shook, managing to find every pothole in the road. He was not the only long face on the bus. Everyone had a sense of reservation and outright dread on them, despite smiles of mutual sympathy. The brevity and gung-ho aspect that a lot of the boys had come in with was smudged off of them, leaving an age in their eyes, a set to their shoulders as if an uncompromising weight had settled there. The guy next to Jensen was reading, which meant he had his high powered flashlight on to see better. Jensen tried not to jostle the other man, becoming one with his side of the seat, melding to the window. He watched everything speeding by and swallowed thickly. Jared was going to be so hurt. Was hurt already. Jensen just could not sit there and wait for Jared to come back. Try again not to touch him. Keep telling himself all of those very real reasons that made him sick of himself. He could talk a good game but once Jared stood close enough or said words that were too provocative, Jensen was lost. He frowned sadly, green eyes a million miles away as he thought about Jared. Should he write Jared? Should he just leave it alone? Maybe if he stopped now, Jared still had a chance at a normal life. Jared could meet someone that was not too old, not across the ocean. If Jensen was strong enough for them both, Jared might be happy. Better off. What did Jensen have to offer Jared anyway? He was just a grunt in the Army. A combat medic, yes, but he was not there to take care of Jared. Could not even help him through his parents’ divorce. Jensen wished he could sleep. In his dreams all of the logistics bled out and he could just have what he wanted most. Jared.**

**_________________________________________________________________**

**Days passed and became months, months a year. Jared did not hear from Jensen, though he checked for word every day. He told himself to give it up, but he couldn’t. There was a chance. Things could get lost. What if Jensen had lost Jared’s address? He should have made sure Jensen put it someplace safe. What if Jensen was all the way over in some godforsaken desert wishing like hell he could find Jared’s address? Jared pined. He even went to the recruitment center and asked the sergeant there if it was possible to check on a solider. He showed Sgt. Morgan that he had been exchanging letters with a friend he no longer heard from. At first, Sgt. Morgan said all the right things, patted Jared on the head and sent him on his way. Jared came back. Sgt. Morgan told Jared he would ‘look into it’, thanking Jared for his patriotism before walking him to the door. Jared went back again. This time Sgt. Morgan explained to Jared that Ackles was still operative. Active. So even if he was not necessarily supposed to tell that to a non-family member, Sgt. Morgan shared it with Jared, hoping the kid would let it be enough.**

**“Can you get my address to him, please?”**

**Sgt. Morgan rubbed over his eyes. Persistent bugger. He sat behind his paper strewn desk, a million things to do and yet Jared was not showing any signs of needing to be anywhere else.**

**“How old are you, boy?”**

**“Just turned fifteen, sir.”**

**“Well you have yourself a job? Yes? So do I. I have a job that takes up a lot of my time and I haven’t been able to do it because a mighty long shadow keeps falling across my desk.”**

**“Yes sir.”**

**Jared nodded at that summary. He sat in the chair before Jeffrey Morgan’s desk, trying to be as respectful as humanly possible.**

**“And I’d surely appreciate it if you could try to get my address to my friend. I might be the only friend he has in this world. I’m the only one writin him. From what I understand, soldiers fight better when they remember something good to fight for. Please. I wouldn’t keep comin back if it wasn’t important. Please. Just try?”**

**Sgt. Morgan sighed, gauging the kid would come back. Like a bad penny. A bad penny that could spend the better part of the day pleading his case until you weren’t sure when YOU last got to talk.**

**“Alright. Alright. I’ll send it along to his C.O. I’ll do what I can, but after that, you give me some peace so I can do my work.”**

**“You want some coffee?”**

**“Beg pardon?”**

**Jared smiled to Sgt. Morgan and nodded to the empty carafe on the nearby Mr. Coffee.**

**“I just noticed your coffee pot’s empty and you look beat. I can make you some before I go. A peace offerin.”**

**“I never say ‘no’ to coffee. Knock yourself out.”**

**Sgt. Morgan had to laugh as the boy made him a full pot of coffee, made him a cup to specifications and put it on his desk. Jared wrote his address down on Sgt. Morgan’s notepad before shaking his hand. Morgan watched the boy go and laughed as he emailed Ackles’ C.O.**

**“Hope you know what you got there, Ackles.”**

**Jeffrey shook his head, typing up the address perfectly so as not to have the kid hovering over him again.**

**_________________________________________________**

**He might have swallowed the desert. His throat felt so dry it was impossibly painful. Jensen got to his feet and ended up face down back where he started from. His left leg was twisted under him, the ankle badly sprained, possibly broken. He looked around himself and pieced back together what had happened. It looked like a scene from a post-apocalyptic film. Where almost no one makes it. Who would want to? Who would want to live to see this? An overpass was sunken and broken, the slant of heavy stone bashing into the tops of vehicles that ranged from Mercedes to old junky clunkers. Set bombs had gone off at the checkpoint and under the bridge, sending the entire area into chaos. There were people all around Jensen but he could not tell one from another. They were all blood and shredded clothing, too pink flesh you were not supposed to see. Jensen sat up painfully and felt his side bleeding.**

**Choppers were coming in overhead as he sat in shock, covered in dirt and blood. His eyes were cakey with the mess, and he knew deep down it was staff Sergeant Rodriguez’s life’s-blood that covered him, was in his mouth, ears and nose. The blasts had come so quickly that Jensen had seen a piece of shrapnel halve a nearby translator. Cut him at the hips to leave legs there a moment before they fell. Jensen turned his head and was violently sick over the sand. He was only dimly aware of being lifted up. He didn’t fight it. He was not sure what was happening when he was shoved into the backseat of a car instead of a med-evac. It was only when he heard the language of the driver that he realized how very, very wrong this was. Jensen lunged for the door but found a hard metal tip glancing off his chin.**

**“You sit still. Be quiet. Or we will kill you.”**

**Jensen looked at the man speaking so slowly and carefully to him, the words thick but understandable.**

**“Why?”**

**Jensen asked, not looking at the gun. He just looked at the man holding his life in the balance.**

**“You are doctor?”**

**Jensen glanced down, seeing his combat medic badge under the gore covering his uniform. He nodded hesitantly to the man with the gun.**

**“Yes, combat medic. ..field trained…”**

**“We have hurt men too.” The gun was pulled back as the vehicle roared away from the scene of so much death and carnage. “You help them or I shoot you. Understand?”**

**“I understand.”**

**What else could he say? Jensen patted over his chest, feeling his tags were missing and seeing the man smile.**

**“We took care of this for you. The dog tags. On the remains of another. You are okay.”**

**“No…” Jensen paled under his dark tan, feeling sick. “You don’t understand…”**

**“You think I do not understand? I understand very much. You are not going to be looked for. You are going to fix some of what you did here. Person by person. You are a dead man if I say so. Now YOU understand.”**

**The Iraqi man watched Jensen from sharp eyes, aware of what this implied for the young soldier. Jensen’s family would be informed he died. It would be over. Just another pile of meat in a body bag.**

**“You died a hero, boy. Let it be enough. You are no one now. Only here to fix.”**

**Jensen thought of one face, one person and he felt torn apart inside. He steeled his resolve, promising Jared with all he had. ‘I will get out of this. I will come back. God, baby, I am so sorry. So sorry.’**

**______________________________________________________________**

**Chad was not taking ‘no’ for an answer. Jared was going out with him and that was that. Besides, left to his own devices, Mr. Mopey Pants would be at home watching Antiques Roadshow with his grandmother. It was shudder worthy. Chad was allowed to borrow the car now since he had his learner’s permit. Technically he was supposed to only drive with another licensed driver but whatever. Jared’s happiness was on the line. Chad coaxed Jared into driving. That cheered him up. Jared was just so moody anymore. Chad understood being angsty but it never lasted long for him. He got over things quickly to better move on to other problems to be had. Jared was dedicated.**

**But not tonight.**

**Tonight was for football. First home game of the season. It was important. Brevity, damn it. Chad waited alongside as Jared was hugging Tom and Sophia, talking to his cousin and Tom’s fiancée before making the rounds. Chad was a babbler but Jared was more of a ‘how are you, let’s talk about that’ type and it took longer. Being all meaningful. Chad was glad to sit by the time they took a seat in the stands. They were loaded up with popcorn- that Jared dumped Reese Pieces into, big Cokes to the side, hotdogs on their laps. Chad was happy to shove food on his friend, Jared needed any and all forms of happiness. Even in fatty foods. Not like he ever gained weight. They made short work of the hotdogs before the game even started.**

**“You want some nachos?”**

**Jared laughed at the offer, shaking his head.**

**“Three hot dogs’ll do me for now.”**

**“There’s a mental image.”**

**Chad guffawed, picturing it and earned a cuff to the head. He responded by smacking Jared and they were tussling like overgrown puppies until they heard the blaring beginning of the speakers all being turned up. The high school principal, the music teacher and school band all took the field, gathering around in the center. It was tradition to open the games with a little fanfare. Get everyone all foot stomping American happy before the game.**

**The principal, Mr. Henry, tapped the mic and then smiled, leaning into it. The overhead lights played over his bald spot and spectacles as he spoke in the glib tones reserved for his profession and that of morticians.**

**“We certainly want to welcome y’all tonight and give you a good night of family entertainment. Our boys are lookin good and the away team, well they ain’t bad but you know, I have to be biased. Mrs. Thacker is goin to lead us in the Lord’s Prayer and then Shannon East…”**

**Some screams there because Shannon East had to be the hottest girl at Gatlin High, her singing voice only one of her charms.**

**“…will be singin our National Anthem…so I ask y’all to rise… Mrs. Thacker…”**

**The wizened choir teacher moved to the microphone and very seriously recited the Lord’s Prayer, hearing it murmured around by others, even if they were a little hedgy on some parts. Mrs. Thacker had her moment before nodding to Shannon East. The buxom blonde raised her arms to either side like Celine Dion before acknowledging her adoring fans. Even if she did the Miss America wave and turn at the waist thing? She really saved her energy for singing the national anthem. Loudly. Enough to make the microphone whimper and hiss. Still, Jared thought, it was not so bad. At least you did not miss all the people that didn’t know the words. You could catch those lulls.**

**Principal Henry took the spotlight again and adopted a properly somber expression as he patted Shannon’s back.**

**“Thank you for that lovely singin, Ms. East. As you all know we have many of our boys off in the war right now and the mayor’s asked me to make sure we have a moment of silence for those we have lost. I know a lot of y’all have family over there. Friends. Sergeant Morgan is with us tonight to give us the names of those that have fallen, so that we can acknowledge their service as a community. Sergeant…”**

**Jared sat up more, seeing the aggrieved face of Sgt. Morgan. God, this could not be easy for the man. Having to be the one to help tell families, going to their homes and seeing that loss rip right into them. Now Sgt. Morgan had to do this at all the games? Jesus. They weren’t just names. They were people never coming home. Jared felt pity for the sergeant, thinking he shouldn’t have to stand alone like he was.**

**Sgt. Morgan cast his eyes over the stands but he could not see past the bright lights. He had no idea who was there. He just knew he hated this new ‘request’ from the mayor. The families that had lost loved ones would know already, yes, but that did not make it easier. He cleared his throat and his grave voice rang out.**

**“I would ask that everyone in attendance please bow their heads as the names of the valiant soldiers are read. Those that gave their lives for our freedom and safety are best remembered and honored in our hearts and in how we uphold that which they fought for. Private First Class Sheldon McCaffrey, Private First Class Michael Dalton, Private First Class Amelia Landry…”**

**The names went on and on and there was a hush over the crowd as so many were known names. Some people gasped, hearing for the first time about a school friend or ex-boyfriend. Someone they worked with. A person they had grown up seeing every day. Gone.**

**“….Jensen Ackles…”**

**Jared felt shock hit him and go along his every vein to his heart. No. No. No. He stared at Chad and grabbed his friend’s arm hard.**

**“Did he say Jensen? Jensen Ackles?”**

**Chad winced at the bruising grip but then he saw the etched pain on Jared’s face. The white of grief.**

**“Did you know him, Jared? Oh GOD…your friend? The one that came to the game when he was on leave…?”**

**Jared was standing, running down the steps and levels . He saw Tom coming his way and shoved his cousin from his path. He had to talk to Sgt. Morgan. Jared found the man in the parking lot, racing up to him. Grabbing Morgan’s arm as he shook all over unable to stop it.**

**“Jensen? You said… did you say…Jensen?”**

**Sgt. Morgan’s eyes were pools of sympathy. He had delivered the news so many times but it never got easier. He nodded to Jared, saying softly.**

**“He was killed in a bombing, Jared. His tags and body were recovered…”**

**“No…”**

**Jared sank down to the concrete, his legs not supporting him. He could not see past the tears. He shook his head, whispering, “No. That…no… please… please… no… no…”**

**Sgt. Morgan knelt next to the fallen boy and hugged him, seeing two young men racing over. Friends of Jared’s, he assumed.**

**“I am so sorry, son. So sorry.”**

**Jared struggled to get loose of Jeff’s arms and then he was on the grass, losing all the food he had eaten. He dry heaved until he was sobbing, broken inside. Tom gathered up his cousin, scared to death for Jared when he heard the sounds coming out of him.**

**“It’s alright, Sergeant. I’m his cousin. I’ll see he gets home. Can you… can I call you for the details? The funeral…”**

**Jared was clinging to Tom, his face buried to Tom’s shoulder like he could hide from the world if he tried hard enough.**

**“Yes.” Sgt. Morgan said quietly. “Anytime. Jared, you can call anytime you need to. I am very sorry for your loss…”**

**Loss.**

**Jared felt too bereft to even care where he was taken or by whom. He only wanted to lie down and curl around every last memory he had of Jensen. Take them from his heart and mind and turn them over inside of himself until he could horde them all away again. He wanted to throw away the world if Jensen was not part of it. How could anything ever be right again?  
**


	11. Chapter 11

  
Couldn't save you from the start

Love you so it hurts my soul

Can you forgive me for trying again

Your silence makes me hold my breath

Oh, time has passed you by

 

Ooh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world

Ooh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own

Here I am left in silence

 

You gave up the fight

You left me behind

All that stands forgiven

You'll always be mine

I know deep inside

All that stands forgiven

 

I watched the clouds drifting away

Still the sun can't warm my face

I know it was destined to go wrong

You were looking for the great escape

To chase your demons away

 

Ooh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world

Ooh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own

And here I am left in silence

 

You gave up the fight

You left me behind

All that stands forgiven

You'll always be mine 

I know deep inside

All that stands forgiven

 

I've been so lost since you've gone

Why not me before you

Why did fate deceive me

Everything turned out so wrong

Why did you leave me in silence

 

You gave up the fight

You left me behind

All that stands forgiven

You'll always be mine 

I know deep inside

All that stands forgiven

(Forgiven- Within Temptation)  
  
 **A soft knock to the door roused no sound from inside the room. Tom knocked again before turning the knob and going into Jared’s dark bedroom. He saw his cousin’s long frame on the bed, fully dressed, on his belly. Tom sat beside Jared, reaching over to put a hand to the boy’s shoulder. He had no idea what to say. It hurt to see Jared suffering, taking it so hard that it filled the air around him with his pain. Tom had told their grandmother that Jared had lost a friend in the war, their grandmother instantly sympathetic. All the words were not seeming to reach Jared. He wanted to be alone. He wanted it dark. Tom did not believe dragging Jared outside was going to do any good. It had been three days since the announcement of Jensen’s death. Jared scarcely ate or roused from his bed, tempting Tom to undress him and shove him in the shower for his own sake.**

**“Jared? Are you awake?”**

**“No.”**

**Jared whispered his reply, so faint Tom might have lost it if not for the eerie stillness of the room. Tom saw the letters were on the pillow by Jared’s head, one of Jared’s hands protectively covering them like a stray wind might come and blow them all away.**

**“I talked to Sergeant Morgan. I thought you’d want to know about the funeral. It’s tomorrow afternoon. At two. Down at Elder Grove. You know the one. Has the bridge in the middle…”**

**“Service?”**

**“What?”**

**Jared sat up a very little bit.**

**“His service. When is his service? The viewing?”**

**Tom grimaced and felt mildly ill having to tell Jared these things.**

**“There won’t be a viewing. Or services outside of the pastor at the grave site. Jensen didn’t have any family. It’s just going to be a very simple… ceremony.”**

**“He had me.” Jared said quietly, tears coming back. He thought he had spent them all, but they came back. “I was his family. He should have a real service.”**

**“Jared, that kinda thing takes a lot of money… and do you think Jensen would want you to do all that? You knew him better than I did. What do you think he would want?”**

**“Don’t talk to me like you care what Jensen would want. You never liked him.” Jared spat the words and then, “I’m sorry, Tommy. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It just hurts so bad I cain’t hardly breathe. I’m sorry…”**

**Tom pulled Jared into his arms and held tight. He felt the sobs working through Jared, the gasps for air past his grief.**

**“I wish I had known him better, Jared. I am sorry he’s gone and that you’re hurting… you don’t have to apologize. Just let me be here for you.”**

**“I don’t even want to be here…”**

**“Please don’t say that. Don’t think it. Jared… you can’t stay locked up in here. Starving yourself. Just sitting in the dark…”**

**“I’m so tired. So tired. All I want to do is sleep. I’ll fix it later. Work. School. Whatever. I just cain’t right now.”**

**Jared sounded so beat, like he was barely awake as he was. It scared Tom to hear that sort of defeat from someone who had always defied what was thrown at him. Jared was a fighter. The first to help anyone in need, to give an encouraging word. Tom was reminded of how small and colorless even the brightest birds seem once they lose their right to fly. Caged, bereft of what they love. Willing themselves to die.**

**“You need to get up. You need to eat.”**

**Jared pushed Tom away and laid back down. He shook his head, whispering.**

**“Leave me alone, Tom. You ever cared about me a lick, you’ll leave me alone. I need to sleep.”**

**Tom was torn. He was no grief counselor. Never had lost anyone he was in love with and yes, seeing this he believed for the first time Jared *was* in love. Jared’s voice was so raw from tears that it barely sounded like him. Tom stood, not seeing a hint of reaction from Jared.**

**“I’m going to be in the kitchen. Making dinner for you. Which you will eat. Then you’re taking a shower. At least drinking some water.”**

**There was no response and Tom sighed, walking out of the room and closing the door behind him with a click. Jared vaguely registered Tom leaving. He was thinking of Jensen being buried and that was that. They were taking the very last of Jensen and putting him in a hole in the ground. Like he never happened. Just covering him up where he would be alone. Deep down in the blackness and alone. Jared sat up in his bed, the pain in his chest searing. He hugged his knees, rocking himself as he muffled his crying the best he could. He would be there. Even if it killed him, he would be there for Jensen. Tom was right about one thing though. Jensen would not want anything fancy. It would not suit him. Jared wondered if you could die from your heart hurting like this. He stumbled from his bed and turned on the lights. Everything seemed so strange to him. Foreign. Because it was all wrong. A world without Jensen was wrong. What was the point?**

**He looked at himself in the mirror and tried to ‘feel’ Jensen. He had been trying to see if… if some part of Jensen, might have come back to him. Was that crazy? Jared did not know. But there was nothing. No ghost or trace. Jared stared at his own gaunt face and barely knew himself. He began to believe that hearing Jensen was dead should have killed him. He did not belong here anymore. He should have had the mercy of dying on the spot. But he was not dead. He wanted to be. God. He pictured being able to be wherever Jensen was and the temptation was insidious and drugging. He could be with the man he loved. It could be quick. Like walking through a door from one room to another. Still, he was stopped- because he knew in his heart of hearts that Jensen would never approve. Jensen would not want him that way.**

**Jared’s face crumpled even as he was thinking about it and he leaned into the mirror, his blurry reflection making it easy to pretend someone was standing there with him. So close but so far away. If he closed his eyes just enough as he cried, he could imagine it was Jensen, watching him through a rainy window. He could pretend. It just never lasted.**

**__________________________________________________**

**The day was overcast, thick grey clouds rolling in and making the sky hum with the need to drown the earth below. The party of mourners was small. But then, the pastor, Father Agnew, had seen lesser turn-outs. He shook the hands of the young men there, and then that of the Sergeant, Jeff Morgan. He and Jeff had presided over a few of these burials now, interring boys and girls well before their time. It was heartbreaking but their last duty to those that had fallen. The casket was a shiny black, not the usual low priced model used as ‘military issue’ if no family was involved. Father Agnew wondered who had paid for it, but would never ask. He suspected the tall young man that seemed drained of life himself. Obviously a friend to the deceased.**

**Tom and Chad stood to either side of Jared, his grams sitting in a chair provided by the undertaker. Grams Darcy had insisted on coming along, looking prim and elegant in her pill box hat and matching grey silk dress. Jared was staring at the casket. He could not tear his eyes away from it. The scent of roses and rain thickened the air, spilling over him. He wanted to fall apart. Or wake up. He was powerless to stop this. No matter how much he did not want to believe it, the man he loved was torn apart, away. Gone. Jensen was never going to laugh for him again, reach out to him.**

**“I cain’t do this.”**

**Jared whispered it and felt like he was shaking apart.**

**A strong arm encircled Jared’s arm and Sgt. Morgan whispered softly to Jared.**

**“Take deep breaths. Remember what you’re here for. To see him off right. He needs you. You can do most anything when it’s for someone you love, Jared.”**

**Jared blinked rapidly, clearing his eyes. He looked to Morgan and saw real knowledge there. Jeff *knew*. He knew Jared was not just sad over a ‘friend’. Jared gritted his teeth and looked to the droning pastor that had stopped in the middle of ‘glory’ and ‘pride’.**

**“I’m sorry, go on. Please.”**

**“Of course.” Father Agnew was reading a passage from Psalms, seeing how Sgt. Morgan was practically holding Jared up. Keeping him on his feet. After he had said the usual words, the holy man nodded to the mourners. “If anyone has anything they would like to say in memory, please…come forth.”**

**Jared was not sure he could speak, or what he should say aloud. He was in a maelstrom of confused agony and his mind was clouded over. He held the poem he had brought for Jensen, but he could not say it in front of everyone. It was private. For Jensen. Not for everyone. No one was going to say anything bad about Jensen.**

**Chad cleared his throat and respectfully spoke, shocking everyone that knew him. “I just wanted to say, Jensen, I wish I could have known you better but you were a good friend to Jared…and since… we pretty much shared everything since we were in preschool… I think you and me would’ve been friends too. I would have liked that. I am sorry you’re gone, man. Wherever you are, you got friends in Gatlin. Thank you…for what you did.”**

**Tom was looking at Chad in a cross between amazement and tenderness. Chad was doing what he could for Jared and it was actually quite… precious. Tom nodded to the pastor. There was no kindness in waiting to see if Jared might be pressured into saying anything. Tom wanted to spare Jared what he could. Jared had insisted on buying the casket Jensen was being buried in. Using his savings. Tom had pitched in some of his own money when Jared was out of the funeral director’s office. Jared did not need to spend all his college savings. Tom was not going to tell Jared that though. Tom helped his grandmother to stand, surprised when she took a white rose from the bouquet she had purchased, placing it gently to the casket top. Her aged, soft as silk hand touched the lid of the casket before she kissed Jared’s cheek, allowing herself to be led away.**

**Chad moved to stand a good distance away, giving Jared some privacy but not letting his friend out of his sight. Honestly, Chad feared for Jared. He worried. Jared had never looked so broken. How could someone look so tall but small at the same time? Fragile. Nothing had ever cut Jared so deep. Chad saw the sergeant standing with Jared, their dark heads bent close together over the fallen soldier’s grave.**

**“Jared.” Jeffrey spoke with a gentleness that belied the roughness of his voice. “I wanted you to have these. I believe Jensen would have wanted them to come to you.”**

**Jared was shocked to feel two flat pieces of metal press to his palm , his hand convulsively closing around the chain and dog tags. He could not speak.**

**Jeff hugged the boy, wishing he could take some of the hurt from Jared. He would. The boy was so wrecked.**

**“It might be dirty pool for me to say this to you, Jared, but I’m going to say it anyway. Jensen was a soldier. He never wanted to die but he did. He still had some life in him, still does. It’s you. You are his life. What is left of him. His memory. So you do him proud. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t lie down and stop living either. It’s not easy. It is never easy. If you only do what’s right when it’s easy then maybe you never do right at all. I know it hurts. Just do little steps until you can take big ones, but don’t stop. Whatever he told you was important and good, still is.”**

**Jared’s ravaged eyes turned to Jeff’s. He pressed his lips tightly together and nodded. He could imagine how Jensen would react to how he was right now. Jensen would be frustrated. Kicking him. Telling him to get his ass back to school. Jared had surprised Tom that morning by being freshly shaved, showered and dressed before having to be thrown into the bath. It wasn’t easy either. Dressing to bury the person you love? Never easy.**

**“I’ll try.”**

**The words were hard to say, but he meant it. If only a little, he meant it.**

**“You ever need to talk…about anything, and I mean it, Jared. You have my number. I hope you use it. You take care.”**

**Once he was alone, Jared looked down to the long gleaming black box holding Jensen. He crouched down beside the casket and took out the poem, reading it softly to Jensen.**

**“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,**

**Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,**

**Silence the pianos and with muffled drum**

**Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.**

**Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead**

**Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.**

**Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,**

**Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.**

**He was my North, my South, my East and West,**

**My working week and my Sunday rest,**

**My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;**

**I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.**

**The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,**

**Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,**

**Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;**

**For nothing now can ever come to any good.”**

**He took the poem then, wrapping it around a white rose to drop into the ready grave covered by tarp.**

**“Jensen… I will… love you forever. Forever. I won’t be away forever. Soon… it’ll be us. But I know what you wouldn’t want. I know. So I’m stickin it out. I don’t want to. I just about cain’t… but I will. I promise. I love you.”**

**Jared leaned down and kissed the cool slickness of the casket before he stood, walking away from the remains of his lover.  
**


	12. Chapter 12

  
Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

 

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

 

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

 

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

 

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

 

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

 

(Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt)  
  
 **He was brought out of a restless sleep by a tap to his boot. Jensen woke up with a start, sitting up fast enough that the man standing over him backed up quickly, gun raising instinctively. Jensen ignored the semi-automatic pointed at him. He was used to it. It did not catch his attention any more, even if the stock was jammed into his shoulder, side or hip. The worst they could do was shoot him. They would not bother torturing him because then he would be useless. He blearily looked at the guard.**

**“Breakfast time?”**

**The man barely cracked a smile as he threw a clean shirt at Jensen. He unlocked the handcuff on Jensen’s wrist, seeing the bruising was still there. New bruises. Jensen had not yet stopped fighting the cuff in his sleep.**

**“Men needing help.”**

**Jensen got out of the army cot he slept on and pulled on the fresh shirt. He was a captive here and the men were rough- but they were not monsters. He did what was asked of him and they fed him. Let him sleep. It could have been worse. He recognized that fact even as he constantly thought of ways to escape. Once he trusted his ankle, he had tried just running out, earning a beating for his first such infraction to educate him. Subsequent efforts had been thwarted with ‘reminders’ to tender parts of his anatomy. Still, he was aware of small kindnesses. A bed to sleep in, a room to himself, water to bathe. Toiletries. Clean food and water. These were amenities not everyone enjoyed right now.**

**If he did not have anything else to go home to, Jensen thought sometimes he might be able to accept this. People were people. Whoever he was helping it did not lessen the experience for him. He felt if another human was bleeding, you mended the wound. If they were thirsty, you gave them water. It was not about the color of skin. Or their religious creed. He followed his guard from the room, out to the triage area. The building was once a hotel and now it was a private home. A base camp really. The opulence of his surroundings was dramatically contrasted by the rows of wounded men. Some younger than himself. Most not as well trained. They were locals, students, farmers, businessmen. Some were soldiers, but most were not.**

**Jensen started working on the men in the most need, seeing some wounds that spoke clearly that the afflicted would not last the night or survive a surgery. Those that could not be saved he passed over. He saw the resignation in the eyes of the dying. They did not beg or plead. They merely waited, some able to sleep their last hours away. Jensen was past the point of counting how many died. He just focused on saving the ones he could. Removing bullets, checking burns, resetting bones. He worked methodically, washing his hands until countless bowls of pink water were dumped and refilled for him.**

**When his arms and back ached, Jensen checked over the room and met the eyes of the man currently guarding him. He signaled he was ready to eat. Needed a smoke. Shortly, Jensen was back in his bedroom, sitting on his cot, eating food he didn’t recognize. All he needed to know was that it was food. He was pretty sure it was goat. But he didn’t want to ask and set anyone off. He had a cigarette from the guard and then was allowed to use the restroom. Jensen took the time to clean his face, neck and hands before he was taken back to his duties. His place here was clean cut. He was there to tend any refugees or rebels brought into the spacious home. It was understood that it was better if he did not speak. Especially appreciated if he kept his eyes lowered and went where he was told. He had to tell himself it was not going to be where he died. He was not stuck here forever. Someday, some night they would lose track of him. He would see an opening and take it. Even if it meant a beat down, he would try.**

**His skills had improved with the high tension situation and constant demand. Jensen had to hone what he had learned, move faster, make quicker decisions. He was not blamed for the ones he lost when it was seen how hard he tried. There was not a lot he could do about it if his captors decided to take him out back and perforate him. He did not let the threat hanging over his head keep him from saving who he could. Maybe he should have cracked up by now or tried to sabotage the makeshift hospital- but it was not in him to do something like that. As long as people were lain out in front of him, Jensen did his best by them.**

**It was almost a year before he had a clear cut chance to escape. To even attempt it. Mortar rounds. He would know that sound anywhere. Fighting had broken out in the streets, once fine shop windows were blasted out from pressure as bombs detonated around the town square. Jensen had no idea who was attacking who, but it sounded dangerously like a local squabble. The voices raised in anger were not American or Allies. He looked down at the man he had been sewing up and swiftly finished. He saw how the man looked at him. Aware. It must be written all over his face, Jensen realized. But the patient said nothing. He did not alert the guard standing with his back to Jensen, peering out through the shuttered window. None of the patients sounded the alarm vocally when Jensen locked a stranglehold on the armed man, dragging him back. Jensen held on with all he had until the heaving and bucking man went slack in his arms. Dropping the unconscious guard, Jensen rolled him under one of the beds, taking his money, gun and knives and cigarettes.. All was fair in love and war. Jensen secreted away the money and knives, the smokes too. He looked around the room one last time before he was out of there. The din outside was deafening. The put-put-put of artillery, taking chunks of wall away, obliterating bodies. The screams and blaring horns of cars. People trying to escape the mindless massacre. Jensen did not know the details. What had caused the sudden outbreak. He didn’t *need* to know. He just needed to get the hell out of there.**

**Getting out of the building was not the hard part. Not getting shot was the hard part. Jensen kept in motion. A moving target. He ran in straight bursts, using broken down vehicles and destroyed buildings to shield his body. He stepped over the dead nimbly, quick as a cat in his hurry. He could not be found. Could not go back. He would be tucked into some hole in the ground prison or kept chained to whatever bed he had a patient in if they caught him again. Maybe something worse. Cut off a pinky, brand him. He had a slew of ideas come to mind and he was no expert at enslaving anyone. He knew his best bet was to get out of the city and hump it to the nearest friendly face he could find. He did not have enough cash to buy help. Nothing would stop a local from taking his money and turning him over just as quick.**

**Crouched in a hollowed out house, Jensen allowed himself a cigarette to calm himself down. He was so close. He felt the strain of all the running, dodging and hiding. His muscles had gotten a little lazy in captivity. But he was not discouraged. He was outside. On his own. He heard the cacophony growing behind him and knew the fighting was growing more personal. More one on one time. He had to go now. He booked it out of there. He ran until he couldn’t see buildings any more. Exhausted, he was limping with fatigue when night fell. He looked around for a place to sleep and saw nothing promising. He could not lay out in the open for more reasons than fear of discovery. Jensen kept putting one foot in front of the other, doggedly. He had no idea where he had been or where he was going, but he knew to keep keeping on.**

**For all his internal pep talks, Jensen could not walk all the way to Kuwait. He eventually dropped and then crawled over to sleep behind a school bus on its side. He tried not to think about the piles of clothing and other trash around him. He wanted to believe it was just cast offs from fleeing refugees. Not sand and wind decimated bodies.**

**When the sun rose and made it too hot to sleep, Jensen struck out again. Without water, he was not sure how long he would last. There just had not been time to gather supplies. He felt his skin burning and peeling, his lips chapped and split. His random thoughts were a lot funnier now. Great. He was cracking up. He knew he was. He was giggling and feeling like he was a rotisserie chicken at the same time. Mmm chicken.**

**The glare in the distance hurt his eyes but Jensen could not be bothered to hide again. If they came to shoot him? Fine. If they wanted to run him over? Whatever. But the metallic gleam was not firing on him. The Hummer was coming closer and Jensen stopped walking. He saw the vehicle. The people in tan camo. He stared at the flittering ragged edged American flag that was hanging from the driver’s side mirror. Jensen sat down in the sand, just waiting. If he was hallucinating, this wasn’t half bad.**

**The Hummer stopped five feet from Jensen and men cautiously got out. He looked back at them, seeing the moment they got it that he was American. Then feet were pounding over the sand towards him. A canteen was pressed to his mouth. Jensen drank sparingly, not wanting to get sick. He was half carried to the Humvee and settled into the back. Questions came. So many questions. He could not possibly keep up with everything he was being asked. Fuck it, Jensen decided, he was not going to try. They could discuss him while he got some shut-eye. He closed his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly.**

**Jensen was taken into the medical tent right away. The medics, doctor and three nurses there checked him over, seeing his sun burn and dehydration were taken care of. The bruising on his wrist raised a few brows. It was obvious he had been detained. Chained or cuffed. The M.P.s wanted to question the strange young man found in the desert but they had to wait. Exhaustion came first.**

**Regaining consciousness, Jensen asked for food. He accepted a regulation meal instead. He ate while telling the military police who the hell he was. Giving them his numbers, his whole life story if they wanted it. He told them where he had been. What he had done in captivity. The questions then took a new turn. He was asked about faces he had never seen and strategies he had never heard. Jensen tried to make them understand all he had been doing was giving medical care. After five days of intensive questioning, they decided he was not privy to any plans they needed to know about.**

**It would be another week before Jensen could finally speak to his own commanding officer. From there on out, he was getting back on his feet. He had served his damned allotted time promised to the Army, even if it was broken up by being imprisoned. The C.O. agreed, but bureaucracy being what it was ‘these things take time’. Jensen was not going to just be handed a ticket home. He had to wait to be reviewed. In the midst of all of this fanfare, Jensen received word he had a phone call. From the United States. Gatlin, Texas. He rushed to the communications area and took the phone, feeling like Fate might be turning in his favor. Gripping the phone, he said, “Hello?”**

**“Jensen Ross Ackles?”**

**Jensen did not know the voice and his excitement dropped. Then again, it was not like he had given Jared a reason to call him. To remember someone dead, afterall. Jared was probably unaware Jensen lived- and if he DID know, what would that mean?**

**“Yeah. Yes. This is he. And you are?”**

**“Thank God.”**

**The two words were so heartfelt that Jensen was taken aback, but the voice on the other end wasn’t done yet.**

**“I’m Sergeant Jeffrey Morgan, son. I know a friend of yours. Jared. He… he is going to be real happy to know you’re alive.”**

**“How is he? How’s he doing?” Jensen could not hide the desperate tinge to his voice. The need to know. Jared had sought out the sergeant? Morgan. Jensen remembered now. Morgan worked at the recruitment facility. That seemed ages ago.**

**“He’s… he’ll be a sight better once he hears about you. I called as soon as I got the email you had been found. You were reported deceased, Jensen. They tell you that? You are like a really tall newborn, boy.”**

**“Clean record?” Jensen queried, getting a soft laugh from Morgan.**

**“Yes.” Jeff waited a moment. “Do you want me to tell Jared? Or do you want to?”**

**“I want to come home.” Jensen said the words succinctly. He had things to take care of. A life. Jared. He was fed the fuck up with being here now.**

**“You will be. I talked to your C.O. You’re coming home, Jensen. Next flight out. It’s been arranged. I can pick you up at the airport myself. About Jared…”**

**“I will tell him myself. I don’t want him hearing anything til my feet are firmly on American soil. He doesn’t need to deal with this shit twice.”**

**Morgan nodded, he could not see Jensen’s face but he could imagine the strain riding the young man. There was no halfway point in how Jensen desired all that he had left behind. All or nothing.**

**“Then I’ll see you at the airport. Job well done, soldier.”**

**“Thank you, sir.” Jensen murmured the words, thinking of the moment he could see Jared again, nothing else touching him now.  
**


	13. Chapter 13

  
Well, you're my friend and can you see,

Many times we've been out drinkin',

Many times we've shared our thoughts,

But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got?

 

Well, you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know.

And you know I have a drive to live, I won't let go.

Can you see this opposition comes risin' up sometimes.

That its dreadful imposition, comes blacking through my mind.

 

And that I see a darkness.

And that I see a darkness.

And that I see a darkness.

Did you know how much I love you?

Is a hope that somehow you,

Can save me from this darkness.

 

Well, I hope that someday, buddy, we have peace in our lives.

Together or apart, alone or with our wives.

And we can stop our whoring and pull the smiles inside.

And light it up forever and never go to sleep.

My best unbeaten brother, this isn't all I see.

 

Oh, no, I see a darkness.

Oh, no, I see a darkness.

Oh, no, I see a darkness.

Oh, no, I see a darkness.

Did you know how much I love you?

Is a hope that somehow you,

Can save me from this darkness.

 

(I See A Darkness- Johnny Cash)  
  
 **Jared had believed that burying Jensen would be the hardest thing he ever had to do. In actuality, walking away from the grave and living his life was a whole other momentous challenge. He spent the first few weeks sleeping heavily, stumbling like a somnambulant through the days that bled into nights. He had promised himself and Jensen he would *try*. Try to make good on the promises and plans made. School. College. A future. Before, in his minds-eye, Jared would picture the future as a place of so many opportunities. There were new faces there and some friends and family. Experiences yet to be. Washed in color, the ‘future’ had lulled Jared past his parents’ divorce, giving some padding to his bruised sense of how things should be. Parents. Siblings. School. Friends. First love.**

**After a month had passed blearily by, Jared returned to school. He made up all of his work and his absence was excused. He did not know or care what his grams told the high school principal and guidance counselors. Jared just wanted to do his work and be left alone. He was not going to have Jensen frowning at him from the other side, wondering why he could not keep his word. Jensen had been blown apart and crushed. Jared could do a few damned exams.**

**It was not easy. Jared still felt as if his skin was peeled away down to the nerves, leaving every receptor open, over-sensitized. He knew when Chad or Tom worried and made an effort to reassure them. When his grams pressed him to see a therapist, to ‘talk to somebody’, Jared began going to visit Sgt. Morgan. He found a strange sense of father-son with the older man. He told Jeff everything. From that first meeting up until Jensen was …gone. Jeffrey listened and did not interrupt. He did not stop Jared even once, seeing the need for catharsis. Jared had a wound deep inside of him , needing to be lanced, the venom drained. Jeff sat beside the boy as Jared stumbled his way through his time with Jensen. Jared told Jeff of how he loved Jensen. Would always love Jensen, wondering aloud how anyone could ever compare.**

**“Maybe…” Jeff said quietly, a few hours and many cups of coffee later. “You aren’t supposed to replace someone special to you. You quit looking to do that. You let that person have their place in your heart and accept that they own it, the place they take. It cannot be switched out or given again. It’s done. Then, you stop seeing their face everywhere you go. You don’t hear them like they’re in the next room and if you just walk fast enough, believe enough…they’ll be there…”**

**Jared blinked moisture from his eyes, looking intently at Jeff’s face. Those so knowing eyes full of compassion and endless empathy, Jeff seemed to be able to pull words right out of Jared’s innermost heart.**

**“You lost someone, Jeff.”**

**The older man nodded, taking a long drink of his coffee. He held the mug between his calloused hands.**

**“A long time ago. But not long at all. That’s how it works. Some moments are so good they defy space and time. You remember it as clear as if it happened five minutes ago. I lost my wife. She died…after battling cancer for five years. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of her. Miss her. When she gave her last breath I was right there. I felt like I had failed her, letting death take her. Like I should have thought of something. I lost my mind. I couldn’t deal with it, kept fighting after everyone else was packing up to go home. I’m not saying it’s the same as what’s happened to you… I hate when people play that game. The ‘my shit’s sadder than yours’ card? I don’t do that. But I saw in your eyes at the funeral that you were in a real bad place. I was scared for you. I didn’t want you doing anything crazy. Hurting yourself.”**

**Jared did not argue Jeff’s concerns. He had not wanted to live without Jensen. If he had been more selfish, Jared would have told himself Jensen needed him. That he had to go to Jensen. But Jared knew better. Jensen would have been livid if Jared killed himself. No ifs, ands or buts about it.**

**“I thought about it, but it wasn’t right. I did my best to keep it together, not day by day…morelike minute by minute and then hour by hour. Day by day. Little steps, like you said. I don’t have peace with his death. I expect I never will. I just have some peace with me bein alive. Crazy, huh?”**

**“No. It’s not crazy. You’re doing well, Jared. You’ve grown up this past year more than you should have. I don’t know how much you’ve told your family about yourself and Jensen…”**

**“I told them he was my friend. He died. Maybe that ain’t fair of me to cut my parents and all out of the details but…Jeff? Honestly? If I told them and they said one bad word about it? About Jensen? I might never be able to forgive them. It scares me how deep that anger could get if I had to defend what I feel. Who he was to me. They cain’t have a piece of it. I don’t trust them enough to try. Sometimes I feel I’m protectin them by keeping it to myself. That way they can’t fuck it up and I don’t have to hate’em for it.”**

**Jared rubbed over his sore eyes, swollen from crying. He was not sure his reasoning was sound or logical, but it was true. Sometimes ‘true’ trumped nice or positive. He rested his chin to his palm. When he spoke again, his voice was lower, a tone bled of all artifice or shields.**

**“Do you ever dream about your wife, Jeff? I have all these dreams about Jensen. I dream I walk into the room and there he is. Doin normal things. Watchin t.v. or eatin. Just hangin out on the couch, smiling at me and he starts talkin and I realize in my dream, somehow I know…Jen doesn’t know he died. Some dreams, he doesn’t know. I know, still, even when I tell myself I might’ve been wrong. Maybe I had a bad dream and just thought he was gone. When he’s in front of me I’m willin to forget I know better. I will sit down with him, hold his hand, kiss him, talk to him… for as long as he’s there. I can have him in those dreams if I am real careful not to wake up or let him slip away. Sometimes though…he knows. I see it in his eyes that he knows but we’re just not sayin it. We’re pretendin together that everything’s fine. That we could be happy.”**

**Jeff pulled Jared into a hug, holding the young man and slightly rocking him. Jared took the comfort, letting himself relax and just fucking cry if he had to cry. Jeff never told him to calm down or to not ‘do this to himself’. Jeff just let him be.**

**“Jared?”**

**“Yeah…??”**

**“I dream too.”**

**Jeff said it gently, imparting a closely guarded, private piece of himself. “What else are dreams for….if not to have moments where we can have what we want?”**

**Jared did not reply. He didn’t have to. They both knew the answer already.**

**_________________________________________________________**

**Even though the boy was trying, Jeff was not relieved of worry. It could have been because Jared *was* trying so hard. It was obvious, the pain inside of him. The loss. Jared did not date. Hell, Jeff never even saw Jared’s eyes wander. Boys. Girls. Nothing. Plenty gave Jared signals and they were all ignored effortlessly. Jared did not play coy. He didn’t play at all. He was on lockdown. Jeff was not about to broach the topic either. He could not see himself telling Jared to get out there and meet someone. The boy was sixteen now. If he wanted to focus on school, then so be it. Jeff knew Jared was carrying a large workload doing preparatory classes to get into better programs once he graduated high school. Stripped of the desire to do much else, Jared threw himself into his schooling and it resulted in several top universities beginning to court him. Scholarships were offered, grants given. Jared still had not decided whether or not to accelerate his credits to graduate early. He could, but he was almost afraid.**

**At least high school was a shell. He knew what to expect. Down to the last bitchy cheerleader or arrogant letterman. There were not many surprises. If anything high school kids seemed to go out of their way to be sure to represent every clichéd archetype they could grind out. He was not sure where he fell in the scheme of things. He was the quiet one. Tall. Made good grades. Swim team captain. Never dated. Lived with his grandma. None of those details came from Jared. He saw high school as being a stepping stone. A means to an end. He was keeping his word. He was making Jensen proud. If he was flirted with, he apologized with only his eyes before cutting the advances short by walking away. Making excuses, if need be, to go somewhere else, alone.**

**Jared just did not feel he had his heart to give. Who would he be seeing when he closed his eyes to kiss another mouth? Who would he wish for? Was that fair to do to someone else that wanted *their* first love or someone to care about *them*? Jared did not think so. He was all too aware of how easy it could be to fall in love with someone that struck a chord inside of you. He could not offer up his own feelings the same way. What could he say? ‘I like you too, but you should know, I love someone else. He’s never coming back, but I love him. You will never be able to mean as much to me.’ That would bring lovers a-runnin in droves. Faced with his own dilemmas and concerns over such intimacy, Jared chose to avoid it altogether. He could worry about it when he wasn’t so busy. Right now? He could just make his grades, do his extracurricular crap and work at the diner. Surely that was enough.**

**____________________________________________________**

**He was stretched out on the sofa, face down on his belly. Jared wished he was asleep. That would make the room stop rocking in such an alarming fashion. For some reason, he had come to this party with Chad. Mostly because Chad begged and Jared relented- watching him study was not exactly stimulating for Chad. They were best friends. He could get off his ‘fogey ass’ and hang out with people his own age. All of Chad’s pleas had finally turned the tide, bringing Jared to this moment.**

**He only had one shoe on. Pretty sure the other one was in the pool downstairs. He was not relishing fishing it out and putting it back on. Could be a better plan to throw his other shoe in and just watch for sharp rocks on the way back to his truck. His truck was nice too. Gift from his mom and dad for all his achievements at school. Jared liked the stocky red Ford truck. He didn’t even mind taking Megan to school. First thing he did with his new truck was go by his brother’s place and get his dogs back. He built them a nice kennel behind his grams’ house. These days, his grams was hard-pressed to tell Jared no to much. Despite her cat populace and dislike of dogs, Jared’s dogs were allowed. He didn’t even have to keep them chained.**

**There were some good things to be had in life, he drunkenly pondered. Cept for tequila. Never should have let himself be dared into drinking. So much. He wanted to be unconscious now. How horrible and bottom of the barrel to be considering that vomiting might *improve* how you felt. Jared attempted to just stay very still instead. Ride out the see-sawing couch. He was doing pretty good too. Had not been bucked off yet.**

**He felt compression on the sofa and knew someone was sitting right by his prone legs. Jared mumbled from his place of equilibrium.**

**“What…do you want…Chad? Don’t move the couch. For us both, don’t move the couch.”**

**“It’s not Chad.”**

**A shy masculine voice informed Jared of his mistake. Hesitantly, the boy looked down as Jared painfully turned his head, hazel eyes narrowed on Not-Chad. Jared recognized Mike Rosenbaum. Computer Club. Student president. Honors, just like Jared. Nice eyes. Smart. Never picked on anybody that wasn’t smart enough to fight back.**

**“Mike. Sorry. Thought…mmmrr…” Jared’s last word was eaten by a throw pillow as he burrowed his face to it.**

**“It’s okay. Chad’s in the pool. You need him?”**

**Mike saw Jared lift one beautiful hand and do the universal no wave. The ‘don’t bother’ wave. Mike thought Jared made the gesture look sexy. He thought Jared made a lot of things sexy. Even Computer Club. The way the dark curls framed Jared’s neck and ears? Mike found himself drawing swirls over his notebook paper, mimicking the perfect curls again and again.**

**“There was something I wanted to ask you, Jared. If you don’t…you know… mind. I… I mean, that is we…we’ve known each other since grade school.”**

**Mike heard assent from Jared. That was mildly encouraging. Plus, like this, he could stare at Jared’s backside in his Levis. Sit close enough to touch Jared. As if he would ever dare.**

**“The thing is, I wanted to know if you maybe ever would want to go do something. With me. Us. Just us. Not as a group. Not for school. You said the other day you like movies. We could go see one. My treat.”**

**Jared slowly turned his head and barely opened his painful eyes. He looked carefully at all three Mikes he saw taking turns overlapping each other.**

**“Like a date?”**

**Mike smiled nervously at Jared’s whispered question. He blushed, running a hand over his neck and then across his closely shaved head.**

**“Yeah.”**

**Jared’s eyes were sharper now.**

**“Why the hell would you want that, Mikey? You know a lot of nice people. Pretty ones. Like…-”**

**“Jared. You are the nicest person I know. The prettiest too. You don’t see it.”**

**Mike wanted to bite his tongue, hearing himself talk like that.**

**“Just one date? See if maybe there’s someth-…”**

**“I can’t. Can’t Mike. Sorry. I am really fucked up. Not just right now from drinkin either. All the time. You cain’t be dealin with that. You need to ask someone else.”**

**Jared spoke with utter finality, despite having to close his eyes to ward of dizziness. He liked Mike too well to date him. Or lead him on.**

**“Jared, we could go as friends…”**

**“No. I cain’t. I don’t want to talk about why, but trust me, you’re better off. I’m sorry, Mike. You’re real nice. If I was goin to, with somebody, I’d date you. I’d say yes. But I ain’t. That’s all there is to it.”**

**Jared tried to be gentle, but he didn’t want to leave room for doubt.**

**Mike cleared his throat and stood. “Okay then. If you ever change your mind, the offer still stands, Jared. Just think about it, will you?”**

**After Mike left him alone, Jared pictured Jensen in his mind’s eye telling him he could have gone to a movie. Could have at least done that. Jared hugged a pillow to his chest. He whispered back to the green eyed angel in his head.**

**“Cain’t even think about it. Just makes it worse.”**

**The next week of school, Jared noticed Mike paying more attention to him. Now he had to wonder if Mike had been extra nice all along and he had just missed it. Mike kept dropping in at the Shanty which drew Tom's attention.**

**"You could throw the kid a bone you know."**

**Tom's words were said in all innocence but Jared still gave him a measuring look that suffused Tom's face with color.**

**"You know what I mean."**

**Jared smiled over his cousin's blush and shrugged. He was bussing tables and getting ready to put all the chairs upside down on the cleaned surfaces.**

**"I know what you mean and the answer's 'no'. I ain't ready. I'm busy. I have other things to do."**

**"That's quite a list you got going, cuz." Tom wiped down the front window, still managing to give Jared the Look.**

**"I believe in bein prepared. Even for avoidin you thinkin to meddle in my lovelife. Which doesn't exist. By my choice."**

**Jared knew his cousin meant well but he was not going to string Mike along. Was not going to happen.**

**"You should just *think* about it..."**

**"How soon would you be datin if you lost Sophia?" Jared asked softly. Seeing Tom's pained look, Jared shrugged. "Let's talk about somethin else."**

**And so they did.  
**


	14. Chapter 14

  
when i first held you was cold

a melting snowman i was told

but there was no one there to hold 

before i swore that i would be alone for ever more

wow look at you now

flowers in the window

it's such a lovely day

and i'm glad you feel the same

cos to stand up

out in the crowd

you are one in a million

and i love you so let's watch the flowers grow

there is no reason to feel bad

but there are many seasons to feel glad sad mad

it's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold

but i am here to help you with the load

wow look at you now

flowers in the window

it's such a lovely day and i'm glad you feel the same

cos to stand up

out in the crowd

you are one in a million

and i love you so let's watch the flowers grow

so now we're here and now is fine

so far away from there and there is time time time

to plant new seeds and watch them grow 

so there'll be flowers in the window when we go

 

(Flowers In The Window- Travis)  
  
 **Jeff sat in his living room, hands laced together, arms over his knees as he leaned forward. The couch was comfortable enough, but he was not thinking to relax. He was listening to the sound of the shower running in the bathroom. Jeff wanted to be sure that if he was needed, he would hear it. If there was a panic attack or flash of disorientation, it would not be drowned out under meaningless television. You just never knew. It was a shock to the system to be taken from one extreme to another. Introduced back into a life that had become foreign to you even as the surreal became your stomping grounds.**

**He felt as if he was holding onto a secret bigger than himself. There was no right way to do this. The wrong had been so vast that any reparations would be demanding. Possibly fall short. There was no way to say. Right now Jeff was hoping that maybe there was a chance to salvage here. A broken heart could be mended by the right hands. The most knowing hands. He heard the water cut off and then quiet. Minutes later, the door opened and soft footsteps were coming down the hallway.**

**Jensen stood framed with the light from the bathroom hitting him from behind. He rubbed a towel over his hair, longer now from having been left alone since his escape and rescue. His dark gold tresses fell to frame high cheekbones and make his emerald eyes seem even sharper. He wore an old t-shirt of Jeff’s, the Grateful Dead, which Jensen chose with a wry smile from the closet. Sweatpants that barely hung on were also borrowed.**

**Jeff understood. Completely. Jensen didn’t want to wear anything regulation. Not a single stitch.**

**“Feel better?” Jeff asked kindly.**

**“Yeah.” Jensen nodded to the older man. “You don’t even know how much. Let me go hang this up…-”**

**“Jensen?”**

**“Yes, sir?”**

**“You don’t have to call me ‘sir’. But you can go ahead and throw the towel on the floor.”**

**“What?”**

**“Throw the towel on the floor.” Jeff turned on the television, finding a basketball game before tossing the remote to the coffee table. “You’ll feel better after you do it.”**

**Eyeing Jeff like he might have a screw loose, Jensen finally smiled. He wadded the wet towel up in his hands and lobbed it into the corner. Seeing the crumpled mess, Jensen had to laugh a little.**

**“That’s kinda nice.”**

**Jeff plucked a paper bucket from the tabletop.**

**“This is even better.”**

**“That’s…KFC? Friend chicken?” Jensen felt his mouth flood with saliva. He wanted deep fried badness right now.**

**“With extra heart complications. Dig in. Have a beer. Watch the game.”**

**Jeff’s prescription for Jensen had the newly returned soldier eating and drinking in little time. Jensen tore apart a chicken breast, eating it and then reminding himself to taste it. He was not being timed any more. He could slow down.**

**“I wanted to thank you. For coming to get me, Jeff. You didn’t have to do that.”**

**“You don’t think so?”**

**Jeff flashed his fathomless eyes to Jensen.**

**“Jensen, if I hadn’t gone to get you I’d never forgive myself. I don’t think you even know how strange it is for me to see you. I feel like I know you and before you left for Iraq we barely spoke. I knew you as a name on a roster. Role call. Head count. Not as anything else.”**

**“What am I now? Who?” Jensen drank from his beer, knowing this was about Jared somehow. He felt it.**

**“You’re the most important thing that ever happened to a real good friend of mine. After he thought you might have lost his address, Jared came around pestering me until I re-sent it to your C.O. You ever get it?”**

**Jeff’s eyes could be a little unnerving. Jensen smiled a tight line.**

**“I never got it sent to me. I had it though. When I was killed in combat, it must’ve come home with my personal belongings.”**

**“All I got for you was your letters from Jared and your dog tags.” Jeffrey found it more than disconcerting to talk over Jensen’s scant belongings this way. Not the usual to have to chat with someone presumed dead over where their things had gone.**

**“Scavengers. Must’ve taken my bible.”**

**“I didn’t know you were religious.”**

**Jensen looked guilty and then admitted, “Rolling papers.”**

**“What?”**

**“The pages make good rolling papers if you run out. I like to hand-roll my own smokes.”**

**“Jensen?”**

**“Yeah?”**

**“You’re going to hell.”**

**Jeff laughed and Jensen did too. He knew it wasn’t the nicest thing to do but it was damned hard to get hold of things overseas that you were used to having in the States. Besides, he never used pages from the books of the Bible he liked. Revelations, Genesis, Psalms, the Gospels and Proverbs were all intact. That was something, right?**

**“You never wrote him. Why?”**

**“That’s none of your business.” Jensen said the words without bite, but knew them to be true all the same. His reasons and methods were his own concern- and Jared’s, but not Jeff’s. Besides if he dwelled on it too long he started to wonder how close Jeff had been to his Jared. Jeff had apparently spoken at length with Jared to know what he did. Jared would have been so vulnerable. Jensen wanted to see him so desperately it was painful to wait another second. He felt a knot in his stomach from not just going right to Jared’s grandmother’s house and banging on the door until he saw the face he craved.**

**“No, it’s not really my business. Except I care about Jared and…I gave you chicken and beer.”**

**Jensen canted his head, considering telling Jeff what he could do with the chicken and beer bottle. However, he was not completely oblivious to the fact that Jeff had helped speed up his getting to come home. Picked him up at the airport. Gave him a place to crash. Fine, fine. He could give a little here.**

**“He was too young. It wasn’t right.”**

**“Ah.” Jeff nodded. “And now?”**

**“He’s older.” Jensen waited. If Jeff was going to let him have it over the age difference or how he had cut off communication with Jared- well, best to have it out now. While there was some privacy. Shit. Jensen could yell too. He had no worries there.**

**“Yeah, he’s that.”**

**Jeff studied Jensen, seeing the defensive set already there to the younger man’s face and shoulders. No wonder Jared could not see himself with all the nice kids wanting to date him. Couldn’t do with nice. Jeff smiled a little and nudged Jensen’s shoulder with one hand.**

**“Be careful with him. That’s all I ask. He loves you still. Even thinking you’re gone, that kid loves you.”**

**“I know.” Jensen turned anguish-sheened eyes to Jeff. Let him see how deep it went. Jensen had to feel it, might as well show it. “I had him in my heart the whole time. He’s what kept me alive.”**

**Jeff somberly watched Jensen, seeing the truth etched over Jensen’s pretty face. This was Jared’s match. Jeff could tell that. Jared had been broken but not just within himself- he had been snapped away from his other half.**

**“You want me to call him over tomorrow? Is that how you want to do this? I can bring him here… tell him… gently…and then…”**

**“I wish I knew a hundred percent the best way to do this. To make it better for him.” Jensen whispered the words, anxious over what was to come.**

**“There’s just getting there, Jensen. We got to get there. The how isn’t going to be a piece of cake no matter what we come up with. Might as well pick one crazy plan and go with it.”**

**“Good point.”**

**^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^**

**Jared did not know what to think when he got a call from Jeff asking him to come over. To Jeff’s place. He had to think a minute. Jeff knew he was supposed to work tonight. But if Jeff needed him? They could make do at the restaurant. He was not going to leave Jeff hanging. Jeff had been too good to him. Jared hurriedly showered after swim practice and then he was dressed and out the double gym doors. He half jogged to his truck, not out of real worry but because he liked getting to stretch his legs. He was made to move a little faster and often had to pace himself to whoever he was walking with. At least on his own he could go at his own speed. He tossed his backpack into the passenger side of the front seat, slamming his door. He could go hang out with Jeff for awhile and if things were okay, go into work for the rest of the night. It was something like a plan. Driving across town, Jared had time to listen to the Cure cd he had just bought, really enjoying it. He had thought the music might be depressing or something but actually, it had upbeat moments. He hummed along, not cutting in to sing. Not so much a singer.**

**When he reached Sgt. Morgan’s simple A-frame house, Jared noted Jeff needed to seriously water his lawn. He might do that before he left. Jared parked in the drive. He had to say, he had not gotten over his truck yet. It was a real pleasure to be able to jump in and go whenever he wanted. Wherever. Freedom. He liked to just drive around and sometimes park down by the pier, watching the water until he was quiet inside again. Jared was surprised that Jeff was opening the door before he got to knock. He looked worriedly to the older man, “Everything okay? You alright?”**

**“Jared, come on in…” Jeff smiled to him, one reassuring hand going to Jared’s bicep through his loose denim jacket and damp t-shirt. “I’m fine. Just need to talk to you.”**

**In the guest bedroom, Jensen was standing like a statue. All his best intentions were disintegrating. He heard the truck pull up and then the galloping sound of Jared’s feet hitting the walk, crossing the porch. So damned loud. Like an oversized puppy. Then he was hearing Jared’s voice. Changed but the same. Deeper now, those boyish edges rounded out under a low twang that was … beautiful. Jensen knew Jeff was taking Jared to the living room. To sit him down. Explain there had been a mistake. Ease Jared into seeing Jensen again. Jensen had just not thought about this fiercely gnawing ache tearing down his middle. He had his hand on the doorknob before he even thought it through. A twist of his wrist and he was past the door, gliding down the hall like the ghost he might be mistaken for. He had to see Jared. Had to. There was nothing else.**

**Jeff was just sitting across from Jared when he saw Jensen coming down the shadowed hallway. It would appear there was a new plan. Jared saw Jeff’s eyes fix over his shoulder and turned his head in curiosity.**

**A hard gasp left Jared, making him sound as if he had been punched in the belly, forcing all his needed air out in one rush. He stared at Jensen. Jensen. Flashes of hot and cold ran over Jared and his vision swam even as he was standing up.**

**“JENSEN?! Jensen?”**

**Jensen caught Jared when he swayed alarmingly. Jensen could not just hold Jared’s arms though. He had to wrap his arms fully around Jared, hauling him close. Jared shuddered and then he was clutching Jensen, holding him as if letting go meant spiraling down into a bottomless well.**

**“It’s me, baby. It’s me. Jared… I’m so sorry. Sorry. It’s me…”**

**Jared was crying without knowing it. All of the little world he had built up for himself to be fine, just fine was crackling away like eggshell. He trembled as his hands cupped Jensen’s face. He saw the man he had loved, dreamed of, nearly died for and then amazingly, lived for.**

**“Jensen… you…came back…”**

**Jeff let himself out of the house. He could not stay, not in good conscience. It was too intimate and he felt like an intruder seeing them together that way.**

**Jensen pulled Jared back to the couch and sat with him, managing not to let go of Jared as they sat. Jared burrowed his face to Jensen’s neck and felt Jensen’s fingers pushing through his dark hair, soothingly pressing and stroking the long curls. Jensen rested his lips close to Jared’s ear and whispered to him.**

**“I never meant to leave you like that. I was taken Jared. Taken by rebels…held. They threw my tags on a body that was past all recognition. I wasn’t able to get away for a long time but… I thought of you every day. Every second. I was so scared. For you. I hoped… prayed you would wait for me. Fuck. I feel selfish even saying that…”**

**Jared looked up to Jensen and then he was sliding over Jensen’s lap, straddling him. He drove his mouth over Jensen’s and was not pushed back or away now. Jensen dug hard fingers into Jared’s hips and held on, opening his mouth for the hot wet tongue demanding entrance. Jensen groaned, surging with hunger so raw it burned. He tugged at Jared’s jacket, peeling it free of Jared’s cooperative arms.**

**He could see the changes in Jared now. Jared’s body was growing past potential and into hot goddamned promise. Jensen felt the planes of Jared’s belly and chest, over his back.**

**“Take it off, Jay…shirt…off…”**

**Jared complied, whipping his shirt off and no sooner was it gone before Jensen was rolling them both, Jared’s back hitting the cushions. Jensen kissed him ravenously, sucking tongue and lips. Jared gasped to the kiss, dying of thirst for Jensen’s taste. Jensen moved his mouth lower though, sucking over the harder line of Jared’s jaw, his tongue raking new stubble. Shockingly hot shadows over Jared’s neck and shoulders drew Jensen’s mouth, his fingertips. Jared writhed and moaned for him, arching up until they were both moving like kindling wanting to spark.**

**“You too…Jensen? Please. Want to see you…”**

**“Anything.”**

**Jensen stripped off his shirt, letting it join Jared’s. He paused, looking down at Jared, savoring the sight of him but someone was not having that. Jared seized the back of Jensen’s neck, pulling him down to bite over Jensen’s lips, lapping away the harsh sting before his tongue was sliding slyly into the corner of Jensen’s smile. Jensen moaned at the kiss, taunting as it was. He dropped his hand between Jared’s sprawled legs, getting a hoarse shout for his efforts. He could not seem to slow down or stop.**

**“This for me, baby boy? All for me?”**

**Jared groaned, his head going back as he was being handled hard and fast through too tight denim. He rode to Jensen’s hand, panting.**

**“Yes, Jensen… yes. Just you. Please…”**

**“Can’t wait…”**

**Jensen said it like an apology but Jared did not need to be told. Jared unsnapped his jeans himself, tugging down the zipper. His long cock was rising from the twist of his cotton boxers, not contained as Jared had writhed under Jensen for more.**

**“Oooh..shit… so pretty, Jared… you have such a hot cock, baby…”**

**Jensen moved down and heard the softest yelps from Jared as he took hold of Jared’s knees, pushing his legs open wide to fit between them. Jensen’s head descended and he was stroking the musky tip of Jared over his full lips, letting them catch to the weeping slit. Jensen licked the essence leaking from Jared and loved the begging gasps. He blew soft puffs of air over Jared’s needy glans before tracing his tongue over the crown, sucking it into his mouth like a bite size candy he was going to melt with determination. Feel it slowly give over his tongue and drip down his throat.**

**Jared could hardly keep his eyes open as he was being explored . For the first time in his life he was being licked and sucked. Touched how he had needed to be. He reached down and pushed at his jeans, edging them down to give Jensen more. His hands were shaking so badly he feared looking like the amateur he was.**

**“Don’t stop, Jensen…please don’t stop…”**

**In answer, Jensen sucked Jared deeper. He wanted to give Jared the pleasure the boy had given him in every dream and fantasy. Each wish carved of this reality. Jensen devoted himself to the cock in his mouth, his lips sliding over the veins rising hot with blood around Jared’s amazing cock. Taking the length to his throat and testing his own limits, giving Jared more of his face to fuck. He felt Jared’s fingers grappling in his hair, hissing at the pulling. Felt so good. Jensen would have urged Jared to pull harder, but could not speak. He was swallowing the sweetest cream being gifted to him as Jared shattered in orgasm.**

**Jared saw stars as his balls drew up dangerously and he knew he was not going to last. Not going to show any control. He grabbed hard at Jensen’s head, pulling more of that hot sucking pressure to his shaft before he was dying the little death. Cumming. Cumming. Jared was not aware that he was being beautifully blown on Jeff’s couch or that he was still bucking to Jensen’s relentless mouth. All he knew was that he was in heaven.**

**Swallowing the thick offering, Jensen slowed his nursing mouth and lifted his lips. He rolled his tongue across the head of Jared’s cock and looked up to heated hazel eyes.**

**“You like that?”**

**Jared laughed weakly, stunned Jensen could even ask. “Let me do you…”**

**“You don’t have to…”**

**“Jensen…get up here and fuckin put it in my goddamned mouth…please.”**

**The please was clearly an afterthought, but it was cute as hell to Jensen. He pushed down the sweatpants he was wearing, kicking them the rest of the way off. He crawled up Jared’s body, watching the play of lust and curiosity over Jared’s face. Jensen knew for a fact this was Jared’s first time. He was practically sitting to Jared’s chest when he whispered.**

**“You haven’t done this before. We could do it nicer for your….-”**

**Jensen’s words were cut off as Jared cupped those big hands over his ass and tilted him forward. Pushing Jensen’s cock past parted lips and into a mouth silken and demanding. Jensen grabbed the back of the couch with one hand, the other holding to Jared’s moving head.**

**“JesusJesus…God…”**

**Jared was not as polished as Jensen in technique but he knew want. He knew a desire that needed to be fed. He slammed his mouth over Jensen, taking it and wanting it. Sucking hard only to swallow and cough around too much. So thick and pressing his throat, not going down as easy as he had imagined. Jared never stopped. He wanted to have Jensen as thoroughly as Jensen had him. Taste him. Have Jensen’s cum in his belly. Jared lashed and whipped his tongue around Jensen, urging him on.**

**Jensen stared down at Jared’s ceaselessly suckling mouth, the lips swollen and slick, dripping messily with spit and precum as Jared scarcely paused to breathe. Holy fuck. The licks were like bolts of electricity touching over his urgent cock but what did Jensen in? The whimpers. The soft whines that rode over his claimed length and drove him over the edge. He cried out a warning, starting to pull back, but Jared’s hands on his ass gripped painfully and there was no being courteous. He came over Jared’s tongue, down his lover’s throat, giving him every drop.**

**Falling back to the couch, Jared panted, sweating and sex-dirty as he licked over his tender mouth. He saw the dazed way Jensen looked down at him and had to laugh. A sharp burst of pure happiness not weighted down with anything else. Joy. Jared pulled Jensen down to him, strong arms winding around the blonde.**

**“Jensen?”**

**“Hm…?”**

**“I love you.”**

**Jensen turned his face to rest his cheek to Jared’s.**

**“Do you know why I couldn’t say it before?”**

**“I know why you didn’t.” Jared countered. He shrugged. “But… I still mean it.”**

**“I know you do.” Jensen cupped Jared’s face in his palm, eyes caressing over every aspect of him. “I love you too. I love you.”**

**The smile that broke over Jared’s face was everything and only Jensen’s. He kissed Jensen softly, still catching his breath. He took stock of their surroundings then and blushed.**

**“You think Jeff has any Fabreeze?”**

**Jensen took a second to figure out that question. He smiled to Jared and did a double take of the room himself.**

**“Yeah… we should…ah… clean this up. I got a bed though. Guest room…”**

**Jared nodded, eyes heating again.**

**“Let’s…clean fast. Fast. Before I forget about it.”  
**


	15. Chapter 15

It should have felt stranger than it did. Jensen being alive. Home. Cleaning up their clothing from around the room. Seeing Jensen right there. Still tasting Jensen on his tongue. Jared wondered if he was supposed to have a breakdown. He thought about it as he pulled his jeans on, leaving them unbuttoned. He was not going to be caught buck-ass naked in the living room. Jeff’s living room. Not that he had cared a few minutes ago, but now with lavender-vanilla Fabreeze coating the air, and Jensen’s cock not in his mouth, Jared was a bit more circumspect. He ran a finger over his lips, feeling how full they were. Reaching into the hip pocket of his jeans, Jared grasped what was shoved deep inside. He pulled free the chain holding Jensen’s dogtags, a silver cross and a small key. Jared slid the chain over his neck and then heard Jensen’s breath catch. He looked over to Jensen, a frown of concern on his face.

 

“Jen?”

 

Jared didn’t know. Jensen could tell Jared had no idea how he looked standing there in just his jeans, the zip and top button left gaping. Showing that ultra flat pane right above the dark shadow of his covered groin. Lithely muscled arms and chest, the wink of his navel. Jensen’s dogtags clacking into place like a brand of ownership. That was how it looked to Jensen. *His* dogtags warn by his puppy-eyed boy. He had trouble talking for a moment, admiring how Jared nervously pushed sweat damp curls from his face. Jensen reminded himself about the guest room. The bed. No need to push Jared right back down onto the aerosol damp couch. 

 

“I didn’t know you got those.”

 

Jensen gestured at the tags. He saw how Jared’s absurdly beautiful tapered fingers stroked the tags, able to tell it was a familiar thing. Jared was used to wearing them, holding them. Right by his heart.

 

“Yeah…from Jeff.” Jared closed his hand around the dogtags, feeling the cross from his grandmother grind to his palm. “I never took them off except when I was swimming. I didn’t want to lose them in the pool.” His eyes moved over Jensen’s face, wondering over the fixed look he was being given. Jensen’s eyes were so damned intense. Maybe seeing the tags was nothing but bad memories. The last things Jensen wanted to see now that he was home and safe. “Is it okay? That I wore’em? You want me to take them off?”

 

“No, I don’t want you to take them off.” 

 

Jensen held his hand out to Jared, just wearing the sweats himself. The shirts, they seemed to silently agree, were just not staying on that long. He grasped Jared’s hand when it slid into his own, pulling Jared close. He needed Jared close. 

 

“You want to come lay down for awhile?”

 

Jared tipped his head to the side. He leaned into Jensen and softly kissed his lips, sharing Jensen’s breath. He was enraptured and he knew it. Completely pulled under and drowning. This bypassed any dream he had had. To be able to touch Jensen. Not waking up alone, empty inside. He felt his eyes tearing even as he coughed to clear his throat. Jared was resolute in keeping it together. He had been falling apart for so long that it had to be time for a change. 

 

“Yeah, I want to. I am wonderin how I’m ever goin to do anything else. I am still wrappin my mind around this. You. Me. I wanted it so bad, Jensen. I thought I had gotten my happiness for my life and I wasn’t getting any more. Knowin you for as long as I did… I figured maybe that was my portion. I couldn’t regret it even when I wanted to die.”

 

“Oh, Jay…” Jensen saw the shimmer of tears in Jared’s eyes and pulled him tighter. “I swear you were why I kept going. All I was heading for. Getting back to. I wanted you too. Always.”

 

Jared obviously had more to say but he moved back instead. Jared kept telling himself not to ruin the moment. He had questions, painful ones- but was that what he wanted Jensen to take away from this? The negative? Jared needed to know why some things had happened but if he could just keep his cool, he might not have to demand all his answers *right now*. Jared nodded towards the hallway. 

 

“You said something about a bed? I think I’d like to save Jeff seein us goin at it. He’s pretty understandin but everyone’s got limits.”

 

A smile curved Jensen’s lips. “Your wish is my command. Back this way.”

 

He led Jared down the hallway, feeling his body readying to fuck Jared into next year. Which was not exactly what Jensen wanted. He wanted to have some ‘real’ time too. Not just the sex, which was it’s own planet of amazing. The things he could do with Jared? The mind boggled with graphic images and Jensen was willing to give it his best effort. He closed the door behind them once they were both in the guest bedroom. The bed looked immensely inviting, just right because it was going to be the bed Jared was lying on naked. Thinking about that, Jensen reached behind him and locked the door. He noticed how Jared’s feline eyes darted to the click and roll of the lock engaging.

 

“Is this okay? Are you alright?”

 

Jared drug his eyes from the sight of Jensen’s hand on the doorknob, slowly looking up his sculpted arm to his chest, neck and finally that sinfully beautiful face. Jared smiled slightly and stared as he was being stared at. The younger man walked backwards and sat to the edge of the bed, right on the corner, long legs v-ing to either side of that corner. 

 

“Just thinkin, is all.”

 

“About?”

 

Moving closer, Jensen crawled onto the bed and moved to sit behind Jared, groin tucked meaningfully to Jared’s denim-ed ass. Jensen slid his bare arms around Jared’s waist, licking the fresh-apple taste of Jared’s nape.

 

Jared squirmed, rubbing himself to Jensen’s interested lap as that lick almost made him forget what he was thinking about. Nothing could be more important than what Jensen wanted to do, right?

 

“Ah… um… sss… Jensssen… cain’t think when you…”

 

“I know, baby…sorry…” 

 

Jensen did not sound sorry. He licked and bit over Jared’s shoulders, loving every wriggle to his hardened phallus. Nice, being slowly rubbed off by Jared’s adorable ass. Better than anything he had imagined. He liked seeing the hints of redness rise when he bit or sucked at Jared’s skin. So pure and responsive. It hurt *not* to touch him.

 

Jared felt like his jeans were his own worst enemy, binding up on him where he was getting hard and long again. He let his head fall back to Jensen’s shoulder, soaking up the attention he had denied himself for so long. Jared just knew he could not have let another man touch him like this without seeing Jensen. Imagining what could have been. Maybe in time he would have been able to move past it and try, but that time need never come now. He had ached for Jensen, the loss devastating at so many levels. He looked down as Jensen’s fingers were tracing over his pecs, finding his copper-hued nipples and strumming them until Jared was lifting and dropping his hips. It felt so good. Hazel eyes flared wide when Jensen plucked at the tight points.

 

“Jensen… stop…for a second…”

 

“Why?” Jensen groaned the word softly, licking into Jared’s ear. He bit over the curls to Jared’s cheek, tugging playfully. “Don’t be afraid, baby. I know it’s your first time…I’ll be careful. So careful. Make you feel good…promise…”

 

Despite feeling like he should shut up and let it happen, Jared pulled away from Jensen. He took some satisfaction from the startled and disappointed sound from Jensen, those verdant eyes scalding hot at being denied.

 

Jared stood in front of Jensen and knew his hard-on was damned obvious. He was not immune to being bitten, teased and sucked on by Jensen. Licking over his lips nervously, Jared shifted his weight from one foot to the other, watching Jensen leaning towards him with predatory intent. Those strong tanned hands reaching for his already undone jeans like it was bought and paid for. Jared caught Jensen’s hands in his and held them tight, pressed over his belly.

 

“Why did you never write me? Why? I need to know. What’d I do… that made it so you didn’t need me any more?”

 

That was unexpected. Jensen was not going to say as much but his thoughts were definitely more geared towards being naked and fucking or fucked until he couldn’t move. Jared wanted to talk. Right now. Jensen moved back on the bed and got more comfortable. He patted the place next to him, seeing Jared’s narrow, suspicious look.

 

“Come on. I promise to be good. Trust me. We can lay here and talk.”

 

Jared conceded and sprawled next to Jensen, rolling onto his side to face him. Jared rested his jaw to his palm, head propped up to keep eye contact.

 

“So tell me. I’ve needed to know for a long time. I deserve to know.”

 

Jensen took a deep breath. He saw the hurt in Jared’s face and knew he had put it there. Doing the best he could be Jared had not spared Jay much pain after all was said and done. He took out his cigarettes, needing one before he said anything. Halfway through his smoke, Jensen started talking.

 

“I didn’t think it was right what I was expecting of you. What I was asking. Telling you we could be friends when we couldn’t really be. I still wanted you. I wanted to have you, Jay. You knew it. Maybe you don’t understand but I saw it all coming crashing down on us. You. Something bad enough that it could have gotten you attention you didn’t want or deserve. I didn’t want anything to stand in the way of your future. Not me or you waiting for me. I mean… Jared… you were fourteen. It’s not like I could take care of you or make you any promises. You didn’t seem to understand that. I wasn’t sure how long we could do what was right if we kept letting it go on between us. Something would have to give. I’m sorry I hurt you. I obviously didn’t know I’d be M.I.A. and reported dead before I could ever explain myself.”

 

He risked looking at Jared’s face and was surprised at the seething temper in those eyes that had been melting for him on the couch. Boiling now.

 

“You were…lettin me go? Is that it? Then what the fuck is THIS? You just change or mind or you tryin to break it to me gently? Severance pay? My partin gift ? Or was I the ‘sure thing‘ in town? That boy that followed you around…couldn‘t take a hint. Yeah, I guess I never said to stop. Wouldn‘t have, huh?”

 

“Jared-…”

 

Jared slapped Jensen’s hand away from him and rolled off the bed. He was buttoning his jeans when Jensen grabbed him and threw him back to the mattress. Over Jared’s harshly indignant sound, Jensen rested his body on top of the boy’s. Jensen took Jared’s wrists and pinned them to the bed, trying his damnedest not to suck that tightness from Jared’s pretty mouth, goad the lips into gasping for him. Jensen steeled himself to keep this fair. He looked down to Jared and vaguely shook his head, green eyes wide and too bright.

 

“No. Jay, you can’t leave me. I wasn’t done explaining. It wasn’t working. I was trying to think of you being happy and having a real life here. Not dating a mailbox. I wasn’t even able to pretend I didn’t WANT you. You see what I’m saying? I was telling myself ‘no’ and still…all my dream were you. Every time I got myself off it was because of you. The minute I was taken… I knew what I was really losing. You. But wanting you, Jared, as bad as I wanted you…wanting did not make it alright to do. Loving you meant wanting to do what was best for you too. Not just myself. I was selfish in how I left without saying anything to you but I was scared. Of what could happen if I saw you again. If we were alone together and I knew I had only a few hours with you before being back there? I didn’t know if I could trust myself and I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t.”

 

Jared looked up to Jensen, all too aware of how Jensen was holding him down. Making him listen. He could see the rolling power of Jensen’s shoulders, the sweet hollow at the base of his throat. Gleaming, strong Jensen. Physically magnetic, and that was enough, but he had a mind to back it up. Jared tried to throw Jensen off of him and wasn’t sure he was disappointed to fail, groaning when Jensen aligned their groins together, pressing Jared down with the weight of his hips.

 

“You coulda said *something*. A letter sayin ‘Dear Jared, I’m a prick that thinks he knows everything and gets to make every decision- but at least I ain’t dead.’ Or something. A postcard. Anything. All I had was silence and then…hearin you were gone. No peace between us. Me thinkin you died without nobody in this world you loved or trusted. I …-”

 

Jensen stopped the words by sliding his mouth over Jared’s, fitting their lips together fervently. He could not bear hearing that Jared carried so much unrequited and unanswerable pain for all this time. It clawed at Jensen’s conscience but he knew, deep down, he had tried to do what was right. He shivered as Jared’s tongue curled around his own, caressing and coaxing, offering his mouth to Jensen like a dessert. Jensen did not refuse. He moaned in a desire that beat through him in a wild tribal rhythm of pulse and heat. 

 

“Jared?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Let me love you. Please. Call me a prick the whole time…but let me…”

 

Jared’s breath stopped as Jensen was undoing his jeans, reaching inside. Jensen’s hand was cupping him, moving lower to palm Jared’s heavy balls. Jared articulated a twisted sound that was both assent and demand. He lifted his hips, feeling an exhilaration in being so…desired.

 

“You want me, Jensen? You want to…fuck me…?”

 

“Ah God…” Jensen’s cock jerked at the words, the way Jared said them like a dare. Jensen pulled his hand away from Jared, chuckling at the protesting ‘uh’ from Jared. “Let’s get our clothes off. Take off anything you want to be able to wear home.”

 

Jared took Jensen at his word and removed his jeans and then his boxers. Jensen wasn’t wearing boxers. Just those sweatpants that were gone so fast. Jared stared at the lifted length of Jensen’s cock, so stunningly red against the honey-bisque of Jensen’s thighs and belly. Jared lay naked on the bed, seeing how Jensen stared over him with equal admiration and curiosity. Jared felt so exposed and started to roll to his side, to shield his body even a little. Jensen cupped Jared’s hip and pressed the younger man flat to the bed. 

 

“Don’t hide, Jay…let me see you… I want to see all of you…”

 

“Okay…just… I never…”

 

“I know.”

 

“Get shy…”

 

“Mmm… I know…it’s okay…” Jensen kissed Jared’s mouth and then moved down to Jared’s so sensitive neck. He bit the skin there, feeling Jared wriggling for him. Good. Jensen wanted it to be good for Jared. Make him know without a doubt that he was the one Jensen lived for. Would keep going for. Jensen pressed his hand to Jared’s hard cock and pushed the full length back, flat to Jared’s belly. Looking down with complete focus, Jensen stroked the head of his shaft down the tight hot-pink underside of Jared’s. The spongy tip leaked a silvery kiss down Jared’s thrumming sex, making the younger man moan plaintively at the sensations. 

 

“Good? You like that? It feels even better than it looks. Painting your cock with mine. Marking you. You know, don’t you, Jay? You know who you belong to?”

 

“Ahhh shit… God…” Jared brought his legs up, bending his knees and bracing his feet to the bed, heels digging in. “Jensen… yours, yours. Fucker. You know it. Please…”

 

“That mouth. I don’t remember you being so foul tongued before.”

 

Jensen said it mildly, if you missed how his breath was stilted. He was just as turned on as Jared was.

 

“I’m yours too, Jared. I love you. I always did…”

 

“I know. Jensen… I don’t want to cum all over myself.”

 

Jared was pleading, eyes heated to almost blackness.

 

“You could cum from this? From just this? Being stroked up and down? Maybe we should see how limber you are. Keep playing with you until you give yourself a pearl necklace…”

 

Was Jensen serious? Jared could not say for sure. Jensen seemed fascinated with the idea of Jared almost cumming on his own face and it burned right through Jared. He had to grit his teeth and clutch the bedding around him to keep from fucking creaming himself. Through his teeth, Jared whispered, “Jensen, don’t… don’t…not like that. I want you. Like you said. Give me what I need…”

 

“Say it.”

“Fuck me.”

 

“Good boy…” Jensen moved off the bed and walked over to his pack, taking out a packet of condoms and some lube. He saw Jared’s sex-shot eyes gazing at him all wide and shocky. “I thought…in case… I mean… “

 

“No condom. I trust you. I just want you…”

 

Jared whispered the words, knowing good and well Jensen brought the things planning to fuck him. Just like that. Jared knew Jensen was right to assume they’d get that far. He never wanted anything so bad before. He knew he had to look a right picture, legs spread and bent, his phallus and ass so vulnerably exposed. 

 

Jensen could have argued to use protection but he was clean. He knew Jared was too and there was no way either of them would be having anyone else. Jensen was not sharing. He was going to make Jared his every way he could. He opened the bottle of lube, slicking up his palm and then smearing his cock thoroughly. He was going to fuck Jared. The growl that left him was no surprise. He went back to his beautiful boy and lifted Jared’s knees, provoking a squeak out of Jay. The squeak turned into a hoarse shout when Jensen was licking into him like that. All tongue and spit, driving deep and making Jared think he was dying. Jensen was not slowing down, groaning into Jared’s slowly giving hole as he felt Jared bucking for him.

 

“Yes, yes, Jen…oh God…cain’t believe… God… fuck me… please fuck me…”

 

Lowering Jared’s legs, Jensen licked over his mouth and smiled evilly to Jared.

 

“I’m going to. Never stopping, Jared… you’ll have all you can take…and then we start all over again…”

 

Jared gasped, his ass being parted by Jensen’s hand and then two fingers delving into him. Slicing to and fro, slick and seeking. Finding that spot. Jared whimpered and edged up at the contact, shivering when Jensen stroked him inside. He panted for breath, seeing Jensen’s smug look at his reaction. Having to save some face, Jared whispered, “Fuck me good, Jensen… make me feel it. Give it to me… you got me ready. Show me.”

 

Their eyes locked, cementing it in Jensen’s mind that it was always just a matter of time. He was meant to have Jared. He would too. There was no going back. He bit his lip, holding back a deep groan as he rubbed the head of his cock over Jared’s tiny opening. Had to give. Jensen pressed forward slow but with sure purpose, wanting to own Jared. Claim him. He glanced down to see his cockhead kissing that star, entering. 

 

“Ah…God, Jay…”

 

Jensen’s free hand gripped Jared’s knee as his other hand was guiding his length into the tense body under him. 

 

“Relax, relax… let me have…ahhh… yes, you’re so hot inside…”

 

Jared gasped sharply, totally transfixed by being penetrated. He had never known there would be this strange pain, but fullness. He could feel the throbbing of Jensen’s cock working into him. He was being fucked. It was amazing and scary at the same time. He didn’t want to do anything wrong, or have it stop. Jared studied Jensen’s face and tried to relax, letting himself unclench.

 

“Is it…is that right? Like that? Is it good?”

 

“The best…you’ve got the best ass… those legs… Wrap your legs around my waist…good…”

 

Jensen was straining to keep going slow, barely moving inside the heated silk clutching him. Urging him to thrust. Every little muscular flutter was teasing over Jensen’s ready cock. He smiled painfully to Jared and rubbed his hand over Jared’s belly, down to his lover’s cock. Jensen grasped Jared and started pumping his fist up and down, mashing his palm to Jared’s cockhead in hasty reward at each pass.

 

“Feel it, Jay?”

 

“Yesssss…” Jared hissed the word and lifted his hips for more, mouth falling open when Jensen thrust into him deep. All he had wanted was here and now. Jensen, with him. Inside of him. But all those fantasies fell short of being slowly thrust into. Jensen rolled his hips, hitting Jared at different points and drinking down the sounds Jared made for him.

 

“Mine…” Jensen whispered, seeing a flush mark Jared’s cheeks and neck. So innocent even being fucked full. Jensen rammed Jared, going harder and making those flickering eyes fly open. “Look at me, Jared… yeah, let me see how you like it… You’re dripping all over my hand. Pretty long cock. You sure you don’t want to taste it? I can rock it right to your mouth… see if you can hit the target…”

 

“Guh… Jen… fuck…you… ahhh… mmm… harder…harder… You want cum on my face so bad…why don’t you… do it…yourself…”

 

Jensen’s eyes blazed at the words and Jared paid the price, getting hammered into. They moved together hard and hot, not slowing their pace until Jared was shaking all over and yelling out. Ropes of hot cum landed across Jared’s belly and chest, some to his jaw. Jensen cursed at the sight and then smiled to Jared, a smile that turned down and became a glare as he started to cum. He pulled free of Jared and then crawled half way up Jared’s prone body, harshly yanking himself. Jared stared in orgasmic haze as Jensen worked himself to a pounding cum, the hot milk splashing over Jared’s mouth, dripping wetly down his chin as he gasped. Jensen bent his head, tongue curling to lap up his thick mess, kissing it into Jared’s panting mouth. Jared was dazed, being tongue fed Jensen’s cream and sucking it down hungrily. Jensen licked over Jared’s face, sharing it all between them as they came down slowly from their first time. 

 

Jared finally caught his breath and sliced a look to Jensen as Jensen was licking up the rest of Jared’s cum from his chest and belly.

 

“Jen?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“You look so good doin that…”

 

Jensen smiled slowly and lifted his head, lips glazed like candy before he licked them clean.

“Lick you clean anytime, Jared… I have catching up to do…”

 

Jared grabbed the back of Jensen’s head and drug their mouths together.

 

“I’ll let you work it off...then find more for you to do..."

 

The kiss was both claiming and enslaved, the two young men so wrapped up in one another that the rest of the world seemed so far away. There was nothing between them now but love, hope and potential, all any lovers ever really asked for.


End file.
